


Our Mind Dance

by Maki_Jss



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:33:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 49,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27205276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maki_Jss/pseuds/Maki_Jss
Summary: Seungyoun and Wooseok went to the same art school in the United States. As international students, there were countless loneliness, self-doubt, anxiety, and lust. Then slowly, Seungyoun realized that he had been in a big plan of someone's self-reconciliation, if not resurrection.***Trigger warnings include love triangles, cheating, and R18 sometimes. ***
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin, Kim Wooseok | Wooshin/Lee Hangyul
Comments: 69
Kudos: 68





	1. Prologue

Seungyoun and Wooseok went to the same art school in the United States, but when Wooseok entered the undergraduate fine arts program, Seungyoun was already a first-year graduate student in photojournalism. 

Generally, Seungyoun would not know undergrad students, the reason that he got to know Wooseok was all because of his classmate and best friend—Lee Hangyul.  
One early morning, Hangyul came to his apartment and kicked him out of the bed: “Youn!!! My car was towed last night outside the party! But I promised this new student I’d pick him up at the airport today. You must help me this time!!! Oh, and he’ll pay you!” Hangyul’s attitude was actually not like he was asking for a favor.  
“I thought you work at the Korean student union to help new students. I didn’t know that you actually charge a new student fee for picking him up? How much did you charge?” Seungyoun asked out of curiosity.  
“Not much, just 100 dollars.”  
“What?” Seungyoun almost chocked, “Gyul, you know you are ridiculous.”  
“Ok anyway, you are helping me, right? Come on, get up and let’s go.” Hangyul pushed Seungyoun straight to the bathroom and shut the door for him.  
Seungyoun was definitely not a morning person, but he was nice enough to help his best friend.  
“When is he arriving?” Seungyoun asked while brushing his teeth.  
“8:30.”  
“Damn? It’s already 8:40!” Seungyoun shook his head like he always did to Hangyul.

Seungyoun is a good driver. He only complained to Hangyul that he had to get up this early on a Sunday morning.  
“Can you contact the new student now?” Seungyoun asked Hangyul while driving, but realized that his “best friend” was already fallen asleep.  
Seungyoun sighed, thinking that the new student must be very worried right now: First time coming to a new country and couldn’t find the Korean senbae who promised to pick him up; what’s worse, this senbae would ask for $100 just to drive him to school.

When they arrived at the airport, it was already an hour later. Seungyoun pinched Hangyul’s arm to wake him up, and of course, the latter reacted dramatically:  
“Ouch! Are you trying to murder me?” Hangyul yelled.  
“Wake up and go find that boy! We are an hour and half late, ok? He might have been kidnapped by someone already.” Seungyoun yelled at Gyul.  
“No problem. Yesterday I already told him to wait for me at the luggage place. And I said I may be late because the traffic may be bad. Anyway, he’ll live with me, so don’t worry, he’ll wait.”  
“What?” Seungyoun didn’t know this part of the plan yet.  
“Yea, didn’t I tell you that we are technically boyfriends? We met on the dating app a while ago. So yea, after picking him up, he’s going to my place directly.”  
“What?” Seungyoun still couldn’t believe how random Hangyul was, and why he seemed like the last person to know about the “boyfriend” thing. Not that Seungyoun really cared that much, but why was Hangyul always this random? However, his thought was interrupted by Hangyul again:  
“Ok, I’ll go find him. Be right back.”  
“Faster please. You know the security guy here is annoying.” Seungyoun shouted toward him.

It was back-to-school season, so even though the city (let’s call it the D City) was not big, the airport was still busy and occupied by tons of students who were coming back or starting their new education. Unsurprisingly, there were many Asian faces. These people would usually push a cart with three or more huge suitcases on it, as if they were moving their entire house to the US. It was understandable though. Seungyoun was once like that, too.

Seungyoun slumped over his steering wheel to wait for Hangyul and his “new boyfriend” whom he just met on the dating app. And after five minutes, a familiar announcement from a loudspeaker sounded by his ear: “Please move your car after picking up your guest, or you’ll get a ticket.” Seungyoun had been here so many times picking up different people on the request of Hangyul, and he already knew that the security guy would appear in ten seconds, asking him to move his car. So he sat up, reluctantly,  
However, this time was different. As he looked up through the windshield, he was stunned.  
There, not too far away on the sidewalk, stood a boy, a way too pretty boy.

The boy was super pale, wearing a loose, white blouse and wide pants, which made him even more ethereal. Next to him was a huge rimowa suitcase and a big canvas, covered in white cloth. 

Too fragile. Too surreal. And too beautiful. Almost like he’s out of this world! Seungyoun thought. Must make a really good model for my portrait project.  
Moreover, at this very moment, a beam of sunlight suddenly broke the cloudy sky and lit up the boy… Ah, was he an angel?

Seungyoun rubbed his eyes in disbelief. Maybe he woke up too early and saw something he was not supposed to see? And then, when he opened his eyes again, there was only the security guy, approaching him with that annoying and angry face, pointing at this face asking him to move.

Seungyoun let out a sigh and started the engine. He drove around the airport for another two rounds and finally, Hangyul called him.  
“I found him! Where are you?”  
“On my way back.”

Seungyoun drove the car back to the arriving gate. However, even before seeing Hangyul, he suddenly saw that gleaming “angel” again. Wait, and Hangyul was standing next to him??? Ah, so that was the “new boyfriend!”

In addition to shock, Seungyoun’s next thought was a belated sense of anger: That stingy Hangyul! How can he charge $100 for picking up his boyfriend???

To be honest, although Seungyoun and Hangyul claim each other as “best friend,” there are many things that Seungyoun doesn’t appreciate about Gyul. For example, he’s quite selfish, obnoxious, and feeling too good about himself. Wait, how did they even become “best friend” then?

Actually, when Seungyoun first came to this art school, Hangyul was the only Korean in the same class, so they naturally became close. You know, when studying abroad, one normally doesn’t expect to make a “true friend,” so maybe since they had to do many things together, they decided to call each other “bestie.” But seriously, they are very different. Seungyoun enjoys being alone and taking photos, while Hangyul is a famous party animal. 

So when Seungyoun realized that the “angel” he saw at the airport was Hangyul’s new boyfriend, for a moment he thought, “What a waste.” Even though he immediately apologized internally because maybe he shouldn’t be thinking that way for his friend.

Seungyoun really couldn’t find another word to describe the beauty of this person except “angel.” He scanned the angel from head to toe while he and Hangyul were walking toward his car. The angel had very soft and fluffy black hair, his steps were a little skippy which was cute. He was not bony because Seungyoun could see through some muscles inside that eerie blouse.  
And when the angel got even closer, Seungyoun finally realized why he couldn’t take his eyes from him. It was his eyes! The angel’s pupils were so dark and pure, like a well that would drag you inside, immediately falling deeper. 

Hangyul helped him to put his luggage, including that big canvas, inside the back of Seungyoun’s car. And when the angel sat on the backseat, Seungyoun couldn’t hold it anymore so that he looked at rear mirror and said to him, “you are so beautiful.”

Their eyes met in the mirror like an electric shock. 

Seungyoun didn’t find himself creepy when he let out the compliment, but after a few seconds of silence, he finally realized how awkward it was. Since he’s a photographer, praising someone’s beauty seemed quite normal, but to say this to someone who he just met for literally a second, it would probably be scary for the other person. 

While Seungyoun was still thinking about how to explain his “creepiness,” the angel suddenly smiled. Maybe it was just a very slight lift of his lips but Seungyoun caught it in the mirror. And damn it, he was indeed pretty, gorgeous, incredible. 

“Err… sorry for creeping you out. I’m a photographer and I take many portraits so… it just naturally slipped out of my mouth.” Seungyoun finally apologized honestly.  
And it was Hangyul who saved this situation. He busted out laughing and said to his little boyfriend, “Don’t be scared, Wooseok. He’s a weirdo. He keeps hitting on guys yet he says he’s straight.”

“What’s his name again?” Seungyoun didn’t want to comment on Hangyul’s “introduction” of himself, he just wanted to know this angel’s full name. 

“Oh, he’s Wooseok. Kim Wooseok.” Hangyul suppressed his laughter and turned back to Seungyoun.

Meanwhile, the angel named Kim Wooseok looked into the rear mirror, meeting Seungyoun’s gaze again. 

“And I’m Cho Seungyoun from photojournalism. Nice to meet you.” This time, Seungyoun became more natural and comfortable to introduce himself again. 

“Cho Seungyoun…” the angel seemed to have chewed on this name for a while until Hangyul chimed in again, “Beautiful name, right? I really like his name.”

“You can change your name if you don’t like it. Change it to ‘CrazyGyul’ or something.” Seungyoun sighed and buckled up his seatbelt, and then they hit on the road again. 

While driving back to school, Seungyoun would sometimes take a glimpse through the mirror of Wooseok in the back. Wooseok was very quiet—too quiet that one wouldn’t even notice there was another person sitting there. But at the same time, Seungyoun also found more “human side” of him. He might be really tired after that 12 hours of flight and was in a very nervous and intense mode just now. And now, obviously, he finally became more relaxed after meeting two other Koreans in this foreign country. He would look outside of the window and seem quite amazed by the unfamiliar views, too. 

“Do you want to take a nap, Wooseok?” Seungyoun finally talked to him, “Look at Hangyul, he would always fall asleep the moment I start my car.”  
Wooseok smiled shyly as a response, and then slowly closed his eyes. 

Darn it. So pretty. So angelic. I have to take portraits of him one day. And Seungyoun said to himself. 

An hour later, they arrived at Hangyul’s apartment. Since the two passengers were both deeply sleeping. Seungyoun got off the driver’s seat and helped to unload Wooseok’s luggage from the back. The suitcase was big, but actually not so heavy. The canvas, on the other hand, was quite large and hard to pull out. And when Seungyoun finally placed it on the ground, he took a sneak peek of it and found that the artwork was filled with very light, crossed, grey lines. It looked like an industrial drawing with all the technical lines that seemed to have exactly the same space in between. They were emotionless, cold, and intense, just like needles piercing through one’s heart without mercy. 

Emm, this angel is a very cool painter. Seungyoun thought. 

When Seungyoun was about to shut the trunk, a pair of big eyes almost gave him a heart attack. It was Wooseok, who kneeled on the backseat looking at him cautiously and nervously like a curious cat. But Seungyoun quickly gave him a smile back and patted his own heart teasingly. And just like that, Wooseok blushed a bit. 

How cute.

Wooseok finally opened his mouth, “I’m sorry… Seungyoun hyung. Thank you for all your help…” And then, he suddenly remembered something and started to look for his wallet, “Ah, and here’s the pay…”

“Stop!” Seungyoun knew exactly what he was gonna do, “Stop! Don’t pay me anything. Maybe I’ll need your help one day in the future. And that will be the payoff, ok?” He then shut down the rear cover of the trunk heavily, as if trying to cover his unexpected, loud heartbeats.


	2. Chapter 2

Before Seungyoun and Wooseok met, they both believed that “interesting souls will eventually converge.” But of course, there has to be one who takes the initiative.

Seungyoun still thinks he’s the one who initiated because he would always praise Wooseok’s beauty even before they started dating. But for Wooseok, he thinks he was the one.

Wooseok indeed lived with Hangyul when he first arrived at the school. At that time, Seungyoun never asked Hangyul about the details because it would make Hangyul even more obnoxious and snobbish. Seungyoun didn’t like to see him like that, it was kind of annoying. Sometimes Seungyoun thought Hangyul was too predictable because his personality was so out there and straight-forward, which was not “fun.”

But strangely, even though Hangyul was a snob and always wanted to show off things, he didn’t talk to Seungyoun about Wooseok, either. Also, he even showed up to class more than before, which was totally unusual.

Something must be wrong—Seungyoun thought—even though he still didn’t want to ask Hangyul about his relationship.

“Hey—”

Finally, Hangyul couldn’t hold it anymore. One day, he caught Seungyoun after the latter’s photography class and whined, “Seungyounnnnnnn….”

“What?” Seungyoun impatiently pushed Hangyul’s heavy head away from his shoulder.

“I, I can’t get Wooseok’s heart. I need your help.” Hangyul cried.

“What do you mean? I thought you are boyfriends already?” Seungyoun was surprised.

“Well… actually, I lied. I was just trying to pursue him. That’s it.”

For some reason, Seungyoun again recalled the day when they picked Wooseok up from the airport and wondered why Hangyul would even ask for Wooseok to pay if he really wanted to “pursue” him. But anyway, good thing that in the end, Seungyoun was the one who didn’t accept the payment.

“If he doesn’t like you, then there’s no way you can force him.” Seungyoun patted Hangyul on the back, “And you see, there are many other people on that app, right?”

“No, you don’t understand!!!” Hangyul still whined on Seungyoun’s shoulder, “I just want him. He’s the best! I want Wooseok! He’s so pretty, so patient, so soft, he’s good at taking care of me… he’s perfect…”

Seungyoun was again surprised to learn all these about Wooseok from Hangyul. To him, Wooseok was an “angel”, and maybe, an angel would not bother to do anything except drinking dews, haha. But it seems like he was actually very gentle and soft and could take care of others? That’s interesting. So, Seungyoun decided to ask more. 

“He takes care of you?” He asked purposefully.

“Yea, he’s very careful. Every morning I get up, breakfast is already on the table. He also pays all the utility bills on time. He speaks softly because he doesn’t want to cause noise and interrupt me…” Hangyul quickly began to count all these details about Wooseok.

However, Seungyoun felt funny: in addition to preparing breakfast for him, aren’t the other things normal for a co-tenant to do? But anyway, he needs to say something to continue the conversation.

“Emm… so why didn’t he accept you as his boyfriend?” Seungyoun asked as if he cared.

“How would I know? Am I not good enough? I told him that we could try dating and see if he likes it but he said he didn’t want a boyfriend right now. But the thing is he still labeled himself ‘single’ on that dating app. And before he came to the US, he contacted me to ask about stuff a lot…”

 _Maybe he just wanted to take advantage of you because you are a Korean student here.—_ Seungyoun though internally but of course he wouldn’t tell such cruel “truth” to his fragile best friend. Instead, he said, “Ok, I’ll ask him what he thinks.”

This was what Hangyul was waiting for. So he immediately stopped his fake crying and pointed at Seungyoun, “Great! But don’t steal him, ok? I will stop being your friend if you do that.”

“Don’t worry, I’m straight.” Seungyoun smiled.

”Ok ok, I know. You are straight, straight like a pole.” Hangyul rolled his eyes.

“You are crazy.”

Actually, Seungyoun had a girlfriend before, but they broke up three years ago. Then, he just lost interest in dating. The Korean girls on campus seemed to be too materialistic which made him sick. Meanwhile, some people thought he was gay because he hung out with Hangyul a lot. Seungyoun didn’t find this offensive though, maybe because he was too clear that he would never ever date Hangyul, and he knew it was not that easy for him to be gay either… He had no prejudice against the gays, of course, it’s just that he thought he was straight—a straight man who finally realized that he just wanted to be alone and enjoy single life.

Seungyoun was not surprised that Wooseok had no interest in Hangyul. After all, how would an angel date Hangyul? Someone as pretty and angelic as Wooseok would probably date someone more interesting, deeper, more intellectual. And perhaps, Wooseok could be a pansexual or asexual. It’s really hard to define one’s sexuality these days.

But it was indeed a surprise that Seungyoun met Wooseok the next day on campus, and it was Wooseok who saw him first and greeted him with an excited smile, “Hyung!”

In fact, Seungyoun didn’t realize he was being called because he tried to stay low-key in school and thought no Korean student would greet him like that. So when he heard “hyung,” he didn’t even look back and thought it must be someone calling another Korean. However, he then heard swift steps and the next thing he knew, Wooseok already knocked his back and then appeared in front of him.

Something was strange about this Wooseok. Seungyoun thought. He looked almost like a different person from the day they met at the airport. He looked… very lively, cute, upbeat, and cheerful. Recall that day, he was more like… cold, unapproachable, shy, but of course, still a beauty.

“Ah, you had class?” Seungyoun quickly pulled himself together and showed Wooseok a senbae’s attitude.

“Yes,” Wooseok answered cheerfully and even tilted his head. He was smiling like sunshine and looked straight into Seungyoun’s eyes.

“Have you gotten used to here yet?”

“I think so. The Americans at the painting department do not have the same level of basic skills as I have, haha. So the classes are actually quite easy for me.”

“That’s good. Yea I think Korean art schools are more focused on the foundational skills.”

“Yes.”

Oops, the conversation seemed to reach a quick end.

“Err… I have a class in five minutes… so I’ll go. See you around.” Seungyoun awkwardly came up with this and turned around and walked toward his department building.

As he walked for about ten meters, Wooseok’s voice suddenly sounded in his back:

“Ah, wait, hyung! I’ll wait for you to finish the class. I’ll be in the lobby!”

Seungyoun turned around in surprise if not shock. But then he saw that lovely smile and waving hand, just like the sunshine in a golden autumn day.  
  
Seungyoun’s class was located in a quite futuristic-looking building by the busiest street of the city. When he entered the classroom on the third floor, there were already eight people there. He went straight to the back row, sat down, and then the teacher came in. She was a short, Chinese American woman.

But nothing mattered because Seungyoun was still mesmerized in his brief encounter with Wooseok a while ago. It was weird, so weird. Why did he say he would be waiting for him to get off class? It’s been two weeks since the airport pickup, they never talked to each other afterward, so why? Seungyoun could only fathom that this was Hangyul’s idea, or maybe Wooseok didn’t know other Koreans yet and didn’t want to talk to Hangyul, so he wanted to see Seungyoun after class? But soon, Seungyoun told himself to not make a big deal about it. Maybe Wooseok was just kidding. He wouldn’t be here after this two-hour class.  
  


The teacher’s English had a very heavy accent so Seungyoun couldn’t concentrate really. He looked outside of the window and found that the sky suddenly became gloomy and maybe it would rain later. He didn’t know what the teacher was talking about until suddenly, he realized that everyone was standing up and started moving out… Oh, the class is over.

Seungyoun yawned and made a big stretch. He is never that kind of student who runs away from the classroom like a flash. Instead, he likes to enjoy the emptiness in the room until he feels “ready” to leave. However, this time he couldn’t, because he was eager to check out if Wooseok was really in the lobby waiting for him. Seungyoun looked down from the third floor, and indeed, there Wooseok was, sitting on a yellow sofa and typing something on his laptop. There were people who passed him by but he didn’t pay attention to them at all. It didn’t feel like he was really waiting for someone; instead, he was just doing his own things in the bright lobby of this building.

Seungyoun got downstairs and approached Wooseok from the back. However, he stopped about five meters away and cleared his throat for no obvious reason. Maybe he was a little nervous, but he didn’t know exactly why. And then he walked to him again, closer, but Wooseok still didn’t seem like he noticed anything. Finally, Seungyoun was almost one meter from Wooseok, but when he was about to tap him on the shoulder, he was shocked to find out that Wooseok was looking at a webpage—his Cyworld page.

Maybe “shocked” was not enough to describe Seungyoun’s feelings. Basically, he had no idea why Wooseok was on his Cyworld page, which he hadn’t updated for at least three years. He used to be managing this personal site very carefully, posting his photo works, writing blog posts, reviews, and so on. But since he was more than astonished, he ended up feeling nothing and just said to Wooseok, “Hi.”

Perhaps he was too immersed in watching Seungyoun’s Cyworld page, he slowly responded to this “hi,” but then, he was also startled to find out it was the owner of the webpage that was calling him. He quickly flipped his laptop and his face was visibly blushing.

This could potentially be turning into an awkward situation but someone like Seungyoun would not let that happen. So he just smiled as if he didn’t see anything and said, “Sorry for waiting so long. I didn’t have time to tell you that this class is two and half an hour long.”

“Ah, it’s ok. I can use the wifi here to do my own things,” Wooseok hurriedly answered and this time he clearly avoided Seungyoun’s gaze.

“Emm, so? What’s next? I can treat you to dinner. It’s about dinner time.” Seungyoun said.

Wooseok quickly put his laptop back into his bag and said, “No, hyung, let’s me treat you.”

Seungyoun was still quite confused. He wondered if Wooseok waited for him today just because he wanted to treat him to dinner. So he said, “It’s ok. I’m your senbae, I should treat the newcomer.”

But Wooseok then stood up and this time, looked into Seungyoun’s eyes with a mysterious and witty smile, “No, hyung, I have so many reasons to treat you.”

Seungyoun looked back at Wooseok puzzled, but then Wooseok blinked his big doe eyes and just like that, Seungyoun felt like being drawn to a black hole. Wooseok seemed so mysterious and beautiful, his eyes seemed to be speaking more than his mouth. And everything about him just enchanted Seungyoun. He wanted to know him more, for god-knows-what reason.

However, Seungyoun was so out of his mind and busted out, “Shall we call Hangyul together?” He regretted the moment after saying this. “Thankfully,” Wooseok shook his head and said, “No need to have him. And I think he has a class tonight.” And then, Wooseok started walking towards the entrance of the building. Seungyoun had no other thoughts except following him. The door was heavy, so Seungyoun helped to push it behind Wooseok, which, was actually like a back hug. It was also that moment that Seungyoun smelled the mild lavender fragrance from Wooseok’s nape. It was really soothing and suited him well.

They walked side by side on the street. Seungyoun on the left, Wooseok on the right. But Seungyoun was worried that his big camera bag would keep hitting Wooseok’s seemingly fragile body, so he shifted to the other side of the shoulder to carry the bag.

“Hyung, do you like Japanese food?” The two kept silent for quite a while until Wooseok finally asked.

“Yea, I like it,” Seungyoun answered. And actually, he was thinking that he would definitely go to pay this time. He didn’t want the hoobae to pay since he just came to the new school.

It’s rush hour time, many people were getting off work and rushing on this busiest street of this city. Sometimes, Seungyoun and Wooseok would be separated by the upcoming crowds. Seungyoun found that Wooseok actually walked very fast and he had to follow him really hard to not get lost of him. But he knew where Wooseok was going because there was this very famous Japanese restaurant on this street, run by a Japanese man.

Seungyoun kept going until he stumbled upon something. It was Wooseok’s body actually. Wooseok looked up at him with a lovely smile, “red light, be careful, hyung.”

Ah, Seungyoun was too occupied by the nothingness that he didn’t even notice the traffic light. Now he glared at Wooseok next to him and got a perfect view of Wooseok’s angelic profile. Yes, he does look soft and gentle, bathed in the sunset like he’s out of this world. He had never seen any other man prettier than Wooseok, never. He’s an artwork himself, that’s for sure.

Seungyoun felt a little embarrassed. He wondered if Wooseok would think that he’s a silly senbae. But then he asked himself why he would feel this way. Why did he feel a sudden drop in self-esteem when being next to him? Or maybe, that’s normal?

Truth to be told, Seungyoun really shouldn’t be feeling that way. From a third-person point of view, he’s tall, quite good-looking, having a quite robust body, and is good at whatever he’s doing. He was the teachers’ favorite since he was in kindergarten. In elementary school, he was always the one representing his class in big events, and he had won many awards in many competitions, from taekwondo to swimming, from singing to drawing. He was very popular among girls, but of course, he was too young to understand what that meant.

But in fifth grade, Seungyoun entered his voice change period earlier than most of the other boys in the class, and a lot of physical changes during that time also stressed him out. He had low self-esteem, always sitting in the back of the classroom with a poker face. Some kids go through this during their adolescence but Seungyoun’s parents were too busy with work and didn’t pay attention to their son. Gradually, Seungyoun became paranoid. He thought he could sense people’s fear towards him, he thought everyone was judging him, talking behind his back, and making fun of him for being a weirdo. The more he “sensed” it, the more he disliked himself. It was at that time he found an old film camera at home and started taking photos. Hiding behind the viewfinder made him feel safe and protected. And he realized that he actually liked all kinds of beautiful things--be them nature, people, or animals--as long as he observed them from a camera, he felt more confident. Besides, he would also write his feelings down on a blog. He locked it though, since he was scared that people would find out how low he was, how depressed he was, and how he hated himself.

Looking back, adolescence was definitely an embarrassing period of his life when he was too self-conscious and weak simply due to growing up. But he indeed hated the world around him and hated the “useless” self. Moreover, his paranoia didn’t get better even when he left adolescence. Instead, he became especially scared that people might find out what he was thinking. Although he acted quite “normal” in daily lives, he still would avoid large events or gatherings with other Korean students. Perhaps he desperately wants to be understood; but at the same time, he was also afraid to be seen through.

When Seungyoun was a sophomore in high school, his parents decided to send him to the US later that year. Thus, he dropped out of high school and stayed at home to focus on studying English. That was a rather relaxed time of his life as he had a lot of free time to go outside and explore the beauty of the city through his camera viewfinder. It was such a relief to leave high school because, although his classmates all seemed nice to him, he still felt tired and couldn’t get over the paranoia inside. Hence, for the two years in high school, he would always put on a “fake mask” to hang out with the other guys; but when he went back to his empty home, all he felt was meaningless. 

Maybe this could explain why Seungyoun didn’t really like Hangyul but still decided to see him as “best friend”: He was just naturally good at being “fake.” However, this didn’t mean he was a bad friend, he was just too adept at suppressing his real feelings toward another person. In the end, he could even deceive himself. And another reason that he couldn't just cancel Hangyul from his life was that, he actually needed Hangyul sometimes. It would be impossible to survive without having even one friend in a foreign country, after all.

Seungyoun find himself despicable. He kept dissing Hangyul internally but still relied on him in case of emergency. He knew, he was actually the real mean and obnoxious one.

However, all these self-deprecating thoughts started to shake since the day Wooseok entered his life. The beautiful angel brought him some light and magic that he had never seen, and he even thought, maybe his redemption would soon to come?


	3. Chapter 3

“Are you and Hangyul getting along well?” Seungyoun asked.  
“He’s too loud,” Wooseok took a sip of tea, and then smiled.  
Seungyoun wasn’t sure what this smile was about. He said, “Well, he’s like that… kinda loud. But he’s a nice person.” He then paused. He said this because Hangyul asked him to say something nice about him in front of Wooseok, and now he realized that he didn’t have other things to say besides “he’s nice.”   
Another few seconds of awkward silence and Seungyoun finally added, “And he always mentions you. He said you are very caring. And that, he really likes you.”  
“So do you like him?” Wooseok suddenly asked a very unexpected question to Seungyoun.  
“Huh?” Seungyoun was startled, “What do you mean?”  
Wooseok quickly answered, “Ah, but you are just good friends, right?”

Seungyoun carefully chewed Wooseok’s words and realized that he might have mistaken his relationship with Hangyul? He wanted to explain but it would be weird to just say “I’m straight,” so he wandered around and said, “I don’t like making friends that much. We became friends since the first year here because we were the only Koreans.”  
“Oh I see. No wonder I see you always with him.”  
“Just classmates. I cannot bear with him on many occasions though.” Seungyoun laughed, trying to make the atmosphere more relaxing. Also, he actually always complained about Hangyul in public and Hangyul knew it too. It wouldn’t harm their friendship.   
“Haha, then I’d better not gossiping about him in front of you since you may tell him.” Wooseok stopped their conversation about Hangyul. It felt as if both of them were testing the water, about what they could talk about this common friend behind his back. 

And then they started to talk about some more casual stuff. For example, their favorite shops in Korea; which middle school and high school they went to; and what kind of art style they liked… The conversation was sincere and fun but with a very polite distance. They were emersed in the dim, atmospheric light in the corner of this Japanese restaurant, their voices were very low and quiet. Under such an environment, Seungyoun felt more and more comfortable, and he thought Wooseok felt more and more approachable and ordinary. Meanwhile, Wooseok would always look straight into Seungyoun’s eyes when talking. Seungyoun didn’t know if that was his habit or what. 

“You are really pretty, can I take photos of you sometime in the future?” At one point Seungyoun finally said, “I took a portraiture class this semester, maybe I’ll need your assistance later.”  
Wooseok’s eyes flashed, like the swaying candlelight in the wind; yet soon they quieted down as the wind passed by.   
“You mean me alone?” Wooseok asked.   
“Yea?” Seungyoun answered without thinking.  
“Ok, anytime.” Wooseok pulled out his smartphone and showed Seungyoun the QR code of his chatting account. They quickly added each other as friends. 

“You must have been modeling for others before, right? I think many people would like to photograph you,” Seungyoun continued the topic while putting his phone back in his bag.  
“No, usually I wouldn’t do modeling.” However, Wooseok answered coldly, which surprised Seungyoun.  
“What? Then… if you don’t like to be photographed, you don’t have to… I mean, I don’t want you to feel like being forced by me or something…”   
“It’s ok. I do. I do want to be your model.” Wooseok saw flustered Seungyoun and smiled, “And you said the other day that we may need to help each other in the future.”  
“Ah, now I feel very honored. I promise to take very good photos of you.” Seungyoun signed with relief. 

Wooseok rested his chin on his one hand. He seemed to be lost in thoughts for a few seconds, and then slowly confessed, “Actually… I’ve been photographed before…” He then looked up, straight into Seungyoun’s eyes, and continued, “by my ex-boyfriend.”

Seungyoun didn’t expect him to suddenly mention an ex, especially it was even a “he,” so his first reaction was a little uneasy. In fact, since they met, Wooseok had never really talked about his sexuality. But for some reason, the word “ex-boyfriend” coming from Wooseok’s mouth gave Seungyoun an indescribable feeling, and he didn’t know how to continue the conversation all of a sudden.  
“Haha, but yea, he was my ex.” Wooseok laughed to save the awkwardness, “I can’t find him anymore.”  
Can’t find him? What does this mean? Seungyoun wondered for a while but decided to skip this topic for now. 

Wooseok seemed to have lots of secrets. He always thought for a while before speaking. That was why Seungyoun kept feeling some coldness and distance from him. But on the other hand, he also had a weird impulse to protect him, or at least caring for him. He’s too pretty and fragile, in Seungyoun’s view.   
Wooseok was like a tree in a safari. The only one tree standing there. So visible, special, but also a little out of place. 

“He didn’t need me anymore so he left. That’s why I come to find him.” Just when Seungyoun was lost in thoughts, Wooseok started speaking again. And apparently, he wasn’t planning to end the topic about his ex.  
“Er… so, he’s here? In the US?” Seungyoun’s eyes widened.  
“Something like that,” Wooseok answered ambiguously.  
“Where exactly? Which city? Do you know?”  
“Yes, and no.” Wooseok said, “Anyway, that’s all about him for tonight. Actually, now I think it’s better to not look for him.”

Seungyoun was so confused and he tried to search for all the possibilities in his head. Wooseok was being vague but also threw out some clues. It would be likely that his ex was also a student in this art school; otherwise, why would he came here in the first place? And based on what Wooseok just said, his ex would probably be a photography major student. Seungyoun was pretty sure he knew all the Koreans in that department, although he hadn’t talked to every one of them. So was his ex among those guys? Emmm, who would it be? Seungyoun was thinking hardly like a detective, but when he looked at Wooseok again, he found him locking his eyes on the table lamp, which was the shape of a candle. He slightly looked down, his eyelashes were visibly fluttering like a butterfly’s wings. His profile, bathed in the dim light, was so perfect, so peaceful, yet so moody.   
Seungyoun couldn’t help but pulled out his phone again and took a picture of Wooseok right there.   
“See, you are so pretty.” He then gave his phone to Wooseok.

It wasn’t like flirting. It just sounded like he was making a statement after some scientific observation. 

Wooseok took his phone. He then contemplated for a while as if the person on the screen was not himself. He then slightly sighed and said, “Maybe Hangyul was right. Do you always flirt like this and then don’t take responsibility?”  
“Huh?” Seungyoun was taken aback, but then he quickly said, “I wouldn’t flirt with a guy like this.”  
Now it was Wooseok who seemed unprepared by the answer. And he hoped no one found out a flash of disappointment in his eyes. 

When they came back from the restaurant, it was already dark outside. Seungyoun looked at and there were no stars, only some purple clouds reflecting the neon on the streets. They walked side by side, no one talked. But this silence felt natural, normal, and comfortable. Wooseok walked slower than just now, and he would sometimes check himself out in the shops’ windows. To be honest, Wooseok wanted Seungyoun to ask about him more, to be more interested in him, or maybe, be more curious about his “ex.” Or at least, ask more about his relationship with Hangyul. However, Seungyoun didn’t ask anything deeper, as if he didn’t care about his personal stuff at all. 

But truth was, Seungyoun wasn’t sure what to say and ask. He wasn’t gay, so when the conversation went to “ex-boyfriend,” he immediately lost it. Also, he didn’t want to ask more because he didn’t want to be seen as a gossiper. He always believed that if someone wanted to say, he/she would say; otherwise, don’t be too curious. 

“I’ll walk you home,” Seungyoun said when they reached a sideroad. The autumn night was chilly, and a ribbon on Wooseok’s white blouse suddenly touched Seungyoun’s face due to a puff of wind. Seungyoun naturally turned to look at Wooseok, and found that Wooseok’s eyes were a little red. And the next thing he knew, his finger was already touching this beautiful person’s chin.   
“?” Wooseok was surprised, “What’s wrong, hyung?”  
Seungyoun blushed fervently and withdrew his hand as if he had an electric shock. He looked away but could hear his crazy heartbeat clearly, so loud, so random. He didn’t know why he did that. It was uncalled for, but maybe, he really lost his mind just by looking at Wooseok.   
“Ah, nothing, just, for fun.” Seungyoun unnaturally intertwined his fingers. He dared not to look at Wooseok right now because he must be like a flustered idiot. However, he could feel that Wooseok was looking, gazing, reading himself. 

Seungyoun wanted to disappear so badly. 

  
_I don’t deserve it._

  
***

  
When Seungyoun arrived at his apartment, he immediately threw himself into the big sofa. It was tiring, no, exhausting, to spend the last few hours with Wooseok. But after being “dead” for a few minutes, he abruptly jumped up and got his phone out. And then, he opened the chatting app and tapped on Wooseok’s name. 

Wooseok’s profile picture was probably cut from a painting of his because there were just emotionless lines like the ones he saw when he picked Wooseok up at the airport. His painting style matched his personal style so well, Seungyoun thought.   
He then opened Wooseok’s personal page, but there wasn’t much content. The latest post was from three months ago, just an oil painting without a caption, and then two more months back, there was a photo of a cherry blossom tree.   
Emm, quite boring.

Meanwhile, Seungyoun received a notification from Hangyul.   
“You there?”

Seungyoun hated whoever starts a conversation like this. So he just stood up and walked into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. However, when he came back to his phone, there was a super long voice message left by Hangyul.   
Ah, so annoying. There are people who hate to receive a voice message, Seungyoun is one of them. But in the end, he still tapped on it just to make sure it was not an emergency. However, it was just Hangyul ranting about an article that he saw online just now, something about the LGBTQ population and surrogacy. Seungyoun frowned. He felt really tired, and Hangyul always added more irrelevant stress to him whenever he wanted to rest.   
But if he didn’t reply, Hangyul would probably never stop ranting, so he eventually grabbed the phone and typed, “yes, yes, you are right.”

But then, for some reason, he suddenly felt the necessity to report about his dinner with Wooseok tonight.  
“Emmm, so I had dinner with your roommate just now.”   
“Ohhhhhhhhh!!!!” Hangyul replied within literally one second. And in two seconds, another message, “WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT ME?”  
Oops, Seungyoun realized that they actually didn’t talk much about Hangyul except in the beginning.   
“Er, I just said many good things about you,” Seungyoun replied.  
“Good job bro. Then what did he say???”  
“Just… nothing much. We then talked about other things actually, art and stuff.”  
“Whatever, I know you’ve tried your best. You are not good at socializing and I made you do it. So thanks bro. Also, he looked quite happy when he came back just now. He even peeled an apple for me hahaha, I guess your ‘lobbying’ worked.”

Seungyoun sighed with a sense of relief, and also, gratefulness. He had to admit that Hangyul really understood his personality well. Gyul was indeed a warm-hearted person and would never make him feel uncomfortable. It was just him being mean to Gyul then?   
But on the other hand, knowing that Wooseok “looked quite happy” after going home had made Seungyoun happy, too. Maybe that meant Wooseok enjoyed the dinner and conversation tonight? It wasn’t that boring after all?

  
On the same night, Seungyoun dreamed about Wooseok.  
In the dream, they were walking in a huge field full of tall grass. There seemed to be something hiding behind the grass though, so they decided to walk out as soon as possible. Suddenly, a weird siren sounded, and a lot of huge scorpions appeared from nowhere and started chasing them. They began to run, meanwhile holding hands. They ran faster and faster, but finally one of them tripped, and they both fell.   
Seungyoun’s body was on Wooseok’s due to the fall. Wooseok slightly moaned and Seungyoun nervously rolled away. He didn’t want to hurt Wooseok. They didn’t have time to fathom this moment because the scorpions were still approaching them. They stared at the monsters in despair since they couldn’t move. However, just when they were about to be devoured, the monsters seemed as if they had heard a signal, and suddenly stopped attacking.  
Seungyoun was sweating like crazy and his heart was about to jump out of his throat. Then, he felt that his one hand was held by Wooseok. The latter’s sweaty fingers traced his own, and finally, their hands interlocked, dearly, desperately.   
“As long as we face it together, we’ll be fine,” a voice said. 

Seungyoun woke up from this strange dream and his T-shirt was soaked with sweat. He felt dizzy, tried to hold his fists to make sure he’s back to reality, and make sure that it was no longer held by “Wooseok.”

It took Seungyoun a few minutes to calm down. He then pulled his phone and to his surprise, there was really a message from Wooseok.   
“Hyung, are you awake?”

The message was sent at 3 am. Seungyoun rubbed his eyes and saw the time on his phone: 3:40 am.

So he typed to reply, “I was sleeping, but now I’m awake.”   
Right at this moment, Seungyoun suddenly felt a sense of… sweetness. He read from somewhere that if you dreamed of someone you like and woke up in the middle of the night, you would feel so in love because your dopamine was still very active. 

“Ah, sorry, did I wake you up?” Wooseok replied.  
“Nope, I woke up because of a dream.”  
“Hangyul was snoring so loudly, I couldn’t sleep.”  
Seungyoun busted out a peal of laughter. He actually never spent a night at Hangyul’s place so he didn’t know he would snore, but why was he not surprised about this?   
“Do you have earplugs?” Seungyoun asked.  
“I don’t like wearing them. It’s uncomfortable. So hyung, are you going to go back to sleep?”  
“Hmm… probably yes. I have things to do tomorrow morning.” Seungyoun answered.  
And this time, it took Wooseok longer to reply. Maybe after three minutes, a message finally came. It was a voice message.   
“Hyung, let’s meet tomorrow. Good night.” 

Wooseok’s voice was very tiny and low as if he was murmuring beside Seungyoun’s ear. Unprepared, Seungyoun’s heart skipped a beat, but then it began to rush again. For some reason, the strange dream with grass and scorpions suddenly came back to him. And also, that unfamiliar voice, “As long as we face it together, we’ll be fine…”

Seungyoun took some deep breaths and replayed Wooseok’s last voice message. This time, it felt more calming. And he found that he really liked the way Wooseok called him “hyung.” 

He’s too pretty. He’s like an angel. Seungyoun still couldn’t believe someone like this would appear in his life, even though he wasn’t going to do anything about it.   
And what about that “face it together” in his dream? Was his subconscious telling him that he actually needed someone? 

Ah, what the hell is this feeling???  
Seungyoun buried his face in the pillow and fell asleep again. 

Unsurprisingly, Seungyoun overslept the next morning. He actually had to meet his advisor at 9 am to discuss his graduation project. The advisor was a German professor who was very strict about time, so yea, Seungyoun thought he fucked up.   
He literally just brushed his teeth and then ran toward the school. 

And when he finally reached the graduate building, it was already 9:05. He took a deep breath to prepare his mind and soul for the upcoming scolding from his professor in a few minutes. But, a familiar voice greeted him first, “Hyung!”

Seungyoun was startled and turned around. And then, he saw Wooseok, and next to Wooseok, Hangyul.   
They were holding hands and smiling at him like the sweetest couple in the world. 

It suddenly hit him— why Wooseok couldn’t sleep last night, why he was complaining about “snoring"... 

_Ah, now I feel like a real idiot._

Seungyoun waved at them hurriedly without looking again, and then, he ran, no, he fled, into the building. 


	4. Chapter 4

Surprisingly, the German professor, Mr. R, wasn’t mad at Seungyoun when he came in late. In the first half of their meeting, Mr. R wanted Seungyoun to do a photo essay plus some interviews for the graduation project. “You are supposed to be a photojournalist, after all,” he said.

And for the second half of the meeting, professor R started to ask Seungyoun about his life and emotional state. The reason that he was curious about such things was that he once bumped into Seungyoun at the counseling service building of the school. Professor R was there because his wife was a counselor. When he saw Seungyoun, the latter was visibly embarrassed, so he didn’t ask much. But then as his advisor, professor R had been planning to have a more personal conversation with him since then.

But for Seungyoun, the reason he was at the counseling service that day was that he was bored and wanted to talk to someone. Since the counseling service was part of his student insurance, why not take advantage of it? He didn’t think he had any psychological issues or depression, but every now and then, he would do this. Interestingly enough, he didn’t like to talk about himself to his friends but would feel much more comfortable talking to a stranger, i.e. a counselor.

Seungyoun told professor R that he was okay, not depressed at all. Indeed, he just lived a normal life as a student: going to classes, working at the library, and then going home, eating, sleeping, that’s all. Ah, he started to cook for himself recently, even though it was not that good.

“Are you feeling happy?” professor R seemed doubtful about his answer though.

“I feel nothing, actually. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.” Seungyoun answered matter-of-factly.

“Carpe Diem?”

“Pretty much. I just want to focus on the present.”

“That’s good, that’s good,” said the professor, “but don’t escape, ok?”

But perhaps he was escaping, after all. Seungyoun thought to himself. He’s never a big fan of anticipating the future. It’s stressful for him.

“Ah, you know, my youngest son came out to me the other day, and said he wanted to get married to his boyfriend after graduating from college.” Professor R suddenly said.

“You mean Chris?” Seungyoun knew his professor’s youngest son because they met during last year’s Christmas party at the professor’s house. Chris was a very shy boy and easily blushed when talking to new people. So Seungyoun was a little surprised that he would come out to his strict German dad. But on the other hand, he was also surprised that his German professor would tell him about this.

“What was your reaction?” Seungyoun asked.

“I stayed silent for a long time. What could I say? I have many students who are homosexual, I have no issue with that. But when something like this happens to my family, I have to admit that I was quite shocked. Then I realized that his mom knew about it a long time ago, so I felt frustrated that my son didn’t feel comfortable to talk to me earlier…”

“So, do you approve of his decision and... sexuality?”

“I can’t really ‘prove’ it, right? One's sexuality is his nature, so if he says he is, then he is, even though I wasn't expecting it. And he will eventually leave us one day.” Professor R smiled bitterly and took a sip of his black tea shipped from India.

Seungyoun found it interesting. His professor/advisor would seldom talk about his family during meetings, so this case about his son had probably given him a big shock and even made him want to share with his student. Or maybe professor R thought Seungyoun looked like he didn’t have many friends so he wouldn’t spread the news? Anyway, Seungyoun sighed internally--it’s really nothing new to know someone’s gay these days.

And this made him recall Wooseok and Hangyul, who were holding hands and waving at him a while ago outside this very building. He still thought he looked stupid in front of them, but also felt a sense of relief that he didn’t say bad things about Hangyul when he had dinner with Wooseok. Maybe Wooseok was just testing him; he’s been on Hangyul’s side since the very beginning.

“Actually it was a relief for me,” Professor R's voice pulled Seungyoun’s thoughts back to the present, “now I’m relieved because he came out and looked much happier. I think he won’t hurt himself anymore.”

Seungyoun raised up his head at the surprising words.

“I’ve been teaching for 40 years, and I’ve had students who killed themselves. Chris had been very quiet in front of me, and thus I’ve been worried…”

Seungyoun knew what he meant, so he nodded, “As long as he can protect himself, being gay has nothing to worry about.”

“Haha, then how about you? Are you in a relationship now?”

“Me? I’m not interested in anyone,” Seungyoun answered without even thinking.

“I thought so,” Professor R smiled, “and that’s totally fine.”

After meeting with the professor, Seungyoun went to the photo editing studio to finish his homework. The moment he pushed open the glass door, he saw Hangyul's back sitting there. He then sat next to Hangyul without saying a word. 

“Hey, how was your meeting with Professor R?” Hangyul noticed his best friend coming in and asked enthusiastically.

“We just talked about the graduation project.”

“I admire you for choosing him as your advisor,” Hangyul shrugged, “I would never graduate under the supervision of such a strict prof.”

“I like him. He’s nice.” Seungyoun said plainly.

“Well, he likes you because you are one of the best students in our class.”

That was true though, Seungyoun was indeed a hardworking student and had high GPA. Meanwhile, Hangyul usually got C from prof R's classes and didn’t mind at all.

There were two other people in the studio so they stopped talking to keep the environment quiet. Hangyul would sometimes be “annoying” and peeking on Seungyoun’s screen, and Seungyoun would push his big head away from his shoulder. There was a constant "fight" going on between them, making them look like true "best friends" in the eyes of others. However, when Seungyoun accidentally saw Hangyul was texting Wooseok, he couldn’t help but think about how those two were holding hands in the morning. To be more specific, he was thinking more about Wooseok’s smile when he was standing next to Hangyul and holding his hand. Although he only met Wooseok twice, he had never seen him smiling like that. The smile felt so foreign and out of place, almost too carefree and sunny to be seen next to someone like Hangyul. It made Seungyoun feel weird.

Or maybe, Seungyoun didn’t believe that Wooseok would smile like that when with someone like Hangyul?

So they are really dating? Then why did Wooseok deceive him by saying that he wasn’t dating in Hangyul? Why did Hangyul tell him that Wooseok seemed uninterested in him? –Seungyoun had all kinds of questions but in the end, he shook his head and told himself that maybe that’s just how things were in their “gay circle.” And for his "inner overreaction" about this morning, he was just appreciating Wooseok’s beauty. That’s it.

But for a vain person like Hangyul, he had been waiting for a long time already. Why didn’t Seungyoun ask him about what he saw this morning? He clearly saw him and Wooseok holding hands, right? Why didn’t he be more curious and asking him about what happened already???

So he waited until Seungyoun finished his homework and finally said, “Come on, I’ll treat you lunch.”

“Huh? Why?” Seungyoun was surprised because Hangyul seldom gave such an offer to him.

“Because I want to,” Hangyul yelled.

And from Hangyul’s peacockish face, Seungyoun immediately realized that he was about to flexing. 

They went to a family restaurant and Seungyoun eventually asked something that Hangyul had been waiting to hear, “So, you and Wooseok are getting along well?”

“Haha, yea.” Hangyul tried so hard to hide his huge smile but two seconds later he broke out, “Haha, we watched a movie together last night and… ehem, we got feelings.”

Seungyoun slightly imagined what he meant by “got feelings” and stopped his brain by taking a spoonful of food. He then looked up at Hangyul and said, “Well, congrats. But I mean, you’ve known each other for a while now, haven’t you?”

“Kinda? We got to know each other on Cyworld about a year ago. He found me based on my school and asked me about how to get in.”

Hearing the word “Cyworld,” Seungyoun suddenly remembered that day when he caught Wooseok checking on his old Cyworld page. Something felt weird. Was it a coincidence? But anyway, he wondered, “You still using Cyworld?”

“Not really, but I think me and Wooseok are meant to be. One day I got on my Cyworld for the first time in three years and he sent me a message on that very day and asked me about our school. At first, I just wanted to help him, but then we started to talk more. Then one day he called me, and I thought we had the chance to be… together.”

Seungyoun didn’t know how to respond to the latter part so he just squeezed a smile on his face.

“Although I am a popular person, I happened to be single at that time, you know.” Hangyul kept flexing.

“I don’t believe you were single back then.” Seungyoun rolled his eyes, “Weren’t you dating that guy from Singapore a year ago?”

“Ah, that one, he found an Italian guy later,” Hangyul said nonchalantly.

“Anyway, I’m not interested in your friends circle.” Seungyoun felt tired of this topic.

“Ahhh~~ my Wooseokie, he’s so so so cute! And he’s so good in bed too.” Hangyul suddenly began whipping over his new boyfriend.

“Can you not???” --not doing this during lunchtime in front of me—that was the whole sentence.

“But I was just saying the truth.”

“Whatever.”

When Seungyoun arrived home that evening, the first thing he did was opening his Cyworld page. 

It’s been a while since he logged onto this site, too. The last time was also about three years ago. He scrolled down his own page and saw some albums. The cover photos looked unfamiliar even though they were his works taken during high school years. He then stopped the cursor at an album with polaroid photos. He remembered back then Polaroid was about to go bankrupt so he spent quite some money to find the original films.

He clicked open that album and a photo. To his surprise, he found that there was actually a comment under it. He went to the next one, a comment by the same person. And then the next, there was another comment…

_“I like it. It feels so healing.”_

_“The ambiance… The serenity...”_

_“This looks like a screenshot from a film.”_

_“Ah this chair looks comfortable, I want to take a nap here…”_

_“…”_

Seungyoun kept reading the comments one photo after another. They made him happy because he was sure no one ever left a comment here before. After a few minutes of fluttering of heart, he had a closer look at the comments and found out that they were actually all left by the same ID about a year ago.

Of course, he had to check on this ID, so he clicked on this person’s page. The ID was “chestnut” and the person was labeled a "male." Chestnut’s personal page looked kind of boring at first. There wasn’t much self-introduction, and the album covers were all sceneries and artworks, no selfies or things like that. Young people on Cyworld used to decorate their Cyworld page like this, portraying themselves as cool and alternative artists. Seungyoun knew this well so he wasn’t too impressed by this person. But out of curiosity, he clicked into one album. The photos in the album were mostly black and white industrial signs or corners and roofs of buildings. Emm, the more he looked, the more he found them interesting. This "chestnut" person did have a unique eye for lifeless things. So he ended up checking the next few pages until he suddenly reached page 5…

The whole page was filled with black and white photos of... Kim Wooseok.

Half-naked, Wooseok looked like a child, or maybe, teenager? The photos captured all kinds of emotions of Wooseok: fearful, angry, curious, serious, reserved… and there were close-up shots of his beautiful and innocent face. In some photos, he looked so happy that his eyes almost turned into a crescent. He was so genuine in these photos, which meant that he definitely trusted the photographer behind the camera with his whole heart.

On the next page, Wooseok’s hair was wet and his gestures were more expressive. Sometimes he would cover his eyes, other times he would dance freely. He looked so relaxed and comfortable even though his half-naked body made him seem so fragile and vulnerable.

There was one more page in this album, and at this point, Seungyoun didn’t even notice that he was shaking when clicking on page 7.

And then, three more photos appeared in front of his eyes:

The first one was a selfie showing the photographer hovering over Wooseok’s body and giving him a kiss. 

In the second one, two naked people, back-to-back, sitting on a bed located in a deserted room. One was clearly Wooseok, and the other, the photographer, the man he just saw in the first photo, was smoking a cigarette.

In the third one, there was Wooseok alone, sitting at the corner of the same bed, raising one hand toward the viewer as if he was telling the photographer to stop photographing him. However, he was actually laughing, almost too joyous to really say “no.”

Seungyoun took a very deep breath.

He wanted to express something, but all he could think of was: Damn, these photos were perfect! Who the heck took these amazing photos? They were the best portraiture he’d ever seen. They were so sincere and powerful, and Wooseok in these photos was the sheer subject of someone’s creation. Yes, Wooseok was stunning, but the fact that the incomparable rendering of light, shadow, composition, and the right amount of emotion roused from the model, all hurt Seungyoun. He felt like these photos were laughing at him because he would never be as good as this person. These were the photos that he wanted to take but had never achieved, the harmony between the photographer and model made him jealous and frustrated. And he didn’t know if he would ever achieve this level of mastery one day. 

After a few minutes of frustration and self-deprecation, Seungyoun suddenly realized that Wooseok once told him that only his “ex-boyfriend” took photos of him.

Ah, so the photographer in these photos must be his ex-boyfriend then.

But who’s the person behind this account named “chestnut”?


	5. Chapter 5

Seungyoun closed his computer and threw himself to the bed.

“Chestnut…” he muttered this name. These photos were definitely taken by Wooseok’s ex-boyfriend, but the comments left by him felt quite different from the photos he took. The comments were cute, but the style of his photos was fierce and powerful.

Maybe it was Wooseok who used his boyfriend’s Cyworld account and left comments under his photos? If so, that means Wooseok had been knowing him for a long time already? Or maybe, it was truly his boyfriend who left those comments? But how could a photographer as skillful as "chestnut" liking _my_ work? Seungyoun couldn’t fathom the mystery.

As Seungyoun closed his eyes, Wooseok’s image in those photos came back to him again. He seemed to be fully trusting the person behind the camera. If it was not his boyfriend or closest friend, Seungyoun couldn’t think of any other person who could stimulate such natural reactions from a model. This made Seungyoun wonder why Wooseok immediately agreed to be his model the other day at the dinner. Or maybe he shouldn’t be thinking too deep into this. Maybe he was just trying to be polite.

Suddenly, Seungyoun realized that he could just ask Hangyul. Since Hangyul said Wooseok contacted him via Cyworld before, he'd definitely know Wooseok’s account and he could just tell him if he was “chestnut.” But wait, didn’t this mean that account was definitely NOT Wooseok? Because Hangyul would be mad if he saw those photos of Wooseok with his ex…

But Seungyoun was too curious. He finally texted Hangyul: “What’s Wooseok’s Cyworld account?”

“What happened??” It seemed Hangyul was quite cautious about Seungyoun asking him about Wooseok’s Cyworld ID.

“Nothing, just curious,” Seungyoun replied.

“It’s just ‘wooseok,’ you can go to my page and find him on my friends list.”

“Ok thanks.”

So “chestnut” was not him but his ex-boyfriend then. Seungyoun thought and opened his computer again and got onto Hangyul’s page. Before looking for Wooseok, he actually checked on Hangyul’s albums and found that he still had their study trip photos from sophomore year. In the group photo, they were standing together, shoulder by shoulder. They both looked young and carefree, and much thinner than now. Seungyoun smiled as he recalled the old days, but as he scrolled down, he suddenly saw a comment with a very familiar icon. It was the hand that he just saw on “chestnut’s” photo, it was Wooseok’s hand when he was trying to stop the photographer, flirtatiously. And the ID, of course, read “wooseok,” and the comment read, “Hangyul hyung, my future senbae, how was this trip?” It was also from about a year ago.

Seungyoun was stunned for a bit and then clicked on “wooseok’s” page. It was quite simple and plain, but the header was another black and white photo he just saw on "chestnut’s" page. Moreover, the self-introduction section said, “I’m breaking up with you.”

Ok, so now he got hold of Wooseok and his ex-boyfriends’ Cyworld accounts. But then he asked himself: “Now what? So what?”

To make the logic clear, maybe “chestnut” was just checking on other Korean students from this art school and bumped into Seungyoun’s page. And this “chest” happened to be Wooseok’s ex-boyfriend so he might have shown Seungyoun’s page to Wooseok; and maybe the latter was bored and used “chestnut’s” account to leave some comments there just for fun… And this could also explain why Wooseok was checking on Seungyoun’s Cyworld the other day while waiting for him to get off class--maybe he missed his ex, so he was checking everything related to him again, including whom he followed on Cyworld. 

Everything was just coincidence, Seungyoun told himself. But then he suddenly came up with the evil idea: how about telling Hangyul about this “chestnut” guy? Seungyoun didn’t know why he would want to do this, and he didn’t understand why, even though he accepted the fact that he and Hangyul were the best friends but every now and then, he still wanted to do mean things to him behind his back. He thought he was abnormal, he was divided, and maybe there were some major issues with his personality. But wait, maybe Hangyul already knew that Wooseok had some ex-boyfriends and didn’t care? So in the end, Seungyoun gave up the thought and just texted Hangyul, “I found it, thanks.”

“Do you want to contact him for something?” Hangyul replied after a while, still a little cautious and curious.

“Nothing, I was just bored. So what are you doing now?” Seungyoun acted naturally.

“Watching a movie.”

Seungyoun went back to his computer and “chestnut’s” album of Wooseok was still in front of him. Thus, he felt the urge to take another look at these stunning photos. But this time, he knew he wanted to examine the teenager Wooseok more carefully, the Wooseok he had never known, never seen. He scanned his perfect look, inch by inch, as if trying to carve a mark on his flawless face.

What if he was the photographer? Would Wooseok feel comfortable to be the model and cooperate with him to present such amazing results?

This thought quickly surprised Seungyoun because it never happened before. He always only concerned about whether he could “take good photos” but when he thought about Wooseok, he suddenly raised a fear that maybe he would disappoint him. He felt afraid that Wooseok wouldn’t like him as a photographer, or wouldn’t like him in general…

Seungyoun couldn’t sleep that night. Of course, it wasn’t because he gazed at Wooseok’s photos for too long. Instead, he was just anxious. At 3am, he opened a can of beer and started to jot down some composition ideas on some papers. This was something unusual for him, too, as he would always follow his feelings when taking photos instead of having a clear plan on the paper beforehand. Especially when taking portraiture, he was actually good at making the model feel comfortable and naturally presenting their real self. However, Seungyoun couldn't stop thinking about how he wanted to portray Wooseok, even though they hadn't scheduled anything yet.

The next morning, he arrived at the library at the last minute before being late for work there. He had been working in the school library since freshman year. The job was quite easy. Although he had to shelve books, most of the time he just needed to sit at the checkout table idly. To his surprise, there were so many books waiting to be shelved this morning, and his coworker, an American student, thought it was okay to ask the foreign student to do all the “hard labor.” Seungyoun knew the coworker was just being lazy, but he didn’t mind going to the back of the building because compared to dealing with people at the front desk, he’d rather being alone in the back with the bookshelves.

Seungyoun pushed a cart full of books to the back and went directly to the end of the main hallway where there were many big French windows. From there, he could see a small, almost abandoned garden downstairs. Since it was behind the library building, not many people knew this place and even the cleaners would forget to come and clean the fallen leaves. As a result, the garden had a special aura in Seungyoun’s eyes: mysterious, personal, lonely, yet beautiful. So besides shelving books, he liked to stay here for a while just to appreciate the rare serendipity.

Nevertheless, on this day, he immediately saw someone down there. A familiar figure wearing white outfits like a fallen angel, except that he was... smoking a cigarette. 

The smoke rose up, and Wooseok suddenly turned around and looked up as if he knew someone was looking at him from above. And of course, his doe eyes met with Seungyoun’s intense, but complicated gaze. They kept this way for a long time, simply locking their eyes on each other, silently. Both of them seemed to be trying to figure out something, but not knowing what it was.

The only thing they could distill from the moment was that, why did the other person look so melancholic, so depressed? 

After another few seconds, Wooseok suddenly brought himself back to reality and hurriedly doused his cigarette on the rim of the fountain. He then waved at Seungyoun, trying to look natural. However, it was obvious that he looked quite surprised as if was caught doing something illegal. Then, his mouth slightly opened and said something.

Seungyoun could tell that he was calling him “hyung.”

Seungyoun waved back and then pointed to his back to indicate that he had to go back to work. He also hurriedly left the scene because it was truly awkward. He was indeed surprised to find out that Wooseok was smoking, but at the same time, why did his heart skip a beat and then bump like crazy when Wooseok looked into his eyes?

Seungyoun put one hand on his chest and could still feel the abnormal beats inside. To distract himself from whatever feeling he was having, he randomly grabbed a book from the cart and flipped open the page.

The book happened to be a photobook by an up and coming photographer in Korea. Seungyoun read the introduction and found out that this person openly claimed to be gay, graduated from an art school in New York, and now based on South Korea to broaden his career.

It came as no surprise that the majority of his subjects were men, naked men. And some of his photos were so explicit and reminded Seungyoun of Robert Mapplethorpe, as most of the subjects in his photos were male genitals. Seungyoun felt uncomfortable to look at them closely because he never felt these were something “beautiful” to be captured by a camera. He didn’t like the fact that many gay photographers nowadays like to use this angle for their artworks, as if only this can label their sexuality. Seungyoun hated stereotypes, hated conventions, and troupes. However, he also realized that he didn’t really have the credential to diss this person, because at least, this person had a book published, yet he had nothing presentable.

Everything led to self-deprecation for Seungyoun these days, so he sighed and put the book aside. Nevertheless, just when he decided to get up and start shelving the books in the cart, all the lights in this quiet space were suddenly turned on. Seungyoun almost had a heart attack because he was pretty sure no one was here just now. But when he rubbed his eyes and looked at the entrance where all the light switches were located, he saw Wooseok, walking this way.

“Hyung,” Wooseok called him in a light and gentle voice.

The next thing he knew, Wooseok was already standing in front of him. Strangely, Seungyoun felt that Wooseok suddenly became so tall and repressive, maybe because he was sitting while Wooseok was standing. Moreover, before Seungyoun could say something first, Wooseok already began to rub Seungyoun’s hair with an angelic smile on his face, saying, “Hyung, were you okay?”

Seungyoun couldn’t believe what was happening. Yes he was shocked to find Wooseok was smoking alone in the garden just now so he tried to act natural and walked away. But now, the Wooseok in front of him looked like the purest creature in the entire universe. He was so soft and healing, and the warm feeling above Seungyoun’s head made him so peaceful. Seungyoun was unprepared for such interaction, but it didn't feel bad so he actually started to enjoy it?!

Seungyoun didn’t answer Wooseok’s question about “were you okay” because he wasn’t sure what he was referring to. Meanwhile, it seemed that Wooseok wasn’t really waiting for an answer either because he already laid his eyes on the photobook next to Seungyoun in the cart. He opened it and casually flipped a few pages.

“Why are you here, hyung?” Wooseok asked while fixing his eyes on the book.

“I work here.”

“Well, actually I know. I saw you last time.” Wooseok stopped flipping the book and looked at him.

“Em? When? Then why didn’t you come to say hi?” Seungyoun said.

“Because I wasn’t ready.”

Wooseok’s answer was so weird. It made Seungyoun confused. But this was not the first time that Wooseok was being vague when answering his questions, so Seungyoun didn’t follow up.

“I knew him. He’s a famous gay photographer in New York, right?” Wooseok suddenly changed the topic and this time, he stared at Seungyoun even more pressingly.

Seungyoun looked away. His heart fluttered by Wooseok’s emphasis on the word “gay.” He was worried that Wooseok would think that he was here alone to read a book like this… a book full of photos of male genitals. That would be the biggest misunderstanding of the century. 

But Wooseok didn't pursue this topic further either. He closed the book and put it back on Seungyoun’s laps. They were so close that Seungyoun could literally smell the cigarette from Wooseok’s collar.

“Hyung, if you want to talk to someone, feel free to talk to me,” Wooseok said, “you were looking really pale and sad just now.”

Was I? Seungyoun wondered to himself. But he thought Wooseok was the one who looked melancholic. 

“Ok, thanks my dear dongsaeng.” He ended up saying. 

“It’s your first time calling me dongsaeng,” Wooseok had a dim glow on his face, and then he quickly hid it and said, “because you said, we need to help each other in the future.”

“Now my turn. It’s not okay to hide in the back of the library and smoke alone. What was wrong?” Seungyoun finally gathered some “senbae's authority" and asked him.

“Don’t you smoke? I thought art students all smoke,” Wooseok said.

Well, Seungyoun had a few packs of cigarettes at home but he’s not a regular smoker.

“Emm, not really,” Seungyoun said while shaking his head. The atmosphere was getting more and more awkward, he let out a long sigh and stretched his arms, “Ok, I think I need to go back to work.”

“Ah, that’s true.” Wooseok also realized it. So he stepped back a bit and waited for Seungyoun to stand up. And then, he suddenly jumped to his back and pushed his back. Seungyoun wasn’t prepared and almost tripped himself. As he looked back in disbelief, he saw Wooseok was smiling cutely and wittingly at him, “Hyung, fighting!”

And without even saying a word back, Wooseok already ran away. 

Seungyoun was totally lost on site. What a weird kid, he thought. But when he recalled Wooseok’s cloudy and melancholic expression when smoking in the garden, he was like another person, not the one who was super naughty now. And besides “lost”, he also had a sense of disappointment and frustration: How come he had a feeling that Wooseok knew more about him than he knew about Wooseok?

Suddenly, his phone vibrated. It was a message from Hangyul:

“Hey, let’s go to Mari’s birthday party tomorrow. She’s from our department so everyone who’s going should be familiar faces to you.”

It took Seungyoun a while to remember who Mari was. Oh ok, a girl from Busan, and she was an undergrad in the department… Although Seungyoun didn’t like occasions like this, sometimes he would still go just to try to “fit in.” So he replied, “Ok, I’ll go.”

Hangyul was so used to being rejected by Seungyoun when inviting him to parties, so when he got Seungyoun’s quick reply, he was thrilled and sent a voice message back, “Ah great! Then come pick me up at 6 pm tomorrow!”

“What the fuck, Hangyul? Why am I driving you again?” Seungyoun shouted back with a sigh. 


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday at 6pm, Seungyoun’s car was already outside Hangyul and Wooseok’s apartment. He didn’t know what birthday gift to prepare so he just made a big bowl of salad, at least to add a dish to the party.

Ten minutes later, Hangyul came downstairs, and Wooseok followed him. Hangyul looked heartless and carefree as usual. He opened the passenger’s seat door and immediately wowed, “Bro, you cooked???”

“Why is this a surprise to you?” Seungyoun rolled his eyes while checking in the mirror to make sure Wooseok also came in and sat in the back well and sound. And then he started the engine and began driving. 

Hangyul gave Mari a big hug upon entering the birthday girl’s apartment, and then he pulled out a small box from his bag and said, “My wifey and I chose this gift for you together.” He emphasized the word “wifey” as if trying to let everyone in the room hear him. Mari reacted in the most exaggerating way: her eyes became round and quickly locked on Wooseok, she then took a big breath, and yelled in a high pitch, “Oh my gawd, so you are his boyfriend! Awww you are so cute!!! You know Hangyul has been bragging about you for a long time! I'm finally meeting you!!!” She then sholved Hangyul aside and gave Wooseok a big hug as well. Wooseok seemed a little shy but politely hugged back. Then, he gently stepped aside because Seungyoun was behind him and no one seemed to have noticed him yet.

“Hi, happy birthday.” As Mari’s attention finally reached Seungyoun, Seungyoun greeted her awkwardly. Although Mari didn’t seem as excited, she also gave Seungyoun a friendly smile, "Welcome, Seungyoun oppa."

“Ah, Mari, you know him, right? He's Cho Seungyoun.” Hangyul eventually realized that he hadn’t introduced his best friend yet, “He never goes to parties but he comes today for your birthday. Be grateful to your oppas, ok?” Hangyul joked.

“Thank you so much! And thanks for bringing food. We definitely need some salad today.” Mari thanked Seungyoun again, but this time, she seemed to have looked away quickly. 

Seungyoun had a quick glance at Mari. She was tall, probably 1.70m, and had beautiful, cascading black hair. Her height could be intimidating for some but she actually had an adorable face--big and round eyes, pure and clear skin, and even had two dimples. Also, even though she could act like a loud girl in front of Hangyul, Seungyoun thought that could just be her persona because looking around the room, she had all kinds of old movie posters and classicical music CDs, which were totally different from Hangyul's hard rock collection at home.

The apartment had already been decorated with a lot of tassels, balloons, and of course, fast-food takeouts and all kinds of drinks. About a dozen more people were already inside, drinking and socializing. Seungyoun suddenly realized why Hangyul asked him to drive—because Gyul wanted to get wasted and needed a driver.

“Damn you Gyul,” Seungyoun complained internally.

Hangyul used to be very attentive to Seungyoun on occasions like this because he knew Seungyoun would feel awkward at first. But this time, since Wooseok was there, he totally forgot about his bestie from the beginning. Seungyoun didn't mind because he didn't really asked Gyul to help me get around anyway.

Wooseok was new here so at first he looked really shy. But since Gyul was so loud and Mari was so warmhearted, they quickly made Wooseok talk more to the other senbaes in the room. 

As for Seungyoun, he found an empty sofa to sit on and started watching TV. But quickly, a guy came up to him and said hi. It was actually a Chinese guy who always wanted to compete with him in Professor R's class, so when he saw Seungyoun he quickly approached him and started mentioning a recent assignment. Seungyoun felt kinda awkward but had no choice but to talk to him. However, at the same time, he couldn’t help but eavesdrop on what Hangyul and Wooseok were talking about a few seats away, even though there was nothing special, just Hangyul flexing his boyfriend to everyone else. 

“Hey, Seungyoun oppa, Wenhan oppa, it’s my birthday why are you talking about homework here!?” At one point, Mari came and gave Seungyoun and the nerd beside him both a bottle of beer.

“Haha, sorry sorry, my fault.” Seungyoun took the drink and apologized with a “flirty” smile. He tried his best to act “social” and to be honest, he’s not bad at it. He then lightly clinked the bottle on Mari’s, and said, “Happy birthday, wish you always this cute and pretty."

Mari seemed a little flustered, if not blushed already.

“Come on Mari, why are you blushing?” Hangyul’s annoying voice broke the transient silence between them. Mari was startled and shouted back, “I’m not!!!” and then she quickly finished all the drink in her glass.

“Oh wait, Seungyoun, you shouldn’t drink much! If you get drunk, who can drive me home?” Hangyul then noticed that Seungyoun was holding a bottle of beer so he yelled at him.

“I hate you Hangyul,” Seungyoun got reminded of his “mission”--a driver. 

Few hours into the party, the crowd had consumed all the food and were broken into smaller groups. Around 11pm, some people were already drunk and lying around on the floor or on the sofa. Hangyul and Wooseok had been together throughout the night. No matter where Hangyul went, he would take Wooseok with him. Meanwhile, Seungyoun never joined their cohort. He didn’t want to be in the center of attention and he didn’t want to hear Hangyul flexing all night. So most of the time, he was watching TV with a few people or playing some table games with the same "nerdy" crowd.

“I thought you were in a relationship with Hangyul before tonight. Is this why you are avoiding him all night?” Suddenly, Wenhan murmured into Seungyoun's ear.

“Are you crazy? What are you thinking? Hell no!” Seungyoun found it the most ridiculous, if not offensive thing he had ever heard.

“Haha, I was just kidding.” Wenhan was taken aback by Seungyoun’s reaction, so he patted his shoulder and smiled apologetically.

However, what shocked Seungyoun the most was that Wenhan thought he was gay! How could he assume he was dating Hangyul?? _Wait, don’t tell me everyone in this school is thinking this way? Oh god please send help_ … Seungyoun let out a long and helpless sigh.

Around midnight, only a few people were still sober, Mari, Hangyul, Wooseok, and Seungyoun included. Someone raised the idea to play “truth or dare.” Even though it was an old-fashioned game, it was also a “must” for birthday parties.

“Enjoy yourselves guys, I can’t drink. I need to drive later.” Seungyoun politely declined the invite.

“Then just tell us some truths, oppa~” Mari pushed Seungyoun’s shoulder and her voice was so sweet, almost like begging him.

“You can’t make the birthday girl disappointed,” the other people started to boo him and Seungyoun couldn’t find any other excuse. In the end, someone gave him a bottle of pure water and he was sitting in a small circle with the sober ones.

“Wait, isn’t Wooseok underage?” the legal drinking age in the US is 21, so Mari suddenly raised up the issue.

“I’m 21.” Wooseok answered. 

“WHAT???” Everyone seemed surprised. They all knew Wooseok was a freshman so maybe he was only 18 or 19, but he’s actually 21?

“Yea, I went to a college for two years in Korea before coming here.” Wooseok said, “Sorry everyone, I was lying because I wanted to be the mangnae and get all your love.” Wooseok said jokingly with the cutest smile.

“Awwwww, it’s ok Seokie, you are still our pretty baby,” Hangyul pulled him into his chest and the rest at the site all did a facepalm. Indeed, Hangyul had been acting like this for the entire night already.

“Ok whatever, let’s drink!” Someone said and made a toast.

Seungyoun was sitting across Wooseok actually, and the fact that Wooseok was only a year younger than him still made him feel a little surprised and weird. Why didn’t Hangyul tell him? But why would Hangyul tell him? He lost in thought. But when he looked up again, his eyes were met by Wooseok’s doe eyes across the table. One second, or maybe two seconds later, they both shied away from each other.

Something was in the air, but maybe it was called "nothing?"

Seungyoun was lucky as he never got picked out to tell a truth or drink, until the last round.

However, the one who was supposed to ask him a question got stuck, because he didn’t really know Seungyoun much.

“Emm, just ask a generic question, don’t be too explicit.” Hangyul was the first one to “save” Seungyoun from the awkwardness. In fact, Hangyul was very helpful and considerate during times like this. And Seungyoun was honestly very thankful for it. Hangyul knew Seungyoun didn’t like to be on the spot, and he knew Seungyoun would feel very uncomfortable if the question got too personal.

“Ok, then just tell us who do you like the most in this room.” The person pointed at Seungyoun and asked.

Seungyoun still found this question very hard though.

First, he would not say Hangyul. Hell no! Second, he dared not to say Wooseok. 

“I’d say Mari then.” Seungyoun didn’t want the wait to be too long because that would only kill the vibe in the room and made everyone more embarrassed. So he said this safe answer, or at least he thought it was safe.

However, apparently, some people were not satisfied with the answer.

“What do you mean by ‘Mari then?'”

“It sounds like you had no choice but to choose her, haha.”

“Aww poor birthday girl…”

Everyone started to pick on Seungyoun and teasing him and Mari.

“Ah, ok, ok, I’m so sorry Mari. I’ll drink this one up to apologize.” Seungyoun immediately grabbed a small glass near him and drank it at once. He then looked at Mari, but Mari seemed very thoughtful.

“I can’t help you anymore bro,” Hangyul shrugged and turned to Mari, "Don't get mad at him, he's a weirdo."

“No I’m fine… emm, guys I’m going to get some fruits.” And Mari stood up and left the scene.

Damn, this is way too awkward. 

As a result, Seungyoun drank up another glass and then pardoned himself from the game as well: “I need to use the bathroom,” he said.

He actually went to the balcony to take some fresh air. This was why he hated parties. He’s just not good at it. He’s not good at playing games, at socializing with people, at being gossipy about things that he had no interest in… He could easily kill everyone’s mood like this. Now how would they think of him? A downer? A nerd? He didn’t know.

He found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on the table on the balcony, so he picked one and started smoking. It’s been a while since he smoked, and it felt really nice when smoking alone on a cold night. Maybe this was the most enjoyable moment of the entire night for him.

After a while, the balcony door opened behind him.

And it was Mari.

“Seungyoun oppa, are you ok? I'm sorry…”

“No I should be saying sorry. I didn’t mean that, you know…” Seungyoun was actually a little surprised to find out it was her. So he quickly extinguished the cigarette.

“No I wasn’t mad at you…” Mari slowly sat on the edge of the table and looked at somewhere distant.

The two were quiet for a few seconds but it actually didn’t feel that strange.

“Oppa, are you… are you single? Many hoobaes of mine said that you are so handsome and they were wondering if you have a girlfriend.” Mari initiated the talk but her voice became lower and lower.

“What?” Seungyoun was surprised because never had one girl came to him and said “you are handsome." Not to mention someone was asking him whether he’s single.

“I, I was just asking for my friends. If you don’t want to answer, it’s ok. But to tell you a secret, I also thought you and Hangyul oppa were a couple before, but then I knew he had other boyfriends and I understood.”

“Understood what?”

“Huh? Ah, understood that you were just friends, of course.” Mari smiled, “and I think you and Hangyul oppa have very different feelings and auras. I wondered why you two are best friends. Haha.” 

For some reason, Seungyoun suddenly felt very thankful and moved. He was thankful that Mari didn’t think he was gay and he was moved that Mari could tell he and Hangyul were totally different people.

Maybe Mari impressed him, or maybe he just wanted to make sure that she knew he was straight (or so he believed), so he added, “I had a girlfriend during my freshman year. We broke up after 6 months. I lost interest in dating, and I’ve been single ever since. ”

“No wonder you have the highest GPA in your class,” Mari said with a complicated look on her face. She then leaned on the balcony and looked at the sky, muttering, “I’m really thankful that you came here today, oppa. I heard that you didn't like to go to parties, so, I was really happy when I saw you came."

Seungyoun almost wanted to say “maybe you guys would have more fun if I weren’t here” because that was really what he was thinking, but he stopped himself. He couldn’t reveal the dark side of him in front of such a nice girl.

But at this very moment, Mari turned around and looked straight into his eyes, “Oppa, I’m graduating soon, and I’ll be staying in this city for an internship. If… if you feel bored, can we try dating?”

_What? What did she just say?_

After a second of panic, Seungyoun quickly knew the answer. Because, strangely, he felt strange, and even disgusted. Not that he was disgusted by the girl, because Mari was definitely a pretty and considerate girl who deserve a good boyfriend. But somehow, Seungyoun didn’t like the feeling of being confessed, he didn’t like this kind of unfounded “like” from someone he wasn’t familiar with, he would rather be invisible, he just wanted to be alone.

“Wait, are you here because you are still playing ‘truth or dare’?” Seungyoun suddenly realized the possibility.

“What?” Mari was obviously shocked by this question.

_Damn, she’s serious._

“Oppa, you know you have offended me twice already and it’s my birthday,” Mari ran her hand in her beautiful long hair. But then she smiled, bitterly, “It’s ok, I was kidding, oppa.” She then walked past Seungyoun and opened the balcony door, “I’ll going back in to have some drinks with them.” 

After the door was shut again, Seungyoun lit up another cigarette.

_She’s a nice girl. But I’m a weirdo._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my twitter account got locked for no obvious reason and I had to change to this @meow_maki. 😭😭😭😭😭 Find me there if you like...


	7. Chapter 7

Seungyoun went inside after smoking a few cigarettes. The party was getting quieter as more and more people fell asleep or passed out, including Hangyul.  
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here overnight?” Mari asked Wooseok.  
“It’s ok. Seungyoun hyung and I will take care of him,” Wooseok said while looking for Seungyoun.  
“Yea, let’s go. I can still drive.” Seungyoun met his sight immediately. He then pulled the already wasted Hangyul up from the sofa and carried him toward the door. 

“Ok, be careful driving,” Mari said to Seungyoun, she expression was visibly clouded.  
“No worries.” Seungyoun replied plainly as if nothing happened between them a while ago.  
Mari then turned to Wooseok again, saying in a teasingly tone: “Ah, Hangyul told me to make sure that you don’t carry him, he said he didn’t want you to get tired or hurt, and he said Seungyoun oppa would take good care of him.”  
Wooseok slightly paused, and then spoke in a low voice to Seungyoun, “Hyung, let’s go.” 

September night was chilly, but Seungyoun was sweating because he was carrying the super drunk Hangyul who felt like twice the weight than usual. He placed Hangyul on the backseat, meanwhile Wooseok found a blanket in the trunk and put it over Hangyul. He even slightly patted him, and then walked to the passenger’s seat.  
Seungyoun saw this small action between them but he’d rather not see it. Watching them being close made him feel weird. Maybe to him, they were not “real” enough to convince him. To him, Wooseok didn’t seem serious about Hangyul. 

“Hangyul always told me that you are good at taking care of him," Seungyoun said while starting the car.  
Wooseok didn’t say anything back, but he slightly sighed.  
“You must be tired?” Seungyoun continued asking in a caring tone, like a real brother would do. But Wooseok stayed silent.  
“One good thing about Hangyul is that he is quiet when he is drunk,” Seungyoun continued. He seemed to be talking to himself even though he glanced at Wooseok.  
Wooseok still didn't say a word, but he leaned on the window. Maybe he was quite tired after a whole night of socializing. 

Seungyoun decided to shut up and focus on the road. When he stopped at a red light, he turned around to check on Hangyul, who was, of course, in a slumber state. Then he smiled. It was not the first time for him to take the drunken Hangyul home, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last. Although sometimes Seungyoun was truly “annoyed” by Hangyul, he had to admit that perhaps he couldn’t live without him, either. Hangyul had been very helpful at times. Helping him with the driving test, with group projects, “forcing” him to go to events that he refused to go at first but then kinda enjoyed, and of course, saving him from awkward moments since he knew Seungyoun’s introvert side more than anyone else.  
Seungyoun thought maybe he was way worse than Hangyul.

The green light went back on. Wooseok lazily stretched beside him, like a cat who just wanted to change to a more comfortable position while half-asleep.  
Ah, cute. 

Talking about “cute,” wait, didn’t a girl confess to me tonight? Seungyoun suddenly had an awakening from what happened between him and Mari. He still couldn’t believe Mari would confess to him because a girl like her should be quite popular. Even tonight, she had more male guests than female guests for her birthday party. It must be hard and challenging for a girl like her to confess first, Seungyoun thought, maybe he really disappointed Mari on her birthday. However, even giving him another chance, he knew he would still reject at once.  
Because just by recalling this small event, he already felt another round of uneasiness, and disgust.  
He didn’t know why but he was pretty sure that he would feel sick when a girl confesses to him from now on.  
In fact, now he didn’t even know if he had enjoyed dating his first girlfriend during freshman year. He only remembered that everyone else was dating so he thought he’d join the trend as well. But after a few months, he began feeling tired of her, of seeing her walking around him, seeing her appearing everywhere that he went. He also disliked how that girl would always look at him in a “worshipping” way. He felt sick, he didn’t know why a girl would lower herself in order to be loved. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t.  
So he initiated the breakup. The girl transferred to another school the next semester. 

However, did that experience make him uninterested in women? No way, right? Seungyoun asked himself. He felt okay to talk to Mari but he couldn’t imagine developing a further, deeper relationship with her, he just couldn’t. 

Suddenly, a thought that never occurred to him struck his head: am I becoming gay???

And there was another red light, he made an abrupt stop, which woke Wooseok up.  
“Ah, sorry,” Seungyoun quickly apologized. And at this moment Hangyul made a weird murmur in the back, making the two in the front giggle together.  
“Hyung, how far do you have to drive?” Wooseok rubbed his hair and asked in a husky voice since he just woke up.  
“Almost there.” Seungyoun answered patiently, “there are too many street lights on this road, should have chosen another route.”  
"Oh ok," Wooseok leaned back again. 

“Hyung, sorry.” Wooseok said after a few seconds of silence.  
“Emm?” Seungyoun wasn’t sure why.  
“I mean, m, me and Hangyul, dating… and stuff…” Wooseok muttered as if he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to be heard.  
“Why are you apologizing to me? I knew he was pursuing you. Maybe I should say sorry since I said 'bad things' about him to you. Don’t take me seriously, haha. I always diss him behind his back.”  
“No, I mean, I didn’t tell you about this and suddenly I agreed to be with him… so I knew you felt a little awkward, right?”  
“Emm… not really. He’s nice, he can be a good help to you.” Seungyoun answered coolly but god, his heart was beating so hard for god knows why. He was pretending to be cool, in fact, he still felt awkward when Wooseok raised the topic.  
However, seeing Wooseok becoming silent again, Seungyoun somehow felt sympathetic. He patted on Wooseok’s head and comforted him, “It’s ok. Why are you looking so wronged? I wish you happy. And if you need anything from me, feel free to come to me, ok?”  
Wooseok quietly nodded. 

After ten minutes, they arrived at Hangyul's apartment. Seungyoun automatically walked to the back seat, unbuckled Hangyul, and then slowly and carefully carried him out, letting him collapse on his back. The whole process looked so natural as if he had been doing this for many times… which, was true though. 

As he started walking, he heard Wooseok muttering something beside him.  
“Hangyul was right about you,” he said, "and chestnut was right, too…” His voice cracked as he mentioned "chestnut."  
And Seungyoun also stopped, "Chestnut?"

Seungyoun already knew that “chestnut” was Wooseok’s ex-boyfriend. But what did he mean by saying “chestnut was right, too?” Did he really know me? Seungyoun wanted to ask more but Wooseok sounded so emotional and Seungyoun didn’t want to be senseless.  
In the end, he just patted Wooseok’s head again and said, “let’s get Gyul to bed.”

While carrying Hangyul up, Hangyul gained some conscious and started to grumble, “Ah~~~ Seungyoun, Seungyounie… thanks… for sending me back again, I love you~~~~”  
“Lame,” Seungyoun spitted.  
Hangyul made a throw up sound.  
“I’m leaving you here, right here, outside!” Seungyoun shouted at him.  
And Hangyul rubbed Seungyoun’s hair, "you won't hurt me, darling."  
“Stop! Shut the hell up!"

Seungyoun finally threw Hangyul in his messy bed.  
If it was before, Seungyoun would also go to the kitchen, bring out a cup of water and place beside Hangyul’s bed before leaving. However, today when he saw this bed, he suddenly imagined what Gyul and Wooseok might have done here. He quickly killed his active braincells and said to Wooseok, “Ok, I’m going home.”  
“Thank you, hyung. I’ll take care of him from here.” Wooseok said while giving Seungyoun a bottle of water.  
Wooseok walked Seungyoun out and leaned by the door.  
“Goodbye, hyung, drive safely,” he said.  
Seungyoun casually waved goodbye but when he got to his car and looked up at the second floor where Wooseok was still standing, he knew his heart had skipped a beat. He ran into his car as if running for his life. 

It was already 4am when he got back to his own apartment. Only then did he realize how stinky he was, full of the smell of cigarette and fast food. However, he was too tired to even take a shower so he just lied on the sofa and closed his eyes. 

Ding. A message came.  
“Chestnut was my ex.” 

Seungyoun stared at his phone for a long time until the light turned off. Why would Wooseok tell him this? Now? 

He didn’t know how to respond. Maybe everyone was kinda drunk tonight and did weird things. Anyway, he was too tired to think.

Ding. Another message came.  
“Hyung, are you mad at me? Sorry. Good night.”

“Why would I be mad?” Seungyoun typed the question but then deleted it. He wasn’t sure why Wooseok needed to apologize to him, for what? But he didn’t want to make things more complicated. So instead he responded, “Nevermind, just let me know when you need me. Good night.”  
He put the phone aside after sending the message, and for a moment he felt really good. He liked how he had set up a “helpful hyung” image in front of Wooseok. He kept telling Wooseok that he would help him whenever he needed, so that Wooseok might start to rely on him more. He didn’t know why he did this but it definitely made him feel good about himself, just a little bit. 

However, Seungyoun didn’t feel sleepy anymore. He lied on the sofa and looked at the ceiling for a long time. And this time he was thinking, “Why am I uninterested in women now?”  
Of course, this didn’t mean he turned gay. It was not an either/or situation. Yet he began to wonder why he didn’t want to be in a relationship as much as others did. He never felt sorry or regret about breaking up with his previous girlfriend, but why, after that, he never really liked anyone sexually?  
Actually, once he had a conversation with a counselor about this. They talked about the concept of “asexual” but Seungyoun didn't buy into it.

“Do you want to try group therapy?”  
There were at least three counselors who had given him the same suggestion. But Seungyoun rejected over and over again. He already hated to socialize with unknown people, why would he put himself in a group of strangers who would later likely to bump into each other on campus anyway?  
And then when he finally found one counselor who he felt the most comfortable to talk with, that man recently said, “Do you want to try to jump out of your comfort zone? You are clearly getting more depressed.”  
“Don’t say ‘group therapy.’” Seungyoun answered alertly.  
“No, no. I won’t force you to do that. I meant, you could try talk to people when you feel comfortable, maybe try talking to strangers online? No one would get hurt that way.”  
Seungyoun didn’t take his words to heart but tonight, the idea came back to him. Or maybe he suddenly felt bored and, a little lonely.

So he downloaded a networking app. Since he didn’t feel comfortable talking to women, he ended up downloading a gay networking app (god knows why, maybe he was drunk).  
Moreover, he had no idea why he turned on the location service, and within three seconds, there were already three people checking on him, even though he hadn’t even set up a profile picture yet.  
Truth was, he was not going to upload his picture. He just wanted to see what it was like to be on a social networking app. 

Then, a private message came in: "are you a bottom? I need a sugar baby."  
Another message came in: "want a good fuck buddy?"  
And another one, which was just a penis photo, without any text. 

Seungyoun threw his phone away as if it was a bomb, and then he ran directly to the toilet and threw up everything he had eaten.  
He almost couldn’t stand on his feet. All he could feel was sickness. It was disgusting, so disgusting.  
He realized that he couldn’t deal with it.  
And he crawled back to the living room, picked up his phone, and deleted the app right away.

Why is everything so disgusting in this world? He just wanted to see something beautiful.  
And he wanted to be saved by beautiful things.


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, Seungyoun had a fever.   
He believed it was all because of the birthday party; since he seldom went to parties, just one could “kill him” like this. 

Seungyoun pretty much passed out for the entire Sunday. And when the alarm clock woke him out on Monday morning, he decided to turn it off and skip classes for the day. He took some medicine and fell asleep again.   
Not sure how long had passed, Seungyoun was woken up by someone knocking on the door. At first, he thought it was his dream, but slowly, he opened his eyes and ears, realizing it was someone outside his apartment, and the voice… sounded like Hangyul.  
Seungyoun used up all his strength to reach the door, and indeed, it was his “best friend” Hangyul, banging on the door desperately and worriedly.   
“Are you ok? I’ve been calling you all day, why didn’t you answer? I came here first thing after class. I thought you died or something!” Hangyul shouted at Seungyoun when the latter just slightly opened the door. But then Hangyul saw Seungyoun’s pale face and became more dramatic and worried, “What’s wrong? Are you sick? Did you go to the hospital?”

“Just fever, nothing much.” 

“Damn! You look like you are dying!” Hangyul placed his hand on Seungyoun’s forehead and felt the heat, “Now go back to your bed and sleep!”

Seungyoun obeyed. He didn’t say a word and walked back to his bedroom. Hangyul followed him and sat beside his bed.   
“Did you take meds?” Hangyul asked.  
“Yes,” Seungyoun turned his back to Gyul and answered.   
“I think you are getting weaker. Last time when you came back from summer break you also had a fever. What’s wrong? Did you sleep well? Eat well?” Hangyul kept on asking.   
“Why are you like my mom?” Seungyoun turned back to face him, “I’ll be fine tomorrow.”  
“Bro you are making me worried. You live alone, what if you died and no one found you?” Hangyul said while pulling the edge of Seungyoun’s comforter a little higher to cover his neck.   
Seungyoun smiled vaguely, “What are you thinking all the time?”  
But Hangyul didn’t laugh, he looked dead serious, “Last time when your mom came to visit, she asked me to take good care of you. And I promised her. So don’t do things stupid, ok? Promise?”

Seungyoun closed his eyes and nodded. Yes, last time when his mom came for his bachelor's graduation, she saw Hangyul and really liked him. So before she left, she held Hangyul’s hands and said, “My son is quiet and doesn’t like to make friends, please take care of him.” Seungyoun felt so embarrassed back then, but Hangyul seemed so honored and happy to “take the task.” In fact, Hangyul was good at taking care of him and was very attentive to his needs. These were all his advantages and explained why he had many friends. 

“Well, thanks Gyul.” After a while, Seungyoun said.   
“When you don’t feel well, just tell me, ok? Don’t lock yourself alone and die alone.” Hangyul still sounded worried, “I know you’ve been to the hospital recently. I saw you going that way the other day.”  
Seungyoun was surprised that Hangyul would notice this, but he was just going to the regular meeting with the counselor, and he didn’t want to explain more so he just smiled and said, “I’m fine, you can go and take care of your little boyfriend at home.”   
“Well you don’t have to remind me of that, I am taking good care of him, too.” Hearing his “little boyfriend,” Hangyul immediately became vain again.   
And maybe because of the medicine, Seungyoun felt sleepy again, so he turned aside and said, “I’m going to sleep. Thanks for coming bro.”

That night, he slept well. Maybe because Hangyul’s visit did comfort him a little bit. 

The next day, Seungyoun went to his photojournalism class and was noticed that they were visiting the undergraduate’s painting studios today. Every semester, the undergraduate students would have a group exhibition, and Seungyoun’s class was in charge of reporting about the event this year. 

The undergraduate painting studios occupied two floors of the highest building of the school. Once one got out of the elevator, he/she would see the huge space was divided into smaller cells to ensure each student’s privacy. Usually, students would have a curtain at the entrance of their cell, if it was lifted, then it was free for the visitors to enter and take photos.   
Seungyoun liked this kind of studio visit because no one had to talk. He could just get the cue and enter wherever he wanted and take photos. 

He started from the senior students’ studios, and then juniors’, sophomores’, and finally, the freshmen’s. At first, he didn’t expect anything in the freshman zone because, what would you expect from “kids”? But as he walked along the narrow hallway, he suddenly realized that Wooseok would be somewhere on this floor, too. Now he was no longer bored, instead, he tried to look into each cell that had an open curtain. But the entire floor was like a maze, he kept searching but couldn’t find any open room with Wooseok’s name outside.  
Well, maybe he was in one of the closed studios and didn’t want to be visited. Seungyoun thought to himself as this was the only possibility. Disappointed, he took a final look at the floor and walked toward the elevator. 

“Hyung?”   
As he was waiting for the elevator, the curtain behind him opened, followed by the familiar voice. And when he turned around, it was Wooseok’s lovely doe eyes, peeking at him from behind the curtain, ah, super cute.   
“Hyung, why are you here?” Wooseok asked him with a visible delight on his face.  
“Oh, it’s for my class assignment. I was supposed to record what is happening with the year-end exhibit.” Seungyoun answered coolly but not gonna lie, he felt so happy and excited to see Wooseok here.   
“I see. I’ve heard about the studio visit but I didn’t know you would come. Come in!” Wooseok pulled the curtain aside to invite Seungyoun in, and then drop it down. 

“You don’t mind?” Seungyoun asked carefully since Wooseok didn’t open his small cell just now, which meant that he might not want others to visit.  
“Mind what?”  
“Me visiting.”  
“Why would I? You are always welcome here.” Wooseok answered while pulling a chair for Seungyoun to sit on. 

Wooseok’s studio cell was about 9 square meters. There were several big canvases facing the wall, and the ones on the outmost were the same abstract and minimalist style as Seungyoun saw before, at the airport, to be exact.   
Moreover, there were smaller paintings lying around the room, too. It was quite rare for a freshman to have so many paintings already. Seungyoun looked at every one of them and felt impressed. 

“Are they really bad?” Wooseok suddenly asked. It turned out that he was being quiet and nervous when Seungyoun was scanning his paintings.   
“No way! They are good. And I think you have your own style already, that’s really cool.” Seungyoun answered. Although he was not a big fan of minimalism, he thought Wooseok had a really good grasp of it and he had his own ideas to stick to.   
“But the teacher said it was not good to have a fixed style now, since we are only in our first year,” Wooseok pouted.   
“Hmm…” it made Seungyoun think, too. Well, the teacher did have a point, Seungyoun thought. But since there was no answer to this, he decided to change the topic. So he pointed at the easel in the center of the small room and said, “may I look at the one you are currently working on?”  
“Sure.”

Seungyoun walked toward it, and then, he saw something unexpected. 

Instead of being an oil painting as expected, it was probably more like a “sculpture” or “installation”? Seungyoun wondered. It had layers and layers of different materials, showing a chaotic surface with too much information. The canvas at the base was all painted black, above it, there were metal boards, twisted iron pieces, nylon wires, wooden sticks… all kinds of random materials. The intertwinement of “space,” “line,” and “points” all happened on the small surface, making the viewer confused and even feel dizzy. Seungyoun stepped back a bit and looked at work as a whole, now it seemed like the whole canvas had become a blossoming, if not exploding, “monster flower.” It was so powerful, yet scary and depressing. 

If the first time when Seungyoun saw Wooseok’s painting, he was impressed, then this time he was shocked, and even scared. There was something foreign and repressive in this new work that forcefully attracted him, drew him in, and what was more, he knew he was willing to fall in. 

It took Seungyoun a long time to digest the information in this work and then he turned to look at Wooseok. However, Wooseok was also looking at his unfinished work on the easel. His eyes were fluttering like the wings of the butterfly. He looked so pure and innocent, but he was gazing at a monster created by himself. And in no time, he grabbed a long and sharp nail from the table beside him. He pointed it at the work, walked toward it, and then, as if holding a stabbing knife, he pushed the hard nail into the heart of the canvas. He slowly went deeper with it, twisted it, until the whole easel was shaking and the “monster flower” was destroyed by the sudden intrusion. 

After this action, Wooseok smirked. He stepped back and took a better look at his work, and then said, “Thank you, hyung, you gave me the inspiration to finish this work.”

Seungyoun was stunned and couldn’t say a word. What he just witnessed, the process of “artmaking,” was too cruel and powerful that it gave him all kinds of indescribable feeling. Wooseok’s expression was desperate, helpless, but also with hatred and despair. It reminded him of the younger Wooseok in the black and white photos taken by “chestnut.” There was something similar in Wooseok’s eyes back then in the photos and right now in front of him. Just now, something inside Wooseok seemed to be taken his soul, pulling something out from him and entwining it with the work on the easel, making it like the entangled vines on an old wall, hiding certain stories and truths that the viewer might be dying to know.   
But he would never know, right? Seungyoun thought to himself. They were stories between Wooseok and another guy. They must be very, very beautiful, but they would never be his…

For some reason, Seungyoun suddenly lost his mind. He walked out of the small studio without saying anything to Wooseok. He walked down the stairs instead of taking the elevator even though he was on the 12th floor. He had to be alone, he had to think. And honestly, his brain would not stop imagining what was behind Wooseok’s sharp and expressive eyes.   
Something was similar, but what? 

Meanwhile, Wooseok, who watched Seungyoun left him alone right there without saying a word, was stunned, too.   
This felt familiar. This was something he had seen many times before.   
The way Seungyoun suddenly lost all the brightness in his eyes, the way he just left without saying a word, all reminded him of his ex, chestnut.   
Wooseok was his muse, and whenever chestnut had new inspiration and ideas, he would, for a moment, lost his soul. He would suddenly retreat from everything; he would leave him. There was no excitement, only sadness, despair, helplessness in his eyes. And then when he came back, he would look at Wooseok as if Wooseok was a lifesaver, as if Wooseok was all he needed and wanted, as if he would die for him.   
Wooseok used to be fully obsessed with Chestnut’s gaze. It was so intense and fervent as if it wanted to overtake Wooseok in any minute. Wooseok was happy that he was this needed by another person, by his “chestnut.” But he was also scared. What if one day he would not inspire Chestnut like this? What if Chestnut grow tired of him and would never show that desperate eyes when looking at him? Then he’d rather die. 

And yet, Wooseok had lived through the past year without Chestnut already. 

Wooseok looked at his newly finished work on the easel. That monster flower was probably himself. Layers after layers of chaotic content, constantly creating, constantly killing, giving him structure, giving him sunshine and flowers, yet nothing stayed. And then Seungyoun came into his life like a sharp knife, like the cold snail that he just injected into the rusty flower.   
And what’s next?

Wooseok collected all his thoughts, and the next thing he did was took off his painting apron and ran toward the elevator. He didn’t know why but he wanted to catch up with Seungyoun. He didn’t know what he wanted to say to him but he just wanted to see him.   
However, when he reached the lobby, Seungyoun was not there.   
Wooseok looked around in a hurry. Suddenly, some kind of impulse told him to run toward the “secret garden” behind the library. 

And when he saw Seungyoun again, the latter was squatting in the corner of that garden, coughing and vomiting.  
“Hyung! Seungyoun hyung! Are you ok???” Wooseok was scared. He immediately ran to him and patting his back.   
Seungyoun used one hand to try to push him away. He was still coughing and couldn’t really say a word.   
“Hyung, you don’t look well. You are so pale. Are you sick?”   
Seungyoun finally finished coughing and Wooseok quickly passed a piece of tissue to him. As Seungyoun was trying to wipe his face, Wooseok’s forehead was already pushing against on his own.   
Ah, it felt so cool. Seungyoun thought.   
But then he heard Wooseok yelling, “Hyung! You are having a fever! It’s so hot! You are not ok! I’m sending you home!”

Ok, that’s why. That's why just now when Seungyoun was running down the stairs, he felt his whole body was burning. Apparently, he wasn’t completely recovered from the weekend. Maybe he should have stayed home instead of coming to school today. 

Wooseok quickly called Uber and carried Seungyoun upon his shoulder. Wooseok was so tiny and fragile in Seungyoun’s impression but why this time he felt so strong and reliable? Seungyoun couldn’t think more as he was really dizzy and confused at the moment. 

The next thing he knew, Wooseok asked him for his apartment’s pin number, after a few beeps, the door opened, and Wooseok held his arm and walked him into the living room.   
Once hitting the sofa, the familiar smell made Seungyoun feel better. And then he saw Wooseok was opening his fridge and found a bottle of water for him. He rubbed his hair and eyes intensely to gain more consciousness, and then he decided to stand up.  
“Hyung, you need to rest,” Wooseok tried to stop him.   
“I just want to use the bathroom,” Seungyoun smiled weakly. 

Seungyoun brushed his teeth, washed his face, and changed into a plain white T-shirt. All these made him feel fresh and more conscious. When he walked out of the bathroom, he saw Wooseok was sitting on the sofa looking this way worriedly, like a cat waiting for his owner to come out of the shower because it thought the owner was drowning or something.   
Seungyoun busted out laughing. It’s just too cute. 

He went back and sat next to Wooseok, “Thank you, Wooseokie, no wonder Hangyul is flexing about you all the time, saying that you are good at taking care of…”  
And Seungyoun hadn’t even finished the sentence, Wooseok suddenly held both of his shoulders and placed his forehead on Seungyoun’s again. This time, Seungyoun was fully aware, fully sober, and, he fully forgot how to breathe. 

And the next moment, a pair of soft lips laid on his own. 

How to describe this feeling? Like two leaves caressing each other in spring, like a small kitten carefully nibbling a bowl of milk, like… like a long-awaited kiss that was too good to be true…? Wait, it WAS a kiss.

Seungyoun finally remembered to breathe because he was almost suffocated. And then, without any uncomfortable feeling, he opened his mouth a little more. The moment he inhaled some air, Wooseok’s tongue quickly entered him. It traversed inside his mouth, freely, softly, carefully. Seungyoun felt weak again, and he slowly laid back down.

The sudden fall made Wooseok pause, he slowly pulled away and looked at Seungyoun from above. This was an angle of Wooseok that Seungyoun had never seen, his hair fell down, his face had the warm and peachy glow. Both of them were breathing heavily, yet Wooseok’s expression was kind of undiscernible for Seungyoun. It felt quite distant, quite far away.  
However, maybe he was still sick, he felt so hot, so humid, so needy, so he slowly raised up one hand and grabbed Wooseok’s collar, pulling him down for more…


	9. Chapter 9

Wooseok gladly complied. He pressed his hands on Seungyoun’s and gave him more kisses on the lips. He had the confidence that he’ll make his hyung very comfortable.

Seungyoun’s tongue also complied, twirling with Wooseok’s lead. The kiss felt warm and dreamy, it made him feel lost, too.

But Wooseok suddenly stopped. He felt Seungyoun’s shaky hands, no, actually his whole being was shaking. Wooseok felt like he was taking advantage of him as he was really sick at the moment, so he stopped, pulling away, and looked down at Seungyoun, whose dreamy eyes clearly said that he wanted more.

“Hyung, no, don’t. You are sick and losing your mind. I’ll get the medicine for you. Do you have meds at home?” Wooseok tried his best to ignore Seungyoun’s intense but weak gaze, he stayed calm and serious, and then he ran away after Seungyoun pointed at the closet in the kitchen and said, “over there, in a first aid box.”

Seungyoun regained his consciousness after the weight above him was gone. But then, the warmth around him and the feeling inside his mouth was so real that he couldn’t just say it was all his illusion. But why? What did I just do?

His eyes followed Wooseok’s small body around the kitchen as the latter was searching for meds in the box and then boiled some water. But he couldn’t see the fact that Wooseok was extremely nervous and unstable right now. Wooseok also couldn’t quite fathom what just happened between them, it was nice, but, maybe they were not there yet.

However, when Wooseok got back to the living room, he found that Seungyoun’s gaze was still locked on him, it was intense as if he was waiting for some answer or explanation.

“Er… h, hyung, here, take the pills,” Wooseok got closer and opened his palm to show Seungyoun the colorful capsules, and then Seungyoun took the cup with warm water from Wooseok. When their fingers touched during this small exchange, he knew Wooseok almost dropped the cup.

The air was so awkward now that they were both sober and both could easily recall what happened just now was not a dream. Seungyoun swallowed the pills and drank a lot of water to avoid talking, but then he heard Wooseok saying, “I’m sorry.”

Seungyoun stopped.

“I’m sorry, hyung, please don’t hate me.” Wooseok continued and his voice cracked like he was going to cry. Seungyoun’s heart softened, why was he so cute, like a wronged kitten who knew he didn’t something he was not supposed to do and then was afraid about the consequence of apologizing.

“I promise I’ll never kiss you when you are unconscious…” Wooseok said.

 _What?_ And Seungyoun busted out laughing.

Wooseok’s words sounded so weird and funny, which made him even cuter. Yea, maybe it was no big deal, they just kissed because they were both out of their mind, and now it was over. It was just for fun. Seungyoun told himself.

So then he looked into Wooseok’s nervous eyes, “I will never hate you. Why would I hate you?”

Wooseok let out a sigh of relief.

Seungyoun was also relieved. He drank up all the water and put it on the table near the sofa. “Do you want to take some medicine too? I’m worried if I would pass my cold to you.” Seungyoun said, but he immediately regretted it because the word “pass” triggered his memory of the kiss. Apparently, Wooseok was also a bit stunned when hearing this.

But Wooseok quickly changed the topic, “I, I’ll go back to work on my paintings, hyung. Please take some rest.”

“You sure you don’t want to stay longer?” Seungyoun was probably still out of his mind as he didn’t even know why he said this. So he added, awkwardly, “You can play video games here, haha.”

“Emm, no, I don’t want to disturb you. But… I can stay here longer to watch you sleep.”

“I’m not a sleeping beauty, why do you want to watch me sleep?” Seungyoun was too used to saying self-deprecating things but this time, he found that Wooseok wasn’t laughing at his bad jokes. Instead, he looked so serious, as if he wanted something from him.

“Errr… fine, I guess? I’ll sleep real fast and then you can do whatever you need to do, ok?” Seungyoun said.

And then Wooseok seemed satisfied.

Seungyoun got up from the sofa and went into his bedroom, Wooseok really followed him without saying a word and then sat on a chair near the window and watched him getting himself into the big comforter.

Well, this was awkward. Seungyoun adjusted his body to the most comfortable position but because Wooseok was watching, he felt like an idiot somehow.

“Hyung, I’ll just read a book here. Am I bugging you?”

“Ah, sure, of course not, make yourself at home.” Seungyoun said immediately but oh god, it was not “bugging” but more like… emotionally torturing?

Seungyoun has a sleep problem so it was difficult for him to fall asleep quickly, not to mention that Wooseok was next to him. however, it was also he who didn’t want Wooseok to go just now. _What the hell was I thinking?_

So he could only close his eyes and pretend to sleep. But the moment his eyes were shut, the scene of their kiss came back to him. The view of Wooseok crawling on his body and leaning down to kiss him… damn, it was so real and, he actually liked it, a lot.

But then another scene came to his mind. It was before that, when he was still in Wooseok’s studio, he saw Wooseok was literally “killing” his own artwork. That moment seemed painful and helpless for Wooseok, and Seungyoun was just a passerby, who knew nothing about the story behind, and that, made him frustrated for some unknown reason.

Seungyoun shut his eyes real tight but he saw something, a shadow, running in front of him, and then jumped off of a cliff, disappearing in a field of brightness. 

“Wait for me, wait for me…” Seungyoun could hear himself begging, but then, the world just became too bright that he couldn’t see, couldn’t reach.

_All the beautiful things are unreachable. They can’t belong to me. I don’t deserve them._

Wooseok put down the book when he heard light snoring from the bed. He approached Seungyoun and looked at him carefully.

Seungyoun’s face was still red from the fever, and he was frowning, maybe he was having a not-so-pleasant dream?

Wooseok silently walked out of the bedroom and went into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and there were some eggs and veges. Good, he could use them to make the porridge for Seungyoun to eat when he gets up. That was the only thing he thought he’s good at cooking. He had the confidence that everyone will fall for his love-filled, special porridge, or at least, Chestnut told him so.

As the porridge was being cooked on the stove, Wooseok lost in thoughts again. He recalled Seungyoun when he was visiting his studio, and the way he walked out without saying a word all of a sudden, the lonely and undecipherable back, all made him feel familiar.

Seungyoun woke himself up because he started coughing really bad in bed. And then he heard the sound in the kitchen. Ah, it actually felt nice to have someone alive in the kitchen when you woke up… or maybe it was because he was feeling so sick and vulnerable, so it was nice to have someone close?

And Wooseok also heard the coughs so he hurriedly came back to the bedroom, “Hyung, I made some porridge, do you want to eat now?”

Ah, this felt new. Seungyoun had been aboard by himself for almost six years and there was never someone cooking for him when he was sick. Just when he was mesmerized in this new experience, Wooseok’s forehead suddenly touched his own again.

“Ok, your temperature is not that hot now. I think you should eat. This porridge is my famous dish!” Wooseok then quickly left and went back to the kitchen, leaving Seungyoun alone in the room with a crazily beating heart.

Wooseok came back with a big bowl of porridge. He put it on the small table beside the bed and asked jokingly, “Do you want me to feed you?”

“No, no, no, I’ll eat it myself.” Seungyoun almost freaked out. He really didn’t understand Wooseok. One time he was like a wronged kitten but another time he can be so reckless and teasing, making you on a defenseless side.

The porridge was indeed very good. Seungyoun devoured it in less than a minute. He then laughed at himself, “See, I think I’m fine now, I’m recovered, I can eat a lot. I can even wash the dishes now.”

“No, don’t. You need to rest,” Wooseok stopped him from getting out of the bed, “Also, I left some porridge in the fridge so you can have it at night.”

Wooseok’s seriousness made Seungyoun feel kind of guilty, he then said, “Ah, have you eaten anything? Don’t just cook for me, did you eat? Also I have many snacks here, do you want…”

“Yes, I saw the tomato flavored Lay’s on the counter,” Wooseok interrupted him naughtily.

“Yea, take that if you like.”

“Ok!” Wooseok happily left the bedside. It was funny how he suddenly became a kid when talking about snacks. And then Seungyoun saw him coming back with that family-sized potato chips with a satisfactory smile on his glowing face. So cute.

“Do you have plans this afternoon? You can go if you want. I’m fine here.” Seungyoun said.

“Hyung, do you really want me to go?” Wooseok opened the chips and started eating.

“No, that’s not what I meant, I mean, I…” Seungyoun was flustered.

“Haha, I was kidding. But it’s going to rain soon so I don’t want to go now.” Wooseok said while holding a chip in front of Seungyoun, cueing him to eat it.

Seungyoun hesitantly took it by mouth. And then, he heard the thunder outside.

Wooseok then walked to the window and opened the curtain, “See, it’s really dark now, looking like a storm is on the way. So, hyung, can I stay a little longer?”

“Oh, sure. Do you want to lay down and rest for a bit?”

“What? Really?” Wooseok seemed so excited.

Seungyoun really didn’t mean much when he said it. He asked if Wooseok wanted to come to bed because he had this huge bed and since Wooseok felt like a little brother, the “problem” of letting him come up didn’t even slip through his head.

But wait, they just kissed before he fell asleep, right?!

Darn it. Seungyoun blushed and hated himself for being so… thoughtless.

“Don’t worry, hyung. I said I would never kiss you when you are sick.” As if knowing what he was thinking, Wooseok “comforted” him. And the next thing Seungyoun knew, the “little brother” was already sitting on his bed with that big bag of chips.

“Heehee…” Wooseok then found a comfortable position, “Hyung, can I eat chips on your bed?”

Seungyoun had no words because Wooseok just kept surprising him with his unpredictable personality. He nodded, “Do whatever you like, Seokie… And there are tissues, don’t mop your hand on my bed, that’s all.” Seungyoun smiled.

“So are you going to sleep again, hyung?” Wooseok asked with his big doe eyes blinking.

“No, I’m not sleepy.” Why the hell did he feel like he’s taking care of a five-year-old now? “I want some.” Seungyoun then raised his hand to ask for a piece of a potato chip.

“Nope, you are coughing so you can’t eat this.”

“But you just gave me one--”

“That’s all for today.” Wooseok smiled mischievously and as he finished the last chip in his hand, he put the bag away and jumped out of the bed, “I’m going to wash my hand, hyung, I won’t make your sheets dirty.”

Seungyoun shook his head while smiling. He didn’t understand Wooseok yet, but whatever, it was kind of fun to spend time with him…

And then, Wooseok quickly ran back and put his wet and cold hand on Seungyoun’s forehead.

“Sssssss…” Seungyoun took a deep breath because of the coldness, and then he saw Wooseok laughing, “Hahaha, it’s comfy, right? Your head was burning so I thought you needed this.”

“Ok, kid, enough. Do you want to sleep now or what?” Seungyoun pushed him away and for a second, he really thought maybe Wooseok learned this craziness from Hangyul, and he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to let him learn more. However, as Wooseok quickly climbed into the bed again and laid down beside him, he lost all his thoughts again.

It started raining heavily, and the thunders were so loud. It felt like they were in the rainforest or something. It was a weird kind of weather at the end of fall, but whatever, everything was getting weird around Seungyoun right now.

But Wooseok actually became quiet once he hit the bed. He started checking on his phone and seemed really invested in it. Seungyoun turned his face and looked at him several times but Wooseok seemed like he didn’t notice him at all. 

Why? What is he looking at? For some reason, Seungyoun suddenly felt a little strange, a little angry? He couldn’t believe that he actually wanted Wooseok’s attention right now. Just like this, he poked Wooseok’s face and said, “I’ll go back to sleep then.”

Yea, he’ll sleep for now, and leaving all these confusing things currently happening in his life behind.

The weather was perfect for sleep, so even though it was always hard for Seungyoun to fall asleep, he actually slept again and even had a few dreams.

And the reason he woke up again was that he heard a phone’s vibration beside him. It was Wooseok’s phone. He didn’t know when did Wooseok fall asleep, but right now, Wooseok seemed in deep sleep mode and didn’t hear the phone call.

Seungyoun tried to see who was calling and the moment he found out, he almost had a heart attack: it was Hangyul.

Wait, but why should he feel nervous? He didn’t do anything with Wooseok… Wooseok was just visiting… taking care of him because he’s sick… right? Besides… besides he kissed...

The call ended while Seungyoun was still panicking. But soon, a message came in and Seungyoun could see it on the screen. Hangyul asked, “Where are you babe?”

Maybe it’s time to stop this panic. Seungyoun thought and poked on Wooseok’s back, “Wooseok, wake up.”

“Emmm…” Wooseok answered lazily, apparently still in sleep mode, but as he turned around, Seungyoun clearly heard him murmuring, “Chestnut, chestnut… stop, let me sleep a bit more…” And then, he reached out his one arm to surround Seungyoun’s neck.

The attack was getting more severe for Seungyoun’s already unstable heart. Apparently, Wooseok took him as his ex in bed.

“Wooseok, Seokie, wake up,” Seungyoun calmed himself down and carefully put Wooseok’s arm back. And then, he saw Wooseok slowly opening his eyes, like a flower bud gently blossoming.

“Ah, hyung!” Wooseok was apparently also shocked to see the situation.

“Someone called you,” Seungyoun said softly.

“Really?” Wooseok grabbed his phone in a hurry, “It’s Gyul. He was wondering where I went.”

Yes, Seungyoun knew it already.

“Why is he like my mom? Always checking my whereabouts,” Wooseok pouted while sending Hangyul a reply.

“He is like a mom,” Seungyoun giggled, “He likes to care about others’ business,” Seungyoun meant in a good way though. He had no reason to diss Gyul right now, “Also, because you are his boyfriend, he cares about you.”

“I don’t like...” Wooseok suddenly said.

“You don’t like what?”

“Nothing.” Wooseok threw his phone away and turned his back to Seungyoun, “Hyung, I really like your bed, it’s comfy.”

Just at this moment, Wooseok's phone vibrated again.

“I told you I’ll be back in an hour, I’m at Seungyoun hyung’s place,” Wooseok yelled at the phone.

Seungyoun got surprised, Wooseok was not mad but more like, impatient with Hangyul, which was totally different from when he saw them together last time. 

When Wooseok hang up the phone, Seungyoun said, “I’ll drive you home.”

But at the same time, his phone rang, it was Hangyul again.

“My wifey is with you now?”

“Ah, ehm, yea.”

“What are you guys doing?”

“It’s raining and he didn’t have an umbrella so he came here.”

“Hey bro, drive him back ok? I don’t want him to walk in the rain alone. Also, I bought Thai food today, wanna come and eat together?”

“No, I’m a little sick so I’ll pass this time, thanks though. And I'll drive him home so don't worry.”

Maybe Seungyoun was bad at lying but apparently Hangyul was dumber… Seungyoun’s apartment was not that close to the school and the way to Hangyul's apartment was even not on the same path, so why would Wooseok go this way when it was raining???

Glad Hangyul seemed to not realize this.

Wooseok began laughing when the call ended, “Hahaha, hyung, why were you lying?”

“I, I don’t know, I got nervous.”

“Why? I was here because you almost passed out in school so I took you home.”

“Agh, whatever.”

Truth was, all Seungyoun could remember when he was talking to Gyul was that he kissed Wooseok, or Wooseok kissed him and he kissed back. 

“Ok, let’s go then.” Wooseok got up, “I kinda want the Thai food now.”


	10. Chapter 10

It usually took only ten minutes to drive to Hangyul’s apartment, but since it was raining, the town had a mini traffic jam. Seungyoun and Wooseok sat in the car watching the red lights in front of them, and neither spoke a word. It seemed that neither of them found it a problem to 222just his grandma once said that he looked like one when he was young.

“Haha, really? I’m a cat.”

“What?”

“I mean, my nickname is cat. Do I look like one?”

Seungyoun quickly glanced at Wooseok next to him, and said, “Yea, I can see that.”

“I didn’t even see me in the eye!” Wooseok pouted with a cute and mischievous smile.

“Coz I’m driving,” Seungyoun grinned too.

“It’s not my face though, I guess, it’s my personality. But I don’t know, just people keep telling me that I feel like a cat.”

What’s a cat’s “personality?” Seungyoun thought. He never had a cat because he’s allergic to cat furs, but maybe, someone as unpredictable but cute like Wooseok would be considered a “cat”?

“But I’m allergic to cats haha, the irony.”

“Same!” Seungyoun raised his voice because it was nice to find someone who shared this misfortune.

Since the main street was totally jammed, Seungyoun turned at a fork for another alternative route. It was bumpy and lied in between tall corn fields on both sides. If the weather was nice, this could actually be a pleasant drive, but now it was just wet and dark. What a shame.

They were back in silence again. Since the road was really dark, Seungyoun had to lean forward on the stirring wheel and be focused, but Wooseok started to feel tense when it was this silent.

“Hyung,” Wooseok called him again.

“Hmm?”

“Gyul told me that you went to therapy. Are you… ok?”

“Wow, he told you that? I’m fine. I went to the counselor because I was bored and wanted to talk to someone, that’s it. Don’t worry.” Seungyoun explained with an uneasy laugh.

“But hyung, if you need someone… you can always come to find me. Let’s face it together, ok?” Wooseok sounded very concerned.

 _Let’s face it together…_ This felt so familiar. Seungyoun thought he heard about it before, but where? When?

Wait, it was in his dream! That strange dream when Wooseok and he were running away from a scorpion’s chase and then lying in the tall grass…

“Let’s face it together, and it will be fine…” He murmured, and then, he let out a long breath, “Ok. And you? If you have something in mind, you can tell me. Don’t smoke alone, at least find me to smoke together.” Seungyoun said teasingly to redirect the aura of this conversation. He wasn’t sure what exactly did Hangyul said to Wooseok about him.

“Emm, ok, hyung. I was just afraid that you won’t say anything and then leave… I’ll be very sad, you know,” Wooseok said in a low voice.

Seungyoun didn’t quite hear Wooseok because he had to make a sudden break as there was a deer right in front of him. He almost ran over it, god, it was so close!

“Ouch!” Wooseok was almost being thrown out of his seat, thank god he didn’t forget the seatbelt.

To be exact, it was a small fawn. It was stunned in the middle of the road and couldn’t move at all. Poor kid, why was it alone on a rainy night?

“Damn it!” Seungyoun cursed because he was still in the aftershock. The rain kept falling on the window and he only had a vague view of what’s in front. Seungyoun waited for another minute and the fawn was still frozen. He then tried to blink the headlight at it, but it was too scared to move. 

Seungyoun sighed impatiently. He scratched his head and thought maybe he had to get off the car and drive the deer away. But it was at this moment that a buck suddenly came out from the tall cornfield. Seungyoun and Wooseok were both startled because the buck’s antlers were so divine… He walked slowly toward the baby, paced around him, and then naturally, the little one followed his steps and went into the grass…

Everything happened so fast but also, so slow. It felt surreal, like a godly scene from an old movie. Seungyoun’s heart was calmed down by observing them. It was strangely soothing and healing.

“Hyung, I almost broke my neck just now,” Wooseok said.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying enough attention to the road and suddenly the deer appeared… Are you ok?”

“Yea, I’m fine. You?”

“I’m good. It was my first time encountering a deer on the road by the way.”

“I heard that seeing deer is a good sign.”

“Oh really?”

“And you see, two is always better than one.”

“So you chose Hangyul?”

Seungyoun didn’t know why he said this immediately. And they fell into silence again.

The ten-minute drive felt insanely long. Finally, they arrived at Hangyul’s place safely. However, when Seungyoun unlocked the door and waited for Wooseok to get off the car, the younger didn’t leave.

“What? You want me to unbuckle your belt?” Seungyoun joked.

Wooseok didn’t answer. Instead, he seemed very thoughtful.

“Hey? Seokie? You ok?” Seungyoun was getting a little worried.

“Hyung…”

“Hmm?”

“Chestnut was like this… He, he watched me leaving the car, going up the stairs, and then, I turned around, he left me.”

He left?

What kind of “left”? Seungyoun wondered. Wooseok sounded so sad and helpless, he sounded as if saying that “chestnut” was no longer exist on this world.

However, Wooseok didn’t let him think further because he surrounded his arms around Seungyoun’s neck, and rested his chin on Seungyoun’s shoulder.

“I will never find him, hyung. He’s already gone.”

Seungyoun couldn’t decide what to say. All he knew was that Wooseok must be very sad yet he didn’t know how to comfort him, so he decided to just lend him his shoulder for now.

The hug lasted for a while, no one said another word. And when Wooseok finally released Seungyoun, he gently cupped the older’s face, “Hyung, can you look at me more from now on?”

Seungyoun was confused. He wasn’t sure if it was a demand or a desperate cry for help. But he grabbed Wooseok’s wrists and said, “There, there.”

It was actually a quite weird scene to see two men hugging silently in the car, but it happened so naturally like nothing else. It felt like the hug was destined to happen. The narrow space, the thin air, the dark atmosphere, and the unstopping rain… everything made the hug very necessary and natural. And it was really soothing, just like when they were watching the deer disappearing into the cornfield.

“Ok, Wooseok, you should go now. Hangyul is waiting.” Seungyoun patted Wooseok’s head, “I’ll make sure to check on you more, ok?” Seungyoun sounded like he was talking to a younger brother again because Wooseok made him feel this way. He was small and vulnerable, he made Seungyoun wanted to be a big, responsible man, who could take care of his hoobae.

“You sure you don’t want to come?” Wooseok was clearly becoming more clingy than usual now, which made Seungyoun more concerned. It was definitely because he mentioned “chestnut,” and now he made himself lost and sad.

“Emm, ok, I’ll just walk you up and say hi to Gyul.” Seungyoun sighed.

The two thus walked up to the second floor of the apartment building. Seungyoun almost wanted to hug Wooseok’s shoulder when walking beside him because he looked so fragile. But he stopped halfway, putting his arm down before being caught.

“Wifey!!! You’re back!!!” Hangyul heard the steps and opened the door excitedly. He hugged Wooseok without even looking at Seungyoun.

“I told you to never call me ‘wifey,’ I don’t like it!” Wooseok complained.

“Ok, ok, oh shit I need to get back to the kitchen, something’s burning!”

“Hey Gyul!” Seungyoun decided to make himself visible to his “best friend.”

“Ah, Youn, you’re here too?! Come on in then, let’s have Thai food together.” Hangyul seemed really worried as he wanted to check on the stove.

“You crazy. I just came to say hi, I’m leaving, bye.”

“Ahhhh, really? Thanks for sending Wooseok back bro, I gotta go sorry!!!”

Seungyoun did a facepalm as it was not the first time he saw Hangyul being like this, he’s a mess, in almost every way.

And then it was Wooseok and Seungyoun standing by the door again. They looked into each other’s eyes as if they wanted to say something, but nothing felt necessary.

“You really wanna go now?” Wooseok finally opened up his mouth.

“Yea, there will always be next time.” Seungyoun smiled and turned around. However, he immediately felt that his index finger was being seized by Wooseok.

“What now?” He said softly without turning.

But Wooseok just slowly released the finger, “Don’t forget I left some porridge in your fridge. Eat it tonight, ok?”

“Ok.”

***

Although Seungyoun didn’t think he was gay, he never thought he’s _that_ straight either. If he had to choose to label himself for whatever reason, he might say he’s “fluid.” Or maybe, he’s asexual? At least he’s not interested in dating anyone at this point in life.

But having some skinship with Wooseok seemed fine so far. Seungyoun actually liked how clingy Wooseok was, he was cute. There was nothing sexual involved, or so as he believed.

Except for that kiss on his sofa.

Seungyoun was pretty sure that his heart worked slower than his brain, because as he recalled the kiss in his head again, it took his heart about five more seconds to start malfunctioning again.

Damn.

He pressed the gas real hard and rushed into the dark. The rain was not so heavy now, giving him more visible space to drive and think about things. But what could he think? Now all he could think was that goddamn kiss! Not just that, he could even feel it in his mouth again. The soft and hot breath, the gentle twists and swirls of tongues, and the moans, the weight of someone else on his body… Worse, he even remembered how he was craving for more, he remembered that he grabbed Wooseok’s collar and pulling him down for more…

_Don’t leave me. Or, I’ll come to you._

Seungyoun started coughing really hard. There was a weird drive rising inside him. But no, he can’t search for it. He told himself that he can’t.

_Wooseok still loves “chestnut.” And now he’s Hangyul’s boyfriend. There is no place for me. Stop thinking, Seungyoun, stop! You wanted more kisses because it was just the right atmosphere, nothing more. It was just a natural physical reaction, nothing more._

Seungyoun had no idea how he got himself home safely since he was totally out of his mind on the road. He woke up his laptop on the kitchen counter and there was a meme on his opened facebook page: “Do you ever zone out while driving and wonder how the hell you got to your destination without dying?”

So true. 

He grabbed a bottle of water, drank half of it, and laid his eyes on the sofa in the living room… Nope, don’t think about the kiss again, don’t.

And then he walked into his bedroom, oh fuck, seeing the messy bed and comforters lying around reminded him of the fact that they were literally in bed together just now.

He rubbed his hair and fled to the kitchen, wanting to put the water bottle back into the fridge. But oh shit, he saw the porridge inside.

Wooseok was everywhere. Literally. Everywhere.


	11. Chapter 11

In late fall, Seungyoun always saw Wooseok smoking in that abandoned garden behind the library. It seemed that Wooseok never noticed that he was being watched by Seungyoun from above though.  
“Haaa…” Seungyoun sighed.  
Can I look at you more from now on, huh? But I’ve been watching you since the first day we met.

The daytime in the northern hemisphere was getting shorter and shorter, the leaves of the sycamore trees were starting to turn yellow. After that day, Wooseok did not take the initiative to contact Seungyoun again. They did meet several times but all with Hangyul present. 

Seungyoun of course realized that Wooseok was keeping some distance from him, but this was exactly what he wanted. In the first few days he was a little confused and frustrated, but then he woke up one day and thought this was supposed to be the right way. Yes he might be too attracted to Wooseok for a short while but it was probably the change of season that made him emotionally unstable. Moreover, seeing Hangyul and Wooseok getting along well made Seungyoun feel relieved. He was relieved that he didn’t draw into Wooseok after that day, otherwise, it would be big trouble. 

Every week, Seungyoun and Hangyul had the same class together every week. And they were the only two Korean in that class. Hangyul liked to doodle on Seungyoun’s notebook during class because he never really listened and didn’t even bring a notebook. One day, he drew two stick people on Seungyoun’s note, one labeled “Gyulie” and another “Seokie.” Then he drew a heart surround them. “Childish,” Seungyoun commented, and then scratched the figures with his pen. Hangyul wasn’t offended or anything, he yawned and muttered, “this class is so boring.”  
And of course, they would leave the classroom together and talk about things before going on separate ways to home. Hangyul would mention Wooseok excessively, but the content was quite annoying. He would always just say, “My Seokie is so pretty.” “I love him so much.” “I miss him already”… stuff like that.  
At one point Seungyoun finally got tired and complained, “You know the saying, ‘show love would make it die fast,’ right?”  
“But I have no one else to share!”  
“Oh really? I thought you have many friends.”  
“But you are my best friend!” Hangyul put his arm on Seungyoun’s shoulder and leaned very close to his ear, “And I love you the most!”  
“Oh just give me a break,” Seungyoun pretended to be mad and pushed him away.  
But the two ended up giggling and got back together again. 

They were walking side-by-side, as if back to 18 years old when they just came to the United States. Two rash boys, looking for classrooms everywhere every day. When they first met, a large group of international students was sitting in an auditorium, and the two of them were separated by two other people.. Later, Hangyul said he suspected that Seungyoun might be Japanese or Chinese so he didn’t come to talk first. It was later when the host wanted students from each country to stand up separately, he knew Seungyoun was also from Korea.

"But you're not my type at all, so don't worry."  
The first time the two went out to dinner, Hangyul confessed to Seungyoun about his sexual orientation, adding the above sentence like a self-deprecating joke.  
"How come you didn't express surprise or disgust at all?" Hangyul asked after seeing no particular reaction from Seungyoun.  
"What's wrong with being gay? I understand." Seungyoun took a sip of ice water.  
Hangyul’s eyes glowed, not knowing whether it was because of what Seungyoun had just said or because of the juicy steaks in front of him.

The memory was still clear, even though it was from five years ago. 

Back to the present time:  
"Hey crazy," Seungyoun called Gyul.  
"What?"  
"Can I ask you something about your boyfriend?"  
"What?"  
"Wooseok… did he have a boyfriend before?"  
"Of course he had,” Hangyul answered fact-of-factly.  
"Oh, I thought so."

Seungyoun didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to ask this question. However, in this autumn evening, he looked at the last layer of golden light sweeping across the roadside grass and felt as if the time had come, so he asked a question that he had perhaps wanted to know for a long time.

"Why you asking?" Hangyul questioned with a hint of uncertainty, probably because he was accustomed to being ignored by Seungyoun when he talked about his boyfriend, so when Seungyoun suddenly asked something about Wooseok, it felt weird and maybe something went wrong.  
"......" Seungyoun did not make a sound, because he did not know how to explain.  
Good thing that Hangyul would never make a situation awkward. So when Seungyoun was still organizing his words, Hangyul immediately spoke: "Alas, to tell you the truth, his previous boyfriend was a jerk. Fortunately, Wooseok is now with me.”  
A jerk? Seungyoun was stumped, "How come?"  
Seungyoun’s sudden interest didn’t surprise Hangyul as the latter seemed even more excited to share, "You should have asked me earlier! I’ve been wanting to tell you about his ex but you always seemed uninterested in our relationship so…”  
“Whatever, go ahead, I want to know now.”  
“Ok,” Hangyul took a deep breath as if he needed some mental preparation. And then he blurted out, “His ex is a few years older than him, used to be a photo major in Seoul Art University. He was dating Wooseok when Wooseok was just an adolescent! An adolescent! He told Wooseok that he needed someone to do modeling for him, and then made Wooseok stay with him ever since. Wooseok was in such a serious relationship with him that he even moved out from his parents’ house just to live with him. He studied hard to get into the same university as him. But guess what? Turned out this jerk was dating a woman in the university at the same time. And after finding out that Wooseok would also go to the same university, he left Korea and came to the US. Moreover, he actually came to our university!”

“What?” Seungyoun was quite shocked, “Who is he? Do we know him?”

“No, he just came for the master’s program and we were still undergrads in another campus. Ah, I also know that his portfolio had so many photos of Wooseok!”  
“Have you seen those?”  
“Nope, I’m not interested in his ex.”  
“You definitely sounded interested.”  
“Cho Seungyoun! Shut up! I just heard about all this from other people in my gay group chat. I didn’t confirm with Wooseok because it might bring up his bad memories. I think he didn’t know that I know all this.”  
Seungyoun shrugged, it was all rumor then, but didn’t sound too fake either. 

“Where is he now? Do you know?” Seungyoun kept asking.  
“Told ya he’s a jerk, he didn’t even finish school here. I heard that he found a woman with a US citizenship and got married to her so he could also become a citizen, and then they moved away somewhere, whatever.”  
“Wow… that’s… indeed… jerk behavior,” Seungyoun said.  
“So yea, I will treat Wooseok nicely with all my heart. I will make him forget all the bad memories and enjoy his best time with me, hehe.” Hangyul sounded helplessly in love again. This time, Seungyoun didn’t get disgusted. Hangyul seemed very determined and serious that Seungyoun had no doubt that Hangyul must be a good boyfriend to Wooseok. But then, he remembered something he wanted to ask earlier: “Hey, don’t tell me that jerk’s name is ‘chestnut’ or something?”  
Suddenly, Hangyul stopped walking and looked at Seungyoun as if he’s an alien, “Bro, how do you know????”  
“Hmm, I don’t know… I think Wooseok mentioned someone named ‘chestnut’ once…”  
“Yea that’s his artist name, but his real name is Han Seungwoo, I believe.”  
“Oh… ok…” Seungyoun heard this unfamiliar name--chestnut’s real name, but all of a sudden, he froze because he realized that it didn’t mean anything to him. 

“What? Why are you suddenly so interested in him and Wooseok? Did you know something? What happened?” Hangyul insisted on asking.  
“Nothing, just want to be gossipy for once. Anyway, I’m glad Wooseok has you now. He’s very lucky.”  
“I know, right!” Hangyul would always be carried away if you just praise him. But he also seemed a little emotional this time, “You know, I do care about his past. How can I not be curious about his ex? But then I knew he was a jerk, I thought I shouldn’t spend time comparing, I should just make Wooseok happy.”  
“You are absolutely right, bro.” 

Then, the two reached the fork in the road, Seungyoun said bye first and walked in the direction of his house without looking back. Hangyul walked a few steps towards the other side, but suddenly turned back and shouted: "Seungyoun, you also need to care more about yourself, ok? Don't overthink about stuff."  
Wow, that was cringe. Seungyoun shook his head and smiled, plugging in his AirPods to listen to some music.  
A loud rock song flowing out immediately, he adjusted the volume and started walking. 

However, the more he walked, the less he could pay attention to the music, because Wooseok’s previous words came crashing through his head like a bell:  
“I will never find him. He’s already gone.”

So where is chestnut, where is this jerk Han Seungwoo, really?


	12. Chapter 12

After all, Seungyoun would never directly ask Wooseok “what do you mean by he’s gone,” as a result, he had been in huge confusion about whether Chestnut really dead or just abandoned Wooseok. But now, after hearing the story from Hangyul, he thought maybe Wooseok meant that Chestnut already “died” in his heart. 

The midterm exam week was coming up soon, and one day Seungyoun took a dozen materials he had been collected to his professor’s office to report progress. The last time he told his German professor about his plan to document the progress of this factory-turned-art museum in town, that would be his graduation project. “The museum had received a government grant early last year and was still having meetings to discuss where to find a designer to improve the design. Some suggested looking for a local alumnus of the art school, which would have a hometown feel and appeal, but others suggested looking for a Scandinavian or Japanese architect because the minimalist design was popular and would complement the overall architectural style of the city…” Seungyoun reported to the professor dully as he didn’t find much interest while doing the fieldwork recently.

Professor R nodded when Seungyoun was speaking, and then shook his head afterward and said, "What else did you find? What do you want to shoot next?”

"I wanted to shoot their meeting progress or something, but they are not in a good status right now. The staff there were bored and uninterested in the project."

"Hmm."

The professor did not speak, which made Seungyoun a little nervous.

“Seungyoun," the professor worded his name, “I’m disappointed in you this time."

Seungyoun felt himself blush, these were the words that he was most scared to hear. Since childhood he had heard it too much, he thought he had been immune to it but in front of this professor, he felt ashamed and hated himself again. He had huge respect for this professor who had noticed him as an undergraduate, remembered him, and always expressed his appreciation for him. Seungyoun still remembered that the professor saw his photos after a studio visit, and then invited him to enroll in his architectural photography class, and later wrote a letter of recommendation for him to continue his master's degree. So it really hurt him tremendously when the professor said he was disappointed.

"You are coming from the photography major before, so I know it must be hard for you to do photojournalism," the professor sighed, still not facing him, "So I don’t have too much expectation on you, I just want you to tell an intriguing story with your photos and some texts. I want you to forgive yourself, don’t always feel pressured to want to compare with others. You are special, you should trust yourself."

Seungyoun looked at professor R dumbfounded, thinking, _do I compare myself with others that much?_

"I thought photojournalism is about… being practical......" Seungyoun said timidly.

Professor R turned back, took off his glasses, and looked at his favorite student, “You are lacking confidence, boy. And it shows through your work now because your project right now has no life, nothing special to you, no ‘Seungyoun vibe’ in it. And I don’t want to see that. You always think it was your fault, that you are now good enough, that you don’t deserve anything, anyone, right?” The professor knew him so well, better than Seungyoun knew himself.

"This project feels like a boring report. Go back and rethink about it."

Seungyoun walked out of the building still staggered. The sun shone brightly that his eyes could not open. Standing on the road with fluorescent ginkgo trees, he lost in thought. It was such a good day, but he didn’t have the mood to appreciate it. He felt lost, confused, he didn’t know what he could do with this project, or whether he was capable of doing it.

He went straight to the library. Because there was something on his heart, and because it hurt too much just now, and he wanted to get distracted. 

The library was unexpectedly crowded at five o'clock in the afternoon, but Seungyoun rushed up to the third floor in one breath where there were fewer people and where the graduation portfolios were placed. He then tiptoed against the shelves to look for a person with the name “Han Seungwoo.” He wasn’t sure if there would be his portfolio since Hangyul said he didn’t even finish graduate school. But somehow, he wanted to have a try.

Usually, a graduation portfolio is like the lifework of the artist. It would contain the artist's statement or journal which contains a lot of information about him or her and the stories behind the works. Seungyoun likes to see them, and this “Seungwoo’s” would especially of interest to him.

His fingers traced the piles of hardcovers of portfolios, going up and down, shelves after shelves, and finally, a title caught his eyes:

"Chestnut of My Eye."

Well, _chestnut_ , that's a reasonable title. Seungyoun thought.

Opening the first page, he saw Wooseok already. That was the sixteen-year-old Wooseok, absolutely stunning.

The photo was in black and white, and the environment was a fairly old facility with off-painted wooden window frames and cracked wall. Wooseok looked so young, even a bit childish, but not too weak. He was half-naked, wearing beach pants, spread legs, and sat in the corner of a room, looking straight into the camera.

Seungyoun’s heart skipped a beat.

Turn to the next page, there was still Wooseok, standing under a rusty shower head, his thin and long arms were stretched up and there was an innocent and content smile on his face. His young and beautiful body was exposed to the photographer and now to Seungyoun the viewer.

The next page showed Wooseok sitting on the window with two legs swinging. He still looked at the camera, the corners of his mouth slightly lift up, and his lips seemed so plump and juicy in this one. Although he didn’t want to think of the word “seductive,” he did feel it. And then he thought that even though they shared a long and soft kiss the other day, he didn’t really know how beautiful his lips were. He unconsciously rubbing his finger on Wooseok’s face in the photo. Everything about him was so flawless, this is crazy.

There were altogether ten photos in this portfolio, and in each photo, Wooseok would look straight into the camera and fully perform his bodies in different positions. He looked so natural and comfortable, and that made Seungyoun realize, it was because the person behind the camera was Seungwoo. It was Seungwoo who made Wooseok seem like he was saying "even if the world doesn’t care about me, it doesn’t matter, because I am in your eyes." Imagine how much trust they share… 

Seungyoun took a deep breath before finally reaching the last page as the artist's statement would usually be there. For many artists, it is not easy to write this. Sometimes they think too abstractly and don't know how to organize the language, and other times they don't even want to set a "core" for their works. Seungyoun considered himself to be in the latter category, as his photos were often criticized for "lacking theme and coherence" in critique workshops. He wondered if Seungwoo would be good at this. But even if he didn’t write anything, his photos of Wooseok were impactful enough and could be worthy of ten million words. His technique was good, his sense was outstanding, and the performance of his model, was incomparable.

But when he turned to the last page, he was still slightly surprised to see a poem.

_Chestnut of my eye_

_Let me peel off your double shells--_

_Your tender green_

_Your protective brown_

_Chestnut of my eye_

_Look at me_

_As if I look at you in this horrendous darkness_

_You adore me_

_Just like I adored you_

Seungyoun closed the portfolio as if he had completed a profound ceremony, as if he and this person named Han Seungwoo had together witnessed the growth of Wooseok, and were going to escort him into the unknown future.

And when he thought the “ceremony” was complete and was ready to put the portfolio back, he suddenly felt some uneven words gilded on the back cover:

"Kiss you gently, my love.”

It hurt. For some reason, it hurt more than the professor's words. 


	13. Chapter 13

_It must feel good to be loved, to be loved this much by someone._

Seungyoun thought after walking back home. He wasn’t sure what was hurting him exactly but there was something personal and melancholic in Seungwoo’s portfolio. He felt connected, but also, a little bit jealous and frustrated.

Maybe because the city was too dry during this summer, it rained a lot during the fall, perhaps trying to meet the yearly quota of precipitation.

Seungyoun slept a lot recently. He usually couldn’t sleep well at night but strangely, he liked to sleep for about two hours in the afternoon. He liked the feeling of waking up in the dark as if he was forgotten by the world.

“Kiss you gently, my love.” He constantly thought of the words on the back cover of Seungwoo’s portfolio. _Since when did I want people’s love this much?_ he asked himself.

 _Well, maybe it was just the weather that made me feel this way_. He would then look at the pouring rain outside and shook his head.

It was already afternoon, Seungyoun did nothing since he woke up, and now he still had no idea how to make his rejected project better. Frustrated, he started checking on social media out of boredom. Suddenly, he saw Hangyul just posted a photo of Wooseok. Wooseok was wearing a white long-sleeve shirt and standing in front of his own painting. It was a huge canvas that Seungyoun had seen when visiting Wooseok’s studio. The style was the same, the thin lines crossing each other, all over the canvas, the obsessive-compulsive anxiety was so obvious in such ritualistic brush works. However, in Hangyul’s caption, he said “look at my pure, warm, huggable baby and his painting full of love!”

 _Is this the real Wooseok?_ Seungyoun remembered how Wooseok was actually working on a different, darker, and more depressing artwork when he was visiting. Seungyoun never associated Wooseok with the word “warm,” in fact, on the contrary, he thought Wooseok felt cold, distant, and mysterious.

But aside from these thoughts, he suddenly really wanted to see Wooseok. It’s been days, maybe weeks? He wasn’t sure why it only hit him this hard now that he really wanted to see him again, to see his face, not just an undecipherable back posted by his best friend.

It was raining so hard outside, everyone was driving, so it came as no surprise that Seungyoun couldn't find a parking spot. After finally got one that was far from the undergraduate exhibition building, he ran into the heavy rain without any hesitation. The splash of water dampened his pants, but who would care? He felt so eager to see Wooseok as if he would disappear at any moment.

The exhibition space was on the 15th floor of a building, and it took forever for the elevator to finally come down. As the door opened again, Seungyoun saw a beautiful blonde girl smiling at him, “Excuse me, sir, the show won’t be open to the public until next week. But oh gosh, you are soaked!”

Seungyoun now realized how embarrassed he was, after suddenly leaving the house out of impulse and then driving like a madman and running in the rain. However, he had no time to flirt with the receptionist because he only wanted to know if Wooseok was inside.

“Emm, sir? Are you looking for someone?” The receptionist could tell the anxiety on this Asian man’s face.

“I’m a graduate student from photojournalism. I’m in charge of reporting about this show, so may I go in?” Seungyoun finally remembered that he could just show his ID.

“Oh, ok, but maybe you need to dry yourself before going in so that you won’t make the paintings wet by accident. The restroom is over there.”

Seungyoun thanked her and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and indeed, what a horrible face. No wonder the receptionist was so skeptical just now. He bet if he just walked in like that, everyone inside would get scared.

After making himself look more decent, Seungyoun walked into the exhibition hall. There were all kinds of weird stuff in this space in the forms of oil paintings, photography, sculpture, installation, videos, and more. There would also be some performance arts on the gallery opening day for sure.

The white baffles separated the entire space into many parts, Seungyoun wandered around, it reminded him of that day when he was looking for Wooseok’s small studio amongst hundreds of them in the same building. How come he always wanted to find him in such a clueless situation?

In fact, there were not many people in this space now, because most of the installations were finished. Seungyoun didn't know how long he had been walking, nor did he know if he would miss the booth where Wooseok’s paintings were placed, he basically just looked around and took a quick glance, not leaving more than a second on others' works. Also, the hall was full of sound works, so it actually felt quite creepy, like a haunted house.

Maybe they left already. Seungyoun told himself. Thus he walked toward the window, looking down on the streets from such great height.

“Seungyoun hyung??” Suddenly, a familiar voice sounded behind him. He turned around instantly, and of course, it was the person he was dying to see.

"Home come you are here, hyung?" 

“Ah… emm… I saw Hangyul posted photos just now, so I thought maybe you guys need help.”

Damn, what a lame excuse. Seungyoun wanted to bang his head on the window.

“He just left ten minutes ago for another class,” Wooseok answered.

“Oh, ok then…”

While still feeling awkward, Seungyoun saw Wooseok slowly approached him, “Hyung, do you like my painting over there?” He then pulled Seungyoun’s hand, leading him to the end of the hallway where his big painting was hanging. Seungyoun stood there in awe of its size and the emotion and pressure embedded in those intense lines. However, with the darkened and softened lighting, the aura of the work was strangely warm and soothing. Warm, the first time he actually sensed it from Wooseok, or his work.

“What do you see?” Wooseok asked sincerely.

“Do you want to hear my real thoughts?” Seungyoun asked.

“Of course.”

“Well, the last time I saw the working-in-progress version of this painting in your studio, I felt that it was quite depressed. But when I look at it this time, I feel very warm and comfortable. I guess you felt both when creating it, right?” Seungyoun commented honestly.

Wooseok turned and looked at Seungyoun, with some surprise and hesitation in his eyes.

"Hyung, do you think I am also depressing?"

"What? No. I just, I just think you are multifaceted… mysterious... I can't really see through you. I don’t know what you are thinking…" Seungyoun explained but looked away. However, Wooseok didn't say anything in return. He just stood a bit closer to him, and Seungyoun knew he was looking up at his own painting, contemplating. 

This suddenly made Seungyoun nervous. He wondered whether his words were too mean, or maybe too honest that it didn’t sound so nice to the artist? So he apologized, “Sorry Wooseok, did I just say something random? Just forget about it. I love your painting, for real... ”

"Sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to ...” Wooseok cut his words, “I, I didn’t mean to confuse you or act mysterious in front of you… I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t say that! I didn’t blame you or anything!” Seungyoun hurriedly explained, “I just thought that you are special this way. You are an interesting person. I’m not good at expressing myself sometimes so…”

_So what?_

_So I'm attracted by you?_

_So I want to know you more?_

_I want to know your secrets?_

“I’m really nothing special,” Wooseok muttered.

“Hmm?”

Wooseok wanted to say more but he stopped halfway. Because he had already said it to Seungyoun before. He just wanted to be seen by Seungyoun more. He wanted more attention from him. 

“Ah, by the way, I should apologize.” Seungyoun said, “I promised that I would visit you more, but I was kinda… disappeared for a while.”

"It's ok, I understand..." Wooseok lowered his voice but there was certainly a sense of sadness in it. He sounded like a wronged kitten who knew he did something wrong.

But wait, no! Seungyoun suddenly felt so guilty and frustrated. He looked at Wooseok, and an indescribable fire rose from his heart. Wooseok did nothing wrong, but why was he the one apologizing? Actually it was all his own fault, he didn’t want to see him for a while because at first, he was afraid that he’d fall deeper for Wooseok, his best friend's boyfriend. And then, after knowing about the story of Wooseok and Chestnut, and saw Chestnut’s photos documenting their love, he felt hurt, he felt useless and left out, he even felt stupid like a total outsider. In short, he felt unconfident and just wanted to hide.

But now, nothing mattered. Seungyoun suddenly realized how vulnerable and helpless Wooseok was. This boy had probably been through a lot with that painful relationship and now all he wanted was just to be seen, to be loved, and what’s wrong with it? Forget about Hangyul if that idiot couldn't give Wooseok what he really wanted. 

After all, who doesn’t want to be seen? To be loved?

Seungyoun took a deep breath and seized Wooseok’s shoulder, pulling him into his chest.

The move was almost intuitive as if it was bound to happen. And in total silence, the hug grew longer and harder. It felt so natural and it was so obvious that both of them needed it very, very much. 

“Hyung,” Wooseok whined inside Seungyoun's warm embrace.

“Hmm?”

“Can you hold me tighter?”

“Then can you tell me more about ‘Chestnut’?” Seungyoun murmured beside Wooseok's ear, making the shorter's heart flutter. 

“Ok… but before that… can you kiss me?” Wooseok mumbled in return.

And so they kissed.

Seungyoun pushed Wooseok against the wall, putting one hand behind Wooseok’s head, and caught his plump lips without hesitation. Wooseok's lips were so sweet, so warm. Seungyoun hadn’t kissed anyone this eagerly in a long while and he almost felt like he wanted to devour him. Wooseok was so tiny inside his arms, so he held him tighter like he's protecting a treasure that he wouldn’t want to share with anyone else. Wooseok obeyed every move Seungyoun's body was leading, and when Seungyoun swirled his tongue inside him, Wooseok would simply surrender everything and complied. There were thunder and pouring rain outside, but nothing could bother them. In fact, the bad weather and natural sound added more excitement and lust between them. Their kiss went so passionate and deep and Wooseok almost fell if it wasn’t Seungyoun who held him so tightly. 

“Hyung, hyung…” Wooseok tried to push Seungyoun away, “Are you sober today?”

“What do you mean?”

“I promised that I won’t ‘take advantage of you’ when you are unconscious and kiss you.”

Seungyoun laughed, and instead of answering him, he stopped Wooseok’s silly words with another kiss on his hot and juicy lips.

It was definitely a long-waited kiss. Otherwise, it wouldn't be this crazy, this out of control...

Finally, as they broke the kiss again for some air, Wooseok rested his chin on Seungyoun’s shoulder, “I liked it, hyung.”

Seungyoun didn’t say a word. He was still mesmerized by the intense emotion that neither of them was willing to share for now. But yea, he liked it, too.

“Wait, I think someone’s coming.” Wooseok suddenly became alerted and jumped away. Seungyoun was startled for a second but as he saw someone coming, he quickly walked toward the window, pretending to watch the traffic outside. And next, Wooseok greeted the person, apparently, it was his classmate who came here to finalize his work for the exhibition.

The traffic was a disaster during such bad weather. Seungyoun’s view was actually quite moistened. He could vaguely see cars lining up endlessly, the drivers honking constantly, and the red and yellow car lights all linking up, waiting for an estuary to enter the world of the free.

_Was that what you wanted, Chestnut?_


	14. Chapter 14

Seungyoun just left the scene like a stranger. It was still raining but he didn’t run. He wanted to wake himself up from what just happened.  
He didn’t know how he managed to drive back home. He quickly took a shower and then looked at himself naked in the mirror.  
He had to admit that, he felt things. Wooseok made him feel things, more than just butterflies in his stomach. He recalled their kiss just now, it was the best one he had ever had, and he wouldn’t mind for more, if it wasn’t that person coming in… However, now he looked into the mirror and stared into his own eyes, he started to wonder if it was what he really wanted.

Seungyoun asked himself if he was just being jealous of Chestnut. But interestingly, he never really felt jealous of Hangyul, who was Wooseok’s current boyfriend. After all, having found out Chestnut’s photos of Wooseok in his best teenage years, Seungyoun felt defeated, lost, and maybe even a little angry. He hated the fact that he wasn’t there and didn’t have the chance and ability to capture Wooseok, and that he couldn’t receive the same kind of adoration from Wooseok. He knew there was no point to compare, and he couldn’t even quite fathom what was this feeling for Wooseok. Did he want to earn a beautiful “prize” like Wooseok? Did he want to defeat his best friend and someone he hadn’t even met? Or did he want “love” from Wooseok who felt so out of his league?  
But any of these would make him a jerk. He thought.

Seungyoun sighed and walked out of the bathroom. But as soon as he sat on his working station, Wooseok’s message came on to his phone: “Hyung, how should I make sense of today?”  
Seungyoun’s heart pondered so loud. He knew exactly what Wooseok was saying but he didn’t know the answer. But without him replying, Wooseok sent another message: “I want to take it as you like me.”  
Seungyoun stared at the characters “you like me” for the longest time. He then started typing, and then deleted, typing, then deleting again. In the end, he wrote, “I have always liked you as a friend. It was my fault just now. I was… out of my mind. Sorry.”  
Ah, what a jerk. He thought to himself.

However, he only felt comfortable framing it this way. He knew he would make Wooseok hate him but on his part, he was indeed a coward, a jerk. He didn’t like to give a definite answer because that might come with responsibility and he wasn’t sure if he’s ready to take it. Maybe Hangyul was right, he once said that Seungyoun would always flirt and then run away. However, what Hangyul didn’t know was that the reason he ran away was that he hated himself, he thought he didn’t deserve it, and he didn’t want to add trouble to others.  
A few minutes after Seungyoun sent that “heartless” message, Wooseok replied, “Hyung, haven’t you thought about that I was honestly willing to kiss you?”  
Gosh, for one second Seungyoun’s heart almost jumped out of his lung because it was the first time that he got such a confirmative answer from someone. It didn’t look that way but for Seungyoun, it was a big yes from Wooseok. Yes, he wanted to kiss him, he was not playing, they kissed because both of them wanted to.

Yet, fear stopped Seungyoun again.

“No, it was all my fault.”  
Seungyoun had been used to such self-denial. Oftentimes, even though he knew it was 99.9% the case, he would still worry if there was this 0.1% possibility that the other person was just joking with him. Plus, Seungyoun was still questioning if his feeling for Wooseok was due to jealousy, or the desire to win someone. And that would be very unfair to him. He told himself that this was the core to his reluctance.

“Then are you going to see me here again?” Wooseok replied.  
“If you don’t mind me, I would still come.” Seungyoun also replied quickly this time, as if it would make him look “natural” and make their conversation feel more like a normal “friendship.”  
Seungyoun still remembered how, when they kissed for the first time while he was sick, they could both easily pretend nothing happened. So this time it should still work, right?

Seungyoun’s compulsiveness made him visit Wooseok the next day just to make sure that they could still act as nothing happened. He directly went up to where Wooseok’s small working space was located. Nothing seemed to have changed from the last time he was here, the entire floor still looked like a maze, the difference was that Seungyoun could find Wooseok immediately now.  
He didn’t even knock before pulling up the curtain, but to his surprise, Wooseok wasn’t inside.

The disappointment was bigger than Seungyoun thought. And the embarrassment hit him soon afterwards. Maybe it wasn’t really his compulsiveness, maybe he was too scared to lose Wooseok… so he came. The unstable heartbeat told him how stupid and coward he was.

Seungyoun stood in the messy studio space looking around. Most of the paintings were the familiar style with white background and countless small lines intertwined. But for some reason, he thought this one would be different, so he walked up to it. And the moment he saw it, he was indeed stunned just like the first time when he totally lost his shit when Wooseok was literally hurting a dark-themed painting.

The canvas was also painted in black, which was a total contrast from the bright ones filling this small space. There was an abstractly drawn heart in the center of the canvas, and again, many wires had been stabbed into it. The wires were twisted, rusted, and annoying. The whole artwork looked like an evil flower blooming from a broken heart. There were no rules, no mercy, no nothing.

Seungyoun suddenly thought about the artist Odilon Redon, the French symbolist painter who would paint haunting signs depicting his inner anxiety. Seungyoun used to like one of his paintings titled “Eye-balloon,” which depicted a big scary eyeball arising like a hot air balloon above the sea. When first seeing that painting, instead of being scared, Seungyoun was intrigued. He felt like he was being led into a nightmare that had no exit. Now he looked at Wooseok’s work, which was clearly something he made in secret since it looked so different from other exhibited ones, he became thoughtful again. Wooseok was still too mysterious to him, and besides solving the mysteries himself, there was no other way.

Seungyoun stepped back a bit and bumped into a big wooden box. And then he found that there were all kinds of raw, metal materials inside, as well as tools such as screwdrivers and hammers. Amongst the mess, there was something wrapped in old newspapers, he reached it, felt it, and finally, he decided to open it.  
It was a stack of polaroids. Ah, he shouldn’t invade Wooseok’s privacy like this but he couldn’t stop himself right now.

Every polaroid was a capture of an artwork, and every artwork was something similar to the dark one Wooseok was currently working on. If the ones that Seungyoun had seen were dark enough, then the ones on the polaroids were even more disturbing. Metal objects, including wires, iron sheets, nails, etc. kept penetrating the canvases ruthlessly. Instead of creating beauty, these were definitely constructing pains. At this time, one polaroid dropped on the floor, Seungyoun picked it up and it was an overview of a wall which was covered by many artworks of this kind, very dark, depressing, and destructive.

Seungyoun was shaking and his hands were cold and sweaty at the same time all due to the power these artworks held. He put all the polaroids back into the newspaper wrap and placed it in the box. He then sat on a chair trying to imagine what Wooseok was like when making those artworks. What was he thinking? Was he sad? Mad? Depressed? Or worse? For a while, he was also confused as to whether Wooseok’s works contained poignant protest or the sadness of giving up, but he found himself hopelessly fond of either option. He imagined Wooseok’s beatific figure plunging and venting everything inside him into these inanimate objects, allowing them to be reborn as something else, something really touching and hurting even for the viewers.

Seungyoun suddenly realized that perhaps Wooseok was the artwork himself in his heart, and he should have discovered this long ago. Although Seungyoun had asked Wooseok to be his photography model, that would only be him capturing Wooseok’s looks, figures, his physical beauty. But what he really wanted was to capture Wooseok’s untouchable heart—a heart that might have already been tainted by someone else, and also been exposed vaguely yet brutally by Wooseok himself through these artworks. 

At this time, Seungyoun heard some footsteps approaching. He took a deep breath, preparing himself to face whatever that’s coming. Will Wooseok be surprised to see him? Be happy that he's here? Or be angry at his words from yesterday? Be suspicious of his presence?


	15. Chapter 15

When Wooseok opened the curtain, he saw Seungyoun was sitting on a tall chair, waving at him.   
Wooseok was indeed very surprised. Based on his understanding of Seungyoun’s personality, after what happened yesterday, he would probably hide away from him for at least a week. But now, he’s right in front of him, even looking relaxed and happy. Of course, Wooseok wasn’t complaining at all, so he immediately put on a smile on his face and walked toward him. 

“Hyung, you are here! Sorry I was at the cafeteria.”  
Seungyoun sighed with relief to himself internally, “Emm, sorry I just came in.”  
“It’s ok, you can come in here anytime,” Wooseok said, and then he suddenly noticed that his on-going, dark artwork, was right beside Seungyoun. “Ah—” he said, with a little bit of embarrassment on his face, “Did you get scared this time?” Since last time Seungyoun literally ran away after seeing his other work in this series, Wooseok wasn’t sure what he would think this time.   
“Haha, don’t worry. I wasn’t scared of this last time, either, ok? And this is great work.” Seungyoun said, “I like your white canvases but also, this dark style is cool, too. Either way, it is you.”  
“Really? You really think so? Everyone seems to like my other works better, they like bright, pure, clean things…”  
“But I’m not ‘everyone.’” Seungyoun cut his words off immediately.   
“Yes, you are special,” Wooseok said.   
Seungyoun blushed because he just realized how obnoxious he might sound by saying he’s not “everyone,” but also, he blushed because Wooseok said he’s special.   
“Well, at the end of the day it still depends on whether the dealers and collectors like them. We create artworks, putting our whole heart into them, but eventually, they may worth nothing at all,” Wooseok shrugged. 

Wooseok was right though. The art world is cruel. Usually, if you want to make it, it all depends on your “connections” in the industry, not really how skilled you are or how devoted you are. So many art students would spend most of their spare time socializing with the big names in the art world, going to gallery openings, parties, trying to climb up the social ladders. Although it might be too difficult for Seungyoun, when he looked at Wooseok, he suddenly felt that such kind of socialization would be a piece of cake for someone as beautiful as him in this hypocritical art world. Not to mention that Wooseok’s white series belonged to an abstract style that the collectors would really like nowadays. However, he would definitely hate to see Wooseok really entering the dark side of the art world.  
“Hyung, what are you thinking?” Noticing Seungyoun’s sudden silence, Wooseok asked.  
”Nothing, you know, you don’t have to think about the market or collectors right now, just take your time to create. I’m sure there will be people buying your works soon.”  
Wooseok skimmed his lips as if saying “I know you are comforting me but it’s ok.” But indeed, he didn’t really care much about the market stuff either. he didn’t even want to make a living by being an artist.   
“What's the matter? Not happy to hear this kind of sermon by me?" Seungyoun flirted.  
"No, I just feel… it’s really hard to live in this world.”  
“Wooseok, do you know how you make me feel?"  
"?"  
"I feel that you know a lot about me, but I don't know anything about you." Seungyoun continued.   
Woosek froze.  
"Then what do you want to know about me, hyung?" Wooseok asked in return, this time with a more serious tone.   
Seungyoun’s heart pounded. What did he want to know? He found that he wanted to say "of course I want to know everything about you," but didn’t say it. Because he knew, when you want to know someone, it is not necessary to really "understand everything" about him.   
Wooseok squatted on the ground, stretching out his arms and looking blankly at the big canvases against the floor. Meanwhile, Seungyoun still sat on that tall chair, casting the same elusive expression on his face. 

“Hyung, do you know Agnes Martin?” After a long silence between them, Wooseok finally said.   
Seungyoun heard about the name from an art history class. But now as Wooseok mentioned, he suddenly remembered, wasn’t Agnes Martin the one who also made a lot of drawings with compulsive fine lines, and whose works always gave a weak feeling, which made the viewer suspect that she was either depressed or trying to express something ethereal? Now he thought about it, Wooseok’s big white paintings were really similar to Martin's style.  
"Yet she was not trying to express anything bad or tortuous. She not compulsive, not unhappy." Wooseok continued, "I used to think that her ritualistic style of painting indicated her inner perversion, but she actually said that what she wanted to express was 'freedom'. When you love the world, you are free."  
Seungyoun listened to him quietly.  
"But who knows? People like to believe in everything the artist says after he or she becomes famous. Maybe she can make lies in anyway she wants to make people easily believe in her creative motives.”  
Seungyoun nodded.  
"Actually I just don't believe in it. I think she was lying. You know, artists always say they are expressing their true feelings through art, but that could just be them trying to impress others or make better sales. Everyone is a hypocrite in this world. Everyone. ”  
Seungyoun was a bit caught off guard by Wooseok’s words.   
"So hyung, even if I said something, or you said something, it's not necessarily true, so why dwell on it? Truth is actually quite worthless, just live and interact with the feeling, is it not enough?"  
Ah, so this was what Wooseok was trying to say? Seungyoun realized, Wooseok was like a real preacher, slowly letting his soft voice and wishes permeating the listener’s heart, huh?   
"I just don't think it's fair ......," Seungyoun thought for a while and spoke, "although there's nothing fair about it."  
"What?"  
"If you lied to me, I would be sad, because what I said to you was all truth. In fact, if it's something about myself, I don't really like to lie to people. No one cares about me in the first place, so if I still spend time trying to make up lies, then I’m afraid I will really lose myself in the end,” Seungyoun explained.   
"But hyung, you are loved!" Wooseok looked up at this point, and there were some excitement and desperation in his tone.

This time it was Seungyoun’s turn to freeze, but also because he found himself a little afraid to look directly into Wooseok’s eyes. He was afraid to hear the next sentence - whatever it might be. So he opened his mouth again, letting out something that he had been desperately thinking: "In fact, I quite understand some people who committed suicide at the end of their art creation process...... In this world, you can easily find other people whose works are much better than yours. And what hurt the most is that you don’t hate these people who are better. You love them, you admire them. But then you don’t know what to do with yourself, your incapability. You feel useless, and you cannot reconcile with your useless self. You can't stop comparing yourself to others, you can't convince yourself, and you can't get anything. As you said, it's really hard to live in this world, it’s easier to die maybe. But even I choose to die, I still can’t make somebody need me, or create something that is loved by somebody. There is just no exit, I’m stuck.”  
Seungyoun said a lot in one breath, and by the end, he was so thrilled and even couldn’t catch up with his own breath. He didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to vent all this on Wooseok. These words had always been in his heart but he never knew whom could he share this to. And now, for some reason, he told Wooseok.   
But it was only when he finished that he realized he might have strayed too far away from what they were originally talked about, and he didn't know exactly what central idea he wanted to express.   
But when he looked at Wooseok again, he found that his face was red, and there were some tears rolling in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Seungyoun panicked a bit.  
"Why are you all like this ......" Wooseok sniffled, "Why can you say ‘die’ with such a careless smile on your face? Why were you act like ‘killing yourself’ was nothing serious?...... Hyung, don't be silly, okay ......" He almost shouted in the end.   
Seungyoun lost his words.  
And Wooseok continued, "In fact, you guys are just too arrogant, aren't you? Thinking that no one else deserves to love you. In the end, you are just isolating yourselves, forcing yourselves to die alone!”  
Wooseok’s reaction really scared Seungyoun. Yes, he often talked about death as if it was nothing serious. He always talked about death to his counselor, but he never really thought about implementing it, he did not have the guts to die. Also, another thing that stunned him was that, why Wooseok was using plural when shouting at him? 

"When you said… ‘you’… did you ...... mean me ...... and Han Seungwoo?” Seungyoun asked tentatively.  
"Yes," Wooseok nodded gently.  
"So he ......"  
"Well, he died. He committed suicide."

This answer should not have surprised Seungyoun, after all, he had guessed from the beginning that this was the case. But as the words finally came out of Wooseok’s mouth, he had a feeling of relief. However, this feeling didn’t stay for a second, he immediately felt that he had accidentally touched an extremely sensitive area in Wooseok’s heart.   
"Sorry… Wooseok… I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to downplay the significance of death, no, I mean, I just…” Seungyoun rubbed his hair, trying to find a better explanation to comfort Wooseok. But he also knew everything he said might just hurt him more… 

"I loved Seungwoo very much, but could never receive his true love," Wooseok mumbled, "Even though I knew he only saw me as a 'thing', I was happy to be an ornament to him. But in the end, I was discarded." Wooseok said and then smiled bitterly. The expression of pain and loss between his frowning eyebrows heavily smashed Seungyoun’s heart, raw and painful. 

And strangely, he felt that he was also in pain.   
He was painful because the look in Wooseok’s eyes when he talked about his love for Seungwoo made him realize that he would never ever receive Wooseok’s true love, just like how Wooseok thought that he had forever lost his "chestnut."

Seungyoun once again laid his eyes back on the dark artwork of Wooseok’s. He didn’t know whether it should be called a "painting" or "sculpture," but he remembered how Wooseok was stabbing it last time, with anger, pain, desperation, and more. And now, he felt like he was the one being stabbed. His heart had become the evil “flower” on the canvas.


	16. Chapter 16

When Seungyoun met Hangyul the next day at their photo studio, he saw there was a bandage on Hangyul’s neck.

“Did you fight with another Wooseok chaser or what?” He joked.

“Argh, don’t mention it, it was Wooseok. He started to bite.”

“Never mind,” Seungyoun rolled his eyes.

Yesterday, Wooseok finally mentioned Chestnut’s death in front of Seungyoun. Even though Seungyoun had been waiting for this moment for so long, when he finally heard about it, he realized that he didn’t know what he should be thinking. Instead of empathizing with Wooseok’s pain, he was more interested in the real image of Chestnut, or Seungwoo. Although he had never met Seungwoo before and only had a glimpse of his profile in that portfolio, now strangely, he felt like he began to know this person more. Seungwoo must be a very selfish person, otherwise, how could he make someone as pretty as Wooseok broke his heart? Wooseok even said that he was just a “thing,” and an “ornament” to Seungwoo, that was too ridiculous to hear. And according to Wooseok, Seungwoo ended his own life with a smile, as if life didn’t matter to him. Maybe Wooseok had changed after that day, and as a result, no one could ever see the same Wooseok who smiled so carefree in Seungwoo’s portfolio again.

Seungyoun was definitely sad for Wooseok’s loss but then found himself painful, too. He felt ridiculed as to discover that in the end, he was not even a substitute, because after Seungwoo, Hangyul was the one on the bench.

So what happened yesterday after Wooseok told him the truth was that, Seungyoun gently patted Wooseok’s head, looking at him lovingly and said, "We can face this together."

“Hyung, are you flirting with me again?”

“Well you know that already. So now I’m going to run away.” Seungyoun smiled, “Thanks for telling me about him. I really appreciate it. You know, I’m always here if you need me. And if you feel bad, just bite Hangyul."

On his way home, Seungyoun reflected on himself again. Although he kept saying that he knew nothing about Wooseok and it was thus "unfair," he had been watching Wooseok, examining him, speculating about him, imagining his life, and complaining that he had hidden his true self too much. However, Wooseok was not obliged to tell him anything because... they were just friends. Ah, Seungyoun thought himself was really annoying.

“Hey, do you want to go to Boston with me?” Hangyul’s question brought him back to reality, as both of them were still sitting in the studio, supposedly be working on their photo editing project.

“What?”

“I’m going to a conference in Boston at the end of this month. My professor couldn’t go so he said I could give his free ticket to a friend.”

“So?”

“Are you an idiot? Just travel with me for free,” Hangyul said incredulously.

“Why don’t you take Wooseok with you then?” Seungyoun asked.

“He’s an undergrad and it would be too suspicious to take him to a conference.”

“Emmm, ok.” Seungyoun said. It’s been a while since he traveled in the country. It might be a good chance to relax a bit.

“Yay! I love you Seungyoun.”

“Shut up,” Seungyoun pushed Hangyul’s greasy face away, “I mean you could just buy a ticket for Wooseok and we can travel together.”

Hangyul didn’t answer. He just sighed and stood up, “I’m going to my next class. Bye bro.”

“Ok I’m going to work in the library.”

Seungyoun went to the library and picked up Seungwoo’s portfolio again during the break of shelving books. He wanted to have another look at this masterpiece made by someone who, unfortunately, deceased.

In the last photo in this portfolio, the 16-year-old Wooseok was lying on his side on the bed, he propped his head with one hand and reached to a glass vessel with the other. When Seungyoun saw this photo last time, he thought there were some pears or lemons in the vessel, but now, upon closer inspection, he realized those were all chestnuts, not the peeled ones people often saw in stores, but the kind of fresh, green, and fuzzy fruit that just fell off the tree.

This photo was somewhat similar to one on Wooseok's Cyworld page, except that this was still a 16-year-old Wooseok, with not so many stories in his eyes, yet the youthful desire was so direct and tempting. Wooseok looked like an excited and nervous teenager who couldn’t wait to try the fruit of abstinence. To any artist, such a look was priceless and divine. Oh how he wished he could have a model like this.

Suddenly, Seungyoun noticed that there was a painting behind Wooseok in the last photo. He didn’t pay attention last time because all his focus was on Wooseok’s powerful presence. But now, he found that painting behind him very familiar… where did he see it? Oh wait, it was the one that Wooseok carried with his luggage when they first met at the airport. However, what shocked Seungyoun, even more, was that at the bottom right corner of the painting, there was a small signature—chestnut.

So maybe, that painting with all the obsessive lines intertwined was made by Seungwoo? Wooseok was just carrying it all around with him and then reenact them now in this art school? Maybe Wooseok was trying to extend Seungwoo’s artist life in this way?

And if that’s true, then Wooseok’s real works were actually those dark, more aggressive, and destructive ones?

Ah, now things started to make more sense to Seungyoun. He felt he was very close to the exit of a maze. But before that, there was something he wanted to do.

“Can we meet tonight?” Seungyoun texted Wooseok.

“Sure. I want to meet you every day. Actually, I want to meet you now.” Wooseok replied quickly.

“Then I’ll go to your studio after I finish work?”

“No, I’ll come to you now. I’ll wait for you in that small garden behind the library,” Wooseok replied.

An hour later, Seungyoun finished work and ran directly to their “secret garden.” And indeed, Wooseok was already there.

“It’s like a secret date.” Wooseok smiled.

Seungyoun smirked, asking, “I heard that you bite Hangyul last night?”

“You told me to do so,” Wooseok answered “proudly.”

“Did you tell him it was my idea?”

“Nope. I tell him nothing about us,” Wooseok tilted his head and looked straight into Seungyoun’s eyes, “but after all, nothing really happened between us, right?”

Seungyoun was flustered by his words. They were too playful and teasing and they made his heartbeat abnormal. He loved how Wooseok was the one being mischievous, who made things more mysterious than they already were. He loved how Wooseok was actually needing him, making him feel like he’s more important than Hangyul. Ah damn, something’s raising in him again. He felt so soft and weak, he wanted to… get closer to him.

So he walked up to Wooseok, gently put his arms around Wooseok’s tiny waist.

Wooseok was taken aback, but then he joked, “Hyung, are you particularly horny recently?”

“Huh? Nope… I just lose my mind whenever I see you.”

“You know you are doing something wrong, right? You know I’m Hangyul’s boyf...”

Seungyoun didn’t let him finish, and without any warning, he just kissed Wooseok’s right ear.

Wooseok might be teasing but he definitely didn’t expect this to come. He stood still, trying to process what was going on, but in the end, he just said, “Hyung, are, are you going to Boston with him?”

“Yep. I’m going. Are you going?”

“I…”

“Ah it doesn’t matter,” Seungyoun shook his head and hugged Wooseok tighter. There was a special aroma surrounding Wooseok, drawing him in, causing him to gently rub his chin on Wooseok’s neck.

“H, hyung?” Wooseok tried to call him but Seungyoun didn’t say a thing. He was sniffing or breathing, through the air between them. Finally, Wooseok calmed down a bit and accepted the reality.

“Then hyung, are you going to run away this time?” After accepting Seungyoun’s uncalled clinginess, Wooseok hugged back and asked softly. Maybe something happened to Seungyoun? That’s why he was being like this now? He wondered.

“No, I just want to ask you something today. That’s all. I want to ask if you still want to be my model for my project.” Seungyoun whispered beside Wooseok’s ear.

Wooseok pushed him away, looking at him in confusion but also reassurance, “Of course. I told you on the first day that I can be your model.”

Seungyoun was happy to hear it, so happy that he almost cried because he felt accepted by Wooseok. He felt that he had reached the same closeness with Seok that Seungwoo once had.

“Now what do you want me to do? Is that why you are being… very clingy now?” Wooseok asked, this time more seriously.

Seungyoun also became calmer. He didn’t know why he was doing that to Wooseok but strangely, he didn’t feel like he was crossing the line. Maybe because he felt safe in their secret garden, or maybe, he was just too desperate to make sure Wooseok would give him leeway.

“No, actually I have no idea. My project proposal was rejected by my boss. He said it was boring. So I thought maybe you could help me with brainstorming.”

“What’s the project that you got rejected?”

“I told him I wanted to document how the local art committee was trying to restructure the old factory district into an art district.”

“Hahaha,” Wooseok busted out laughing, “Sorry, but that doesn’t sound like an art project to me.”

“See, I know I sound stupid.” Seungyoun sat down on the rim of the dry fountain, “but I don’t know what to do. My professor said my whole direction was wrong. He said that I could just ‘make some art,’ even taking photos of people merging with that environment. He said that I should make photo essays, not newspaper reports.”

“I don’t know about photojournalism or whatever he asked you to do. But maybe you can try capturing something you really like in the first place? And then new ideas may come to you naturally.”

“True, maybe I should take photos of something that really interests me…”

“So you came to me?” Wooseok looked at him with a knowing smile.

“Ah, no, I mean…” Seungyoun blushed.

Wooseok couldn’t stop smiling because his hyung was just so cute—he could randomly kiss him without explaining anything, but then he could also be shy and taken aback by a tiny tease.

“Ok, let’s go to the factory now. Let’s see what I can do, ok?” Wooseok patted on Seungyoun’s shoulder.

“Now? Really? It’s getting dark.”

“Why not?” Wooseok seemed excited as if he was ready to go to a haunted house or something.

After they got into the car, Seungyoun asked, “Do you have to tell Gyul that you’ll be home late?”

“I told him that I’m going to check the site for my group project.”

“You could just tell me the truth though. He wouldn’t mind you going with me I think.”

“But I would. I would feel wrong.” Wooseok said and buckled up.

The space fell back into silence.

The silence made Seungyoun uncertain. And now he recalled his out of control for Wooseok in the garden he felt so embarrassed again.

“Er… so… how was the undergraduate exhibition opening event?” Seungyoun tried to find some topics.

“Oh it was ok. Just the same stuff. People came and talked to me about my paintings… Ah, but there was a pretty weird old guy, he gave me his card and wrote a different number on the back.”

“What?” Seungyoun seemed alerted. This would be a typical situation during an art opening. Some creepy old guys would hit on young artists and try to make certain “trades.” “So what did you do?” He asked anxiously.

“Haha, nothing. He was a creeper so I just smiled and showed no interest in return.”

“That’s good. Sorry I didn’t make it to the opening. I was working.”

“It’s ok, hyung. I know you don’t like that kind of social events. It didn’t suit you, either. The art world is filthy.”

Seungyoun felt happy to hear what Wooseok said. He felt that Wooseok really understood him, his personality.

“It’s true. I don’t like the art world fakeness. I don’t usually go to openings if I don’t have to.”

“Hyung, you know what, you don’t like a typical art student.”

“How about you? Are you a ‘typical’ art student? Are you more ‘evil’ than you showed to me?”

There was too much meaning in their conversation. It was not normal.

“How evil do you think I am, hyung?”

“No, just, you know, I don’t know you much, haha.” An awkward smile was on Seungyoun's face.

“Come on, hyung, you really think I would agree to be anyone’s model?”

“I didn’t mean that, sorry.” Seungyoun said.

“You can just ask me whatever question you have for me. I told you this before.” Wooseok sounded quite serious.

“I do have many questions for you. But I always afraid my questions will make you hate me,” Seungyoun said, knowing full well that he was just being selfish, afraid of being hurt.

Wooseok sighed after noticing the hesitance and lack of confidence in Seungyoun’s words, “Hyung, when did you see me hate on someone?

“Now,” Seungyoun said.

“Wait?” Wooseok looked at him in disbelief, only to find out that Seungyoun was grinning.

But Wooseok sighed again, “Hyung, you are so cute, you know? No wonder so many people like you.”

“What?” Seungyoun couldn’t believe what he just heard, “Are you serious?”

“Never mind, focus on your road.” Wooseok shook his head.

Seungyoun almost missed a red light.

“Ok, here we are.”

Finally, they arrived at an old factory. The building looked so shady, ready to be demolished and rebuild at any moment.

Seungyoun parked his car in front of the building, “Let’s go?” He turned right and looked at Wooseok. Seeing that Wooseok didn’t move at all, he leaned forward and was about to unbuckle him.

“Hyung,” Wooseok slapped his hand, “are you really this cute or you are just playing dumb?” This time Wooseok seized Seungyoun’s arm. 

“If you don’t ask me what you really want to know now, I’m going to do something to you right here.”

“W, what?” Seungyoun seemed confused by Wooseok’s words, but before he could get any clarification, Wooseok turned off the light on the car ceiling and started kissing him, violently.

“Woo…” Seungyoun tried to break away but Wooseok’s arms had more strength than he thought. It was actually hard for him to go. So instead, even though it didn’t feel great with the amount of force and power, he tried to accept the kiss. But soon he felt that he was actually being bitten by Wooseok. Wooseok was so passionate and maybe, angry? He kept getting closer, putting his weight on Seungyoun and pushing his torso harshly while biting his lips. It hurt, Seungyoun never knew a kiss could be this intense and furious. It was more like Wooseok was venting on him, but for what?

Seungyoun didn’t know from where he started to feel better. It seemed that Wooseok slowed down a little bit, his harsh push on Seungyoun was reduced to gentler touch and rubbing. At one point Seungyoun was pretty sure he smelled blood, but the thought was cut when Wooseok inserted his tongue inside his mouth, swirling it swiftly. The warmth soothed him, or maybe both of them.

Seungyoun let his body loose and began to reciprocate the kiss. Damn it, it was wonderful. Even though they were not in the most comfortable position and place, the tension between their exchange of fluid quietened the edges and pains below. What could he complain though? He had always loved any kind of bodily touch with Wooseok, and now he’s getting the most intimate version he could get. So after a while, he stopped Wooseok, struggled to sit upright a little bit, and then he cupped Wooseok’s face, rubbing it, and then he initiated another more loving and tender kiss. Wooseok crawled on his laps and responded to the kiss with more passion and devotion. During a break, Seungyoun pulled Wooseok’s hair to the back of his ears, trying to gaze at him with the dim street light coming from outside. The light contoured Wooseok’s small face and made him so beautiful, so soft, so delicious…

"Ngh…” Wooseok moaned when Seungyoun finished gazing and kissed him again. He was out of his breath because he felt so hot, so sick…

Fuck it, both of them were hard.

“H, hyung, can we move to the backseat? I, I want more space…no, I, I want to have sex with you, hyung, please, can you do me now…” Wooseok was in such a serious heat that every breath felt like it had taken all his strength.

Seungyoun couldn’t care less, so he literally pulled Wooseok out of the car from his seat and then quickly opened the backseat door, threw him in.

Wooseok’s body was already shaking. He looked so aroused and his facial expression was honestly yelling for more caress.

“Just do me here… hyung…”

For a moment Seungyoun swallowed hard, he realized that he was about to have sex with a man, which he had never done before. However, nothing felt wrong at this point. He thought he knew exactly what to do.

“Hyung, I, I have rubber here…” Wooseok reached one hand into the pocket on his pants, meanwhile he tried to get up and pull Seungyoun down.

“Ok, sweetie, don’t rush…” Seungyoun felt so sympathetic so he softly patted Wooseok’s forehead to calm him down, meanwhile getting that condom from the shorter's hand.

“You’re gonna fuck me here right? Hyung, don’t run away from me again…” Wooseok’s voice sounded like crying.

“I’m here, sweetie, I won’t run away.” Seungyoun kept caressing Wooseok’s sweaty forehead and comforted him with his mellowest voice, “calm down a little, ok?”

Wooseok nodded, and his long fingers slowly traced Seungyoun’s jawline.

“It’s Hangyul’s size, right?” Seungyoun waved the condom in his hand and smirked.

“Shut up, it’s yours. I’m sure it fits yours.” Wooseok seemed to be cooled down a little bit and smiled along. He no longer breathed too harshly. Indeed, when Seungyoun reassured him that he wouldn’t run away, everything became better.

“Now kiss me more,” Wooseok grabbed Seungyoun’s collar and pulled him down. Their lips met instantly and another warm and passionate kiss was shared, this time with less worry and concern, but more tenderness and care.

Wooseok’s whole being was shaking. He felt ticklish when Seungyoun’s breath was near his face, his ears, his neck, and his lower body was so eager and hard already. So he kicked and turned restlessly, trying to get his own pants and Seungyoun’s pants off. Seungyoun was kind of amused by his impatient action and even wanted to tease him a little bit more.

“It’s my first time though, you trust me?” Seungyoun said.

“Damn I know you can do it, hyung.” Wooseok whined.

Seungyoun giggled. He loved how he was validated by Wooseok in this way. Basically, Wooseok had always been validating his existence, making him feel better about himself. Ahh, fine… he’s manhood was mad as hell too, so why not…

Seungyoun tore the condom wrap with his mouth and then did whatever he had to do.

“Hyung, I like how you put this thing on. I can’t wait,” Wooseok witnessed the whole process and was excited.

Seungyoun showed his cock right in front of Wooseok’s big doe eyes and he could see the increasing glow on the younger’s pretty face. Wooseok was already whining, grinning, reaching to his own pants but felt difficult to pull them off.

“Hyung, help me.” He begged.

Seungyoun did just that, he carefully undressed Wooseok’s pants, and then he saw the younger’s furious bulge. Without even thinking, he bent down and gave it a loving kiss, “Sorry for keep you waiting,” he teased.

“Hyung!!! I hate you!!!” Wooseok was blushing so hard. Why would he do this??? Just fuck already???

Wooseok finally let his manhood free. As theirs bumped to touched each other, Wooseok demanded, “feel me, hyung. Feel me down there. I’m so fucking ready.”

Seungyoun was definitely surprised to know Wooseok would talk dirtier during sex but he didn’t mind. He complied by feeling Wooseok’s private entrance, yes it was already contrasting and quivering, eager to be invaded. It’s been a while since Seungyoun had sex and last time of course it was with a woman. He was definitely nervous but at the same time, he was so ready to feel him deeper.

“Do you like fingering?” Seungyoun said while his two fingers were teasing Wooseok’s plump lips. Wooseok sucked it immediately and zealously as if it was already Seungyoun’s shaft that he was longing to lick. Seungyoun was more and more aroused as he watched Wooseok from above. He then pulled them out, going downside and reached Wooseok’s hole. It was indeed very inviting, as he could easily insert his two wet fingers.

“Aaah… yes…” Wooseok reacted quite fast.

“Emm… I’m trying my best, Seok… does it hurt?” Seungyoun was satisfied by Wooseok’s reaction but also acted quite timid. He then let his fingers go deeper, Wooseok moaned again and Seungyoun could almost feel how hot Seok's face and body were. Also, he could feel Wooseok’s inside is contrasting, fervently eating his fingers up. Just like that, he began to "play" inside, aimlessly searching and picking, feeling the hole with all kinds of curiosity. 

“I hate you… hyung… you know it so well… why are you teasing me like this?”

“Hmm? What do you want?”

“Your cock please, sir?”

Seungyoun grinned. He leaned down and kissed Wooseok on the tip of his nose, “You sure?”

And instead, Wooseok lifted up his chin and gave Seungyoun a better kiss on his lips, “Fucking yes.”

“Ok, baby, I’m coming.” Seungyoun had played enough with Wooseok’s patience, but also that was for himself to get mentally prepared. He then gave his own hard cock a few more strokes and slid it into that impatient hole. Damn, it was wet and hot. He was still a little nervous but Wooseok’s wide open legs were pressing on his waist, suggesting him to just enter him for god’s sake.

“I’m in you, baby.”

“I, I know, just…”

“Yea, don’t worry, I’ll be very careful, ok?”

“Arghghh, just… go on…” Wooseok cried and seized Seungyoun’s arms.

Seungyoun kept going and going and was startled when Wooseok began contrasting on his shaft. Ah shit… it felt so good. He never had such a feeling, it was quite different from being inside a woman… and he really liked it. And naturally, he started thrusting. Even though he wanted to be careful, he knew he was being violent, because Wooseok’s inside just felt so good, so warm, so welcoming.

“Hyung, ngh… ahh….” Wooseok moaned in high pitch and instead of holding on to Seungyoun, the latter changed to press his arms against the seat while entrusting all his power into the younger's body.

“You like it? Huh? Want more?”

“Ye, yes… hyung, I like it…” Wooseok cried, “Seung, Seungyoun hyung…”

It felt nice to hear his name being called from under, so Seungyoun said, “Can you call my name again?”

“Seungyoun hyung?”

“Yes, I am, cutie.”

What he didn’t know was that Wooseok was all for such sweet name-calling. No matter it was “sweetie” in the beginning or “baby” and “cutie” just now. He was so soft for his Seungyoun hyung that he thought he would love to reach more than just one climax with him.

Seungyoun soon started to thrust faster and fiercer, the whole backseat was probably shaking badly but his fancy SUV should be able to handle this.

“Ah fuck!” Suddenly, Wooseok screamed, “that’s the spot!”

“Oh really?” Seungyoun felt like a winner and he just groaned and hit Wooseok’s inside harder, followed by the younger’s satisfying moans in return.

He kept ramming and he kept eating that furious cock deeper, until at one point a small voice wailed,

“I want to cum… hyung…” 

“Just a few sec, babe.” Seungyoun pressed one hand on Wooseok’s shoulder and the other on the seatback next to him, so that he could have the largest possible space to move forward and penetrate. He felt his cock was very close to get burned inside Wooseok as the impulse to cum was also growing so fast, together with his ever-louder grunts. After a few hardest strokes, he made a deep groan and unloaded himself. Meanwhile, Wooseok’s arched body was also freed as he vented his fluids in a few loads, on his stomach, as well as speckled on Seungyoun’s body.

“Fuck,” Wooseok was out of his breath, “that was freaking awesome.”

Seungyoun almost collapsed on Wooseok but he managed to leave some space in between, just enough for him to gaze into the younger’s eyes and then give him another hot wet kiss.

After a long time, Seungyoun finally pulled away, appreciating that afterglow on Wooseok’s face. He looked so flawless even after intense car sex, “are you even human?” Seungyoun couldn’t help but ask.

“What do you mean? You just fucked me what do you think?”

“Ah… ok just shut up, sweetie,” Seungyoun said while completely hovering over Wooseok’s body. They both sweated a lot especially because the air was thin in the car for two grown-up men. Now they just wanted to take a moment to calm down and to feel each other more.

“Hyung, you know what?” Wooseok slowly uttered.

“I’m happy. I got you faster than Seungwoo.”

“W, What do you mean?”


	17. Chapter 17

“Hyung, how was it?” Wooseok leaned in the corner of the backseat and asked.

“It was good,” Seungyoun answered aloofly, “but what did you mean by “you got me faster than Seungwoo…”

“Shh, stop,” Wooseok put a finger on Seungyoun’s lips, “I’m tired, let me sleep a few more minutes.”

Ah, so there were more secrets even after sex...

Not sure how long had passed, Seungyoun woke up because of how cold it got in the car. The late autumn night was very chilly when you left the window open. He cleared his throat and then saw that Wooseok was still sleeping, so he pulled the blanket that was always in the trunk over and flung it over him to cover him up.

Wooseok moved a little, licked his lips, and leaned on Seungyoun’s shoulder. Seungyoun actually felt that his neck would be sore when he woke up later, but how could he not let this beautiful art using his body a little bit more?

So, yea, they had sex. And it was Seungyoun’s first time with a guy but it turned out well, almost too good. Seungyoun wasn’t really an “amateur” because, well, his best friend was gay and he got “educated” more than he should on a daily basis. But when it really happened, nothing could describe how satisfying and surreal it was. When he was inside Wooseok, he felt as if his whole being was on fire, his brain was filled with fireworks. He could sense the intense testosterone between them and he also enjoyed being on top of someone he absolutely adored… He would never imagine having this kind of feeling with a guy but it truly happened. And moreover, now as he looked down at Wooseok’s sleeping face, he couldn’t help but wanted to kiss him more. He looked like a soft kitten, always making you want to pat, to caress, to love.

But this moment of serendipity was soon interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He reached it in the container and damn, it was Hangyul.

To say that Seungyoun had a panic attack was an understatement, he held his phone and felt he had never been this helpless in his entire life. Moreover, Hangyul actually seldom called him, he would only text, or using chatting apps, so the fact that it was actually a call made Seungyoun even more devastated.

Seungyoun eventually just let the phone ring and never answered it. After the first call was hanged up, Hangyul called again immediately, and Seungyoun still ignored it with a very guilty heart.

Wooseok was still asleep but as Seungyoun ignored the second call, he opened his eyes. However, he didn’t know how panic Seungyoun was, all he knew was that he woke up next to Seungyoun’s wide shoulder, and apparently, Seungyoun gave him a warm blanket while he passed out. Wooseok smiled and whined, “Hyung, do you have water?”

Seungyoun grabbed a bottle of water from the container next to the driver’s seat and opened the lid for him.

“You are so good at taking care of me, hyung.” Wooseok took a sip of water and said, “emm.. did someone call you just now?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up so I didn’t pick up the phone,” Seungyoun said and looked away.

“Let me guess, it was Hangyul who called you.”

Seungyoun inhaled hard and thought, damn, he’s so sharp on this.

“I also think you like this, you like to have an affair with me behind Gyul.” Wooseok continued with a knowing smile, “It is exciting.”

Seungyoun felt this again—that he could always be seen through easily by Wooseok. It was actually a little frustrating. He threw his phone away and didn’t say anything.

This made Wooseok a bit nervous. He said that half-jokingly but what if Seungyoun got mad at him? He glanced at Seungyoun in the dark and then, he heard him saying,

“Well, I think Hangyul would kill me if he knows what just happened.”

In fact, the name Hangyul didn’t even cross his mind when he was making out with Wooseok, only “chestnut” had once appeared in his head since he had been unconsciously comparing himself to Seungwoo. But upon receiving the phone calls from his best friend, he suddenly remembered he should be more sorry and guilty for Hangyul.

This was awful. Seungyoun wished he could just die now so he didn’t have to think about the complexity between them. But then, Wooseok gently rubbed his chin, “Don’t worry, I’ll break up with Gyul someday. I don’t love him.”

“I know,” Seungyoun said, “I know you are not really into him. I can tell. But then I saw you two suddenly became a couple and it confused me. I want to know why.”

Indeed, Seungyoun had so many questions for Wooseok and this was one of them. However, before Wooseok said anything back, Seungyoun continued, “But even if you break up with him, I think we cannot be together either… because… you deserve better.”

“Hyung!” Wooseok pushed him away harshly, “Why are you always looking down upon yourself? There are so many people who love you, you just don’t know and you degrade yourself too much!”

“Really?” Seungyoun smiled bitterly, “You don’t have to comfort me. I think no one even notices me here in this school.”

“That’s because you never laid your eyes on others!” Wooseok suddenly shouted, “Actually, if it wasn’t because of you, I would not approach Hangyul in the first place.”

“What?” Seungyoun was stoned. There was again, too much information in Wooseok’s words and he knew Wooseok would just stop here. And also, did he himself never look at other people in the eye? Was that why he thought no one would pay attention to him? Wait, wait, and Wooseok’s words came back to him again, Wooseok did say that “I got you faster than Seungwoo” just now, right?

Seungyoun’s head was just a mess right now. He didn’t know which information should he process first. However, Wooseok hugged him again, this time whispering, “Hyung, kiss me more and I’ll tell you more.”

“Are we bargaining right now?”

“Emm, just to be fair.”

"How come it looks like I'm completely in the dark and have to do what you ask me to do?" Seungyoun pretended to be dissatisfied. But he actually liked Wooseok this way, cute and mischievous. He had been noticing that Wooseok would always reveal all kinds of unexpected personalities and expressions in front of him, and it was refreshing to be pampered like this now. This made Seungyoun very content, his heart couldn’t help but itch again.

Wooseok hugged him tighter, waiting to hear an answer. And for Seungyoun, a short moment of guilt was helplessly turned into instant surrender to Wooseok’s needs. He pushed Wooseok back a little, and then printed a kiss on his forehead, "is this ok?"

"Hyung… ok, fine,” Wooseok was obviously disappointed, but he pouted and said, “I know you want more, why are you like this? Why do you always have to use a bunch of rules to bind yourself?”

"From what?"

"Desire."

"Well I just fulfilled my desire," Seungyoun said vaguely.

"There are other desires, hyung, you think I'm just talking about sex?"

Seungyoun knocked Wooseok’s forehead fondly, he would probably never win Wooseok in an argument.

“Ok, whatever.” Wooseok gave up too as he knew Seungyoun was this reserved and it was very hard to change him quickly. So he sat back snuggled in his blanket, saying, “Hyung, do you like Hangyul?”

The name appeared in their conversation again but this time Seungyoun felt less stressed. Maybe because the little hug they shared comforted him, and the way Wooseok said he didn’t really love Hangyul made him feel less guilty.

“Emmm… well, it depends on what kind of ‘like.’ To be honest, I may not be able to survive in this country alone without him. He has been a very good friend. But then, his personality drains me sometimes. I feel tired when I have to deal with someone this enthusiastic and… nice...”

“Do you know how I feel when I was with him?” Wooseok asked.

“Wait, do we really have to talk about Hangyul now? I actually want to ask you something about… Seungwoo…”

“No, let me finish.” Wooseok stopped Seungyoun by putting his palm on the former’s mouth, “I just want to make sure how true is your friendship with Hangyul. I’m doomed if you reveal our secret to him first.” He then put his hand down.

Seungyoun was a little shocked but he didn’t get angry. Instead, he laughed and said, “Seriously Seok, you are so smart. Can’t you tell how I feel about him? Do you think I am someone who would tell him _this?_ ”

Wooseok really let out a sigh of relief and smiled, “I was just kidding.”

“To tell you the truth, the first time I met Hangyul, he told me he was gay but was not into someone like me. So do you think I would be sexually interested in him?”

Both of them laughed. But Wooseok stopped first: “Then do you feel regret now?”

“What?”

“I mean, I just turned you gay, well, somewhat, gay-ish.”

Seungyoun wouldn’t say he “regretted” it because of how fantastic the sex was. However, if one thing that he would feel regret about, was the fact that he made out with his “best friend’s” boyfriend. And for that, there was already no way back.

“No, I don’t feel regret,” Seungyoun answered, firmly.

And the next thing he knew, Wooseok grabbed his nape and kissed him heavily on the lips. The relief and reassurance in this kiss were so strong yet soothing. Seungyoun naturally hugged Wooseok back, actively reciprocated it, making his way into the younger’s mouth deeper and harder. They shared the kiss, breathed into each other, and neither of them wanted to withdraw first.

“Hyung, can we have sex now? One more time…” Wooseok said weakly.

“No,” Seungyoun rejected him.

“Because it’s ‘unfair.’ You need to tell me another truth now.”

Wooseok knew what Seungyoun meant. Although he was a little disappointed, he had no excuse anymore.

“Ok, I’ll tell you about how I got to know you before,” Wooseok sighed, “I first ‘met’ you on your cyworld page.”

“How did you find me in the first place?”

“By chance. I liked your profile picture.”

“That’s it?” Seungyoun was confused. His profile picture was just a black and white self-portrait. No, it wasn’t even that, it was a portion of that self-portrait--it was cropped to only show his jawline to the chin.

“I don’t know. I just got interested in your account and then I clicked on your page and started examining it. Also, I read your journals. They were fun.”

“No you didn’t!” Seungyoun felt so embarrassed. He can’t believe someone would actually read his blog posts during maybe high school years, and find them interesting… He was so regretful that he didn’t delete them.

“You are blushing, hyung. But anyway, here’s the full story: I wanted to apply for this art school so I went to its bulletin on cyworld. Then, I saw a group photo on the timeline, and my eyes were instantly locked on this one person whose jawline and chin was too easy for me to recognize,” Wooseok giggled and then continued, “You were holding a classic Rolleiflex camera and… you looked so different from others in the photo. I felt that your aura didn’t really fit with the rest.”

“Was that a compliment or what?” Seungyoun asked but he was actually more shocked by the fact that someone would really notice him by a cropped profile photo?

“Turned out the person who posted the group photo was Hangyul. Since I had some questions about the school application, I started contacting him more. But you know, he was so passionate about helping others and I ended up giving him a lot of my information… One day he found me on a gay app, and as you know, he started chasing me.”

“Oh well…” Seungyoun replied awkwardly, but then he suddenly stopped because a late realization hit him: Where was Seungwoo back then?

“So… emm… at that time, had Seungwoo already passed away?” He asked carefully.

“Yes, he was gone,” Wooseok said, calmly, “That was why I wanted to study abroad. I had nothing left in Korea.”


	18. Chapter 18

Seungyoun didn’t say anything. He decided to hug Wooseok tighter. This was probably the only time that he felt comfortable taking the initiative when with him. In the dark, in the car. He didn’t have to think too much about how useless he was, how incapable he was. Right now, he was the only person who could bring Wooseok safety and love.

But the other side of him recognized that this thought was exactly what made him “useless.” Based on his personality, he would never ask too much about someone’s past, not to mention that Wooseok would usually change topic quickly when talking about Seungwoo, making Seungyoun wonder if what he said was true, or whether he really wanted to share a story about Seungwoo to others. But the thing was, Seungyoun was helplessly interested in Seungwoo, or Chestnut.

Wooseok suddenly looked up at Seungyoun, somehow with a judging face, “Hyung, aren’t you a little suspicious about what I just said?”

“What do you mean? Like, do you really believe that I found your cyworld ‘by chance’?”

Seungyoun had his doubts but then what could he be doubting about? If Wooseok said so, then that was that Wooseok wanted him to know. However, now that Wooseok asked, for some reason, Seungyoun began to have a scary thought in his mind and it was totally intuitive: maybe it was Seungwoo who knew him first.

And as if he had heard Seungyoun’s inner voice, Wooseok continued, “Yea, I knew you because of Seungwoo. He always checked your cyworld page. I got curious and jealous, so I started to go to your page a lot, too.”

This felt so weird and creepy. Why would Seungwoo know him? Seungyoun was pretty sure he never ever met a guy named Seungwoo.

“Errr, don’t tell me that you guys would read my embarrassing blogs together and discuss how stupid I was…”

“Shut up, hyung. What have you been thinking? Seungwoo wasn’t a mean person. We did sit together and read your posts and appreciated your photos though.”

Ugh… Seungyoun wished he had a spare hand to give himself a facepalm right now. It’s embarrassing. He didn’t want to believe that he was in this couple’s relationship since a long time ago.

“But we both loved your works, hyung. Seungwoo especially loved your photography and I remember him saying, ‘why did he stop updating the album?’” Wooseok said matter-of-factly but to Seungyoun, it sounded like a lie. Because he couldn’t believe a random person would just discover his online webpage and fall in love with his photography works. He was not that good for sure. However, Seungyoun didn’t want to stick to this topic anymore because it was quite meaningless. Maybe he should just accept the “fact” that Wooseok provided, even if it was a lie, at least it would what Wooseok wanted him to know.

But suddenly, Wooseok asked, “Don’t you want to know how he died?”

Seungyoun was taken aback but of course, he wanted to know.

Wooseok didn’t wait for Seungyoun’s response. Since he was literally in Seungyoun’s arms, he just muttered while clinging to his chest, “I lived with him since I was 16.”

This wasn’t a surprise to Seungyoun, because he could tell from the photos in Seungwoo’s portfolio in the library.

“Ok,” Seungyoun answered.

“My parents divorced when I was a kid, so my mom sent me to a boarding school. I met Seungwoo when I was 15. He was already a university student majoring in art but he came to my school often because my teacher was his uncle.” Wooseok slightly sighed and continued, “Every time he came, he would carry a DSLR and a dual-reflex camera, well, the same type that you held in the group photo posted by Hangyul. Our school had a large area of barren grass, he liked to go there to shoot things. I always saw him alone there when I was having PE class, with a tripod. I thought he was cool, so I was always secretly watching him until I went to follow him later.”

“Really? I thought you were popular and wouldn’t be chasing someone else,” Seungyoun said.

“Well, many girls gave me love letters, but I had no interest in them. But Seungwoo, he was probably the first one who I had a crush on. He made me feel like nothing mattered anymore, I just wanted to approach him, to get close to him.”

Wooseok was visibly getting more excited when thinking about Seungwoo, meanwhile Seungyoun sighed internally, wondering if this was what he really wanted to know.

“And so I became close to him, and then he started to take photos of me. I didn’t know at first that he was actually an oil-painting major. Photography was just his hobby. Anyway, he would sneak to our school at night to meet me, take photos of me, and bring me to his apartment. There was a darkroom in his apartment which was really cool, and I learned a lot about art with him. One day I told him that I might also apply for an art school for college.”

After hearing this, Seungyoun was pretty sure that he was right about the real identity of Wooseok’s white paintings. Those obsessive and compulsive lines were painted by Seungwoo instead. Wooseok just inherited the style and continued Seungwoo’s artist life.

“And then the next year I begged to move into his apartment,” Wooseok said, “his apartment was near my school. And I really needed him at that point. Also, I believed that he needed me too.” Wooseok suddenly lowered his voice as if he fell back in thoughts again. But in fact, he was actually reminded of Seungyoun’s reaction when he saw his dark paintings for the first time in the studio. That expression looked familiar, and now he finally realized, the way Seungyoun suddenly looked so obsessed and anxious as if lost in a dark fantasy, was exactly like Seungwoo.

“Hyung, do you not want me to continue?” Wooseok asked because he noticed that Seungyoun had been quiet.

“Emm… no, I mean, don’t push yourself to tell me more if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“I’m ok. I just thought this would be ‘fair’ to you. You said that you didn’t know me but I seem to know you a lot, and I don’t want you to feel this way anymore.” Wooseok explained candidly.

Seungyoun felt happy to hear this. He’s happy that Wooseok actually took his words seriously, even though at first he acted naughtily. It’s good to know that in fact, Wooseok cared about him a lot. Although Seungyoun thought it was definitely not “love,” like, romantically speaking “love.”

“Seungwoo went to study abroad after finishing 4-year of college in Seoul. My world collapsed instantly. He didn’t tell me anything and suddenly, he said he was going to America.”

“That was… unthoughtful…” Seungyoun commented.

“Yea. I was literally 17, not yet an adult, and he just left me like that haha.” Wooseok said half-jokingly.

“And then he came here? To this school?” Seungyoun asked.

“Yea, and he got into the photography department, which was his real passion.”

“Emm, let me see… so he must have already graduated when I came here, otherwise I would have known him.”

“It’s better that you don’t know him,” Wooseok said quickly and almost a little protectively.

Seungyoun sensed Wooseok’s possessiveness with Seungwoo in this reaction, so he didn’t ask why. And then Wooseok continued, “After he left, I still lived in his apartment. One day I woke up and checked all his social media as usual, but I suddenly found out that he posted suicide notes on every platform.”

“What?”

“Yea, I read it, and for the first time, I realized that he had been suffering a lot. Even with me, he was never really happy. I thought we were doing ok, we were having fun. But it was never enough for him I guess. And then he just ended himself in the US.”

“……” Seungyoun wanted to say something but nothing came out of his mouth.

“I think you may understand,” Wooseok kept going, “You reminded me of him a lot. Maybe that was why when I saw you in the group photo, I could never take my eyes of you.” Wooseok muttered, but then suddenly lifted up his voice higher, “You know, hyung, when I saw you at the airport picking me up, I was ecstatic! It was really you!”

The abrupt change of tone surprised Seungyoun but also within his prediction. Because Wooseok was always like this when he wanted to hide something or wanted to end a topic. And that was perfectly fine for Seungyoun because Wooseok had told his enough, enough about Seungwoo, and enough about his own painful past.

“Well, you looked stunning when I first met you on that day,” Seungyoun complimented back.

“Haha, thanks.”

“But you were sleeping all the way that day.”

“I was carsick, maybe due to the time lag. And also I was super nervous that day.”

“What?”

“You know why! I wanted to know you and you were right there, ok?”

Seungyoun smiled.

_Ok, he wanted to know me, but what’s next? Am I a replacement for Seungwoo? Am I going to be happy if it’s really the case?_

Seungyoun knew that he was afraid of losing Wooseok’s dependence on him. He also knew that he was eager to have his feeling for Wooseok confirmed, validated, but Wooseok never made him feel secure.

He also knew, even though Wooseok had told him enough about Seungwoo, it was actually more of an understatement with a lot of concealment. He dared not imagine what role the two of them had played in each other’s lives, especially those photos taken by Seungwoo clearly showed more stories between them. And they felt like a slap on the face because he was such an outsider.

It wasn’t the best feeling after sex in the car, for sure.

“Let’s go home, it’s late. There is no point to examine the site for my project today,” Seungyoun sat up a little bit and said.

“Ok.”

Wooseok also moved away from him, apparently deciding to sit in the back for the rest of the drive home.

Seungyoun went back to the driver’s seat. It was chilly so he turned on the heat and hit the road. He didn’t even look in the rear mirror until stopping at the first traffic light. And then he found that Wooseok was leaning on the door with his eyes closed.

When they arrived at Hangyul’s apartment, Wooseok was still sleeping. Seungyoun had to pat his head from the front, softy calling his name.

“Hyung? We arrived?” Wooseok yawned.

“Yea, I’m not going up, sorry.”

“Hyung, I feel cold.” Wooseok didn’t seem to be ready to leave.

“What?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I got a cold?” Wooseok rubbed his forehead and turned on the ceiling light. Indeed, his face looked pretty red.

Seungyoun touched his forehead to check the temperature and damn, it was really hot.

“Sorry, Seokie, I should have given you another blanket in the back,” Seungyoun panicked. He then ran out of his seat and opened Wooseok’s door, wrapping the blanket around him, “I’ll send you up.”

“Thank you, hyung.”

Wooseok really didn’t wear much today and after being half-naked most of the time in the car and swallowed some cold wind on a late autumn night, the fever came as no surprise. Seungyoun felt so guilty. If he didn’t ask Wooseok out to that stupid factory site, none of this would have happened, nothing about that sex, nothing about Seungwoo.

Moreover, under the streetlight, he suddenly noticed there was a red biting mark on Wooseok’s neck. Fuck, this is so messed up.

Wooseok leaned his body against Seungyoun as if he had lost all his strength. Seungyoun held his shoulder tightly and almost lifted up the stairs and finally stood in front of Hangyul’s apartment. He pressed the bell, but no one answered.

Seungyoun pressed again, even yelled Hangyul’s name, but still, no one seemed to be inside.

Wooseok slowly reached his pocket and found a key, even though he was also surprised that Hangyul wasn’t home today.

They opened the door, indeed, the whole space was dark.

“Where the hell is him?” Seungyoun wondered. But then for some reason, he had a bad feeling.

He then assisted Wooseok to go into his bedroom, Wooseok immediately collapsed in bed and breathed heavily. Seungyoun looked around, it was his first time entering Wooseok’s room and it was a quite lovely space with a lot of plushies and small lights.

“I’ll get you some warm water. It’s my turn to take care of you now.” Seungyoun said, remembering last time he was the one being all sick and in bed. Wooseok nodded because he didn’t have the strength to talk back.

It took Seungyoun a while to navigate in the big kitchen, and also try to find out the medicine box amongst a lot of cupboards and drawers. When he finally went back to Wooseok’s room with meds and a cup of hot water, Wooseok already fell asleep again. However, he looked very tense, he was frowning and his fingers were intertwined above his belly. He was not relaxed at all.

Seungyoun’s heart went soft. He touched Wooseok’s forehead again and stared at his long lashes. “I’m sorry, Seok.” He whispered. Would you feel better if Chestnut were with you now?

Seungyoun stayed for a while but still decided to call Hangyul back. Although, well, he just had sex with his boyfriend.

He pulled out his phone, dialed the familiar number, but strangely, no one answered. Knowing that Hangyul could never leave his phone, this was definitely weird. Also, he had a major class tomorrow morning so it would be weird that he was out partying on this specific night.

_Maybe he’s mad at me that I didn’t pick up his call a while ago?_ Seungyoun wondered. He then decided to text mutual friends just to make sure. Seungyoun didn’t like the notification feature on their chatting app so he would just check it whenever he felt like it. However, the moment he opened his chatting app, there were already 20+ unread messages from Mari and another guy.

_Fuck, something’s wrong, very wrong here._

“Seungyoun oppa, where are you?”

“Seungyoun oppa, Hangyul oppa is in the hospital!!”

“Seungyoun, can you come to XX hospital whenever you see my message?”

Fuck.

Seungyoun rushed out of Wooseok’s room. _Accident? What kind of accident? Can these people just tell me more? And they even spilled the hospital name wrong!_ Luckily he could guess where it was. He drove fast on the road while trying to call Mari, but the signal was surprisingly bad that night. When he finally reached the lobby of the hospital, the call was finally connected.

“Oppa! You’re finally here?! Oh my god….” Mari was sobbing.

“Calm down, Mari, what’s wrong? Where are you? Where’s Hangyul?”

“I, I… Just scold me, oppa. It was all my fault…” Mari cried on the phone.

“Come on don’t tell me he’s dead???”

“He, he’s alive,” Mari, “we are on the third floor…”

“Ok stay here, I’m coming now.” It’s good to know that Hangyul was alive, at least. Seungyoun ran to the elevator, and for one second he wondered why he didn’t know it earlier. But then he just wanted to slap himself on the face because, of course, he was fucking his best friend’s boyfriend in the car and those unwelcomed calls from Hangyul were definitely calls for help!

The elevator door opened again, and Mari was right in front of him, leading him to the room. She was no longer crying but her eyes were swollen. The moment Seungyoun saw Hangyul in bed, he felt like he was struck by a huge bell or something.

Hangyul’s head was swollen with a bulge, his left eye was completely invisible due to the squeeze. The rest of his face was wrapped up with white gauze and adhesive tape, no different from a mummy. In addition, his hands were in a cast, and the lower half of his body was not injured much.

Apparently, it was a car accident.

“Oppa, sorry, it was all my fault…” Mari waited until Seungyoun scanned Hangyul’s whole being and started crying again, “I, I was supposed to go to the airport for Korea, but I had too many suitcases, so I asked both Gyul oppa and Wenhan oppa to drive their cars and send me to the airport… I ended up sitting with Wenhan oppa and this happened to Hangyul oppa…” Mari sounded devastated and cried even harder.

“Err… don’t cry, don’t cry,” Seungyoun awkwardly comforted her and pulled out a tissue from the box on the table. Meanwhile, he indeed felt a little upset about the fact that she called both of them to just be her driver. It would be much easier to just ship the boxes, for sure. However, it wasn’t her fault when Hangyul was involved in a car accident.

However, Hangyul was actually a very good driver. He was the one who taught Seungyoun’s drive. So how come he was in an accident? At this time, Mari said, “He hit a deer on the highway. The deer died instantly and his whole car went upside-down. Thank god the injuries were not severe. He may look scary but those could be recovered in a short time. He broke one arm, that was the worst part.”

“Oh my god!” Seungyoun gasped. He was scared, angry, and of course, super worried about his best friend. It was such a relief to know that the injuries were not fatal, even though at this point Hangyul was still in a coma, and could not really talk to anyone.

Suddenly, Mari’s voice sounded behind him, “So Seungyoun oppa, where were you? Hangyul oppa was screaming your name while in the ambulance, so I called using his phone but you never picked it up …”


	19. Chapter 19

Seungyoun was devastated. How could he face his “best friend” for the rest of his life? He might not like Hangyul that much but Hangyul was someone he might not live without either. When hearing that Hangyul was calling his name while on the ambulance, Seungyoun was totally in despair.

“I… I was busy with a project just now so I didn’t hear the phone,” Seungyoun answered Mari, trying to sound natural. He avoided looking back at her because maybe the panic and guilt on his face would betray him immediately. Mari also didn’t say more. Actually, after her failed confession to Seungyoun on her birthday, it was not easy to stay in the space with him either.

“Are you staying here tonight?” Seungyoun asked.

“Emmm, I don’t know,” Mari seemed hesitant and Seungyoun sensed the uneasiness immediately. Yea she might want to stay here longer but she’s not Hangyul’s girlfriend so it would be awkward to stay overnight. Seungyoun then said, “Just go home and take some rest. You must be scared, too. I’ll take care of him tonight.”

“Ok, I’ll come tomorrow morning and bring some breakfast,” Mari said thankfully but then when her eyes met Seungyoun’s, she sealed her lips abruptly. Because Seungyoun looked scary; he looked like he was angry at her, who engaged Hangyul in this car accident. However, what she didn’t know was that Seungyoun looked “scary” or because he had too much going on on his mind, he had enough to worry about, to feel guilty about, and yea, maybe he was just a little bit angry at the girl who was too dependent on guys. But no, mostly, he was hating himself for being the worst “friend” on this entire earth.

After Mari closed the door, Seungyoun finally let out a long sigh but then hid his face inside his palms. There were just him and Hangyul in the room. It was so quiet.

Hangyul was breathing peacefully. Indeed, he was really lucky to have just hurt one arm and the rest were just external traumatic injuries, so in addition to the bandages which made him look like a mummy right now, a good recuperation should soon make him better.

But for Seungyoun, the initial guilt had become a sense of sadness—because he had never seen Hangyul like this. Well, not meaning like “this severely injured,” but like this sick, vulnerable, and weak. Hangyul had always been the most reliable person for him. This might sound fake giving how much Seungyoun didn’t like his personality, but when he needed help, Hangyul was always there. He would never get mad at Seungyoun and sometimes he would act like a mom who cared about Seungyoun too much. He seemed like he was not afraid of anything, anyone. He knew his goal and he would just go for it. He would never show people his weak side, but always laugh, being energetic, and friendly…

Also, every time when Hangyul was drunk from a party, he would always call Seungyoun to pick him up, no one else. Seungyoun didn’t know why but Hangyul just seemed to like him so much, “like” as a “friend,” of course. Anyway, Hangyul might be a social butterfly but there was always a special spot for Seungyoun. He knew Seungyoun needed it, and he knew Seungyoun didn’t like certain occasions so he had to save one just for the bestie. 

Seungyoun also remembered the first and only time that he went to a gay bar, and it was with Hangyul. Back then they were traveling in a nearby town and Hangyul really wanted to explore the Stripe District. Hangyul ordered a pint of beer that night, Seungyoun just had one sip because he had to drive later, and then both of them leaned against the bar people-watching and gossiping. Although Seungyoun was a little worried about the environment at first, it was actually manageable. He did receive some interest from men passing by, but Hangyul was being protective, so he was ok. As the music on the dance floor got louder and louder, they moved on to another room, discovering a granny was playing billiard with a bunch of half-naked men... Those were some craziest memories Seungyoun had ever had. That night, as they were ready to go home, it started to rain heavily. They parked their car far away so they had to run to the inside parking lot. They ended up all soaked, standing under the rain shelter laughing at their own silliness and trying to catch up some breaths.

“Thanks for accompanying me to come here,” Hangyul said, unexpectedly.

“Yea, you should. This was purely to satisfy your interest,” Seungyoun pretended to be mad even though both of them were just looking at the rain and thinking about their own things.

“Bro, you really don’t like to make friends, do you? So, you only have me as a friend. How can you survive without me?” Hangyul said, half-jokingly.

“Stop being obnoixous,” Seungyoun said. However, deep inside, he knew Hangyul was not entirely being annoying. Hangyul was his only friend here, in this foreign country, foreign town.

So strangely, just like this, Seungyoun sat by Hangyul’s hospital bed and recalled that night's memory. It wasn’t really that special considering they had done some other crazy shit together, but somehow, he remembered this episode so clearly. He remembered someone giving him a very sexual gaze near the dance floor, remembered the coolest granny who, for some reason, appeared in a gay bar; he remembered them running in the pouring rain, and eventually, he drove the wasted Hangyul home around 3am.

The hospital room was still so silent. And he smiled, bitterly, “you idiot, my best friend.”

***

When Hangyul woke up in the middle of the night, he could feel someone’s weight was on him. But because of his swollen eyes, he couldn’t see clearly. The movement woke Seungyoun up, too. He rubbed his eyes and then, he saw Hangyul was looking at him in a very difficult position.

“Seungyoun…” It was Hangyul who said the first word.

“Yes, I’m here. You ok? Any pain?”

“Seungyoun, so you are here…” Hangyul had a tiny smile on the edge of his lips, “I want to drink water.”

“Sure,” Seungyoun quickly stood up and grabbed the bottle near the bed. He put in a straw inside and moved it to Hangyul’s mouth since the latter had his hands casted. Hangyul took a few sips and then begin talking again, “I hit a deer. Damn it, did he want to die???”

“Well, he died,” Seungyoun said, but then realized it was not a good time to answer this way. However, that’s just how they communicate on a daily basis, maybe? Anyway, it was nice to see that Hangyul could talk in a normal sound and even pretty energetic.

“Ah, by the way, you didn’t tell my parents about this, did you?” Hangyul was alerted.

“Not yet.”

“How about Wooseok? Did he know? He didn’t, right? I didn’t ask them to call him.”

Seungyoun had a minor heart attack when hearing the name but then realized that the reason Hangyul didn’t want Wooseok to know was because of his so-called “pride”… as he said, “Wooseok would look down upon me for hitting a deer on the road… I always brag about how well I drive… and now I’m like, killing a deer on the road and staying in the hospital like a loser.”

“What the hell? You almost died and now you worried about your image as a good driver?” Seungyoun gasped in disbelief.

“Emm… that’s true… but still!!!” Hangyul became very clingy and whiny, “I should let him rely on me, not the other way around. I should be the strong one, the trustworthy one.”

Seungyoun was surprised, for the first time he realized that the pressure that Hangyul had put on himself was insane, but also, unnecessary.

“It’s ok, friend. You will live a prosperous life after this big accident,” Seungyoun said, “Anyway, I think you should get back to sleep. You talked too much.”

Hangyul smiled like a child, “How did you know I want to hear you say that? Say that I’ll have a good life onward since I didn’t die this time?”

“Because I know you too well,” Seungyoun rolled his eyes.

“Ah, I want to use the bathroom, can you help me?” Hangyul then said.

“I can give you a… spittoon… so you don’t have to leave your bed and pee.”

“Shut up, Seungyoun! I will never use that thing!!! I have my dignity to maintain!” Hangyul seemed so offended.

Seungyoun wanted to laugh, because Hangyul was quite funny even when he was injured badly. Seungyoun thus went ahead and pulled Hangyul up, but then there was still a bit of distance from the bathroom. Although Hangyul could walk, his whole being was very weak and unbalanced. So as soon as he stood up, he fell into Seungyoun’s arms.

“Fine, I’ll just carry you there.” Seungyoun immediately carried him up in a “princess” way.

“Wait! Wait! What are you doing?”

“It’s easier this way, bro. You think I want to do this?” Seungyoun grunted.

“It’s just embarrassing!” Hangyul yelled.

“No one’s watching though,” Seungyoun then let Hangyul down. However, another problem came up soon. Hangyul’s hands were in the cast and it would still be hard to… pee.

“Seriously???” When Seungyoun realized what he had to do, he really just wanted to leave and call in the nurse.

“Noooo!!! Don’t leave me here!!!! Seungyoun!!! Bestie!!!! I can’t let the nurse help me pee!!!” Hangyul cried.

“Urgh…. Fine…”

The chaos went on for another few minutes and finally, Seungyoun put Hangyul back in bed. What followed was Hangyul’s whining and fake crying again, “uwuuuuuu….. I don’t want to live anymore…. uwuuuuuuwuw…..”

“What the fuck?”

“I look terrible! How can I live with this ugly face???”

“It’s just swollen. Your face will be fine soon! The doctor said so.”

“No!!!! I don’t believe what the doctor said. This is a huuuuuge bag, so ugly!!! I’m going to die!!!! I will need to do plastic surgery to bring my handsome face back!!!!!!”

“Lee Hangyul, can you not???” Seungyoun couldn’t believe this was a guy who just had a near-death accident. Why was he so energetic in the middle of the night???

“What time is it?”

“4 am.”

“Uwuuuuuueueuww I miss my Wooseokie... He must be sleeping right now… wuwwuwuw cutie…”

This time, though, Seungyoun also began to think about Wooseok, wondering the same question, whether he was sleeping or feeling bad from the fever? He felt weird now. The intimacy he shared with Hangyul due to the accident felt like an uncalled reconciliation with his inner guilt, and on the other side, Wooseok felt like an alternative universe in his life, that he could just think about when needed.

“Thank you for being here, bro.” Hangyul eventually calmed down and said these words in the sincerest way, which made Seungyoun feel a little weird.

“Don’t be so cheesy. I just did what I had to do,” Seungyoun looked at the wall and muttered. Meanwhile, he suddenly recalled Hangyul’s words from before: “how can you survive without me?” … _so now, can I prove that you need me, too? Or am I paying you back?_

The next morning, it was the nurse who woke them up.

“Ma’am, how long does it take to recover?” Hangyul tried to point at the big swollen part above his eye.

“Emm, about two weeks.”

“That’s not bad,” Seungyoun commented.

“Shut up! Two freaking weeks! How am I going to see my Seokie? Like this??? He’ll break up with me instantly after seeing how ugly I am now!!!”

“He won’t.” Seungyoun said, “He’s more than that…”

And amongst the chaos, Mari came in.

“Oppa, you are awake!!! Oh my god you are talking!!!” Mari was clearly very surprised, happy, and dramatic at the same time. She then turned to Seungyoun, “Seungyoun oppa, thank you so much for staying overnight. I’m sorry…”

“No need to apologize. And thanks for the breakfast…”

“Hey, Mari, you didn’t tell Seok about me, right?” Hangyul chimed in.

“I didn’t. Don’t worry. Also, I just saw your doctor and he said you can be discharged from here in three days??? That’s so fast!”

“Well, yea, because no big injuries…” Hangyul said. Indeed, the bandage on his face was all removed this morning. His face still looked a little scary because of the bulge and some purple scars, but at least he could talk and walk.

“But when you get home in three days, Wooseok will see you,” Seungyoun said.

“Ah shit, that’s true!”

“Hahaha, oppa you are so silly!” Mari laughed at Hangyul.

However, in the meantime, Seungyoun thought about Wooseok again. It’s been a whole night, and wouldn’t it be weird that Wooseok didn’t even call his boyfriend Hangyul about his whereabouts? Or, the only possibility is that he’s still sick in bed due to the fever and couldn’t make a call?

Seungyoun decided to send Wooseok a message, however, the moment he got his phone, Wooseok’s call came in. Seungyoun almost threw the phone away, but since Hangyul and Mari were still talking happily, he sneaked out of the room and answered it.

“Hyung,” a weak voice came from the speaker.

“Are you feeling ok?”

“Hyung, why did you leave me last night?”

Wooseok’s voice was husky due to the sickness, and his question sounded so helpless, which made Seungyoun’s heart ache. He looked inside, and wondered if he should tell Wooseok the truth.

“I—”

“Sorry, hyung,” Wooseok cut him off, “It was my fault yesterday… If you don’t want to see me for a while, that’s totally fine. I can bear this distance…” Wooseok then started coughing.

“No, what are you talking about?” Seungyoun panicked when he heard Wooseok apologizing. His almost forgotten guilt from last night finally rose again in his body. Wooseok wasn’t wrong. Yea he “invited” him to have sex in the car, but then it was himself who didn’t refuse and eventually hurt Wooseok, making him sick…

“Don’t think too much, ok? Just take your medicine and sleep more. You’ll be fine.”

“Ah, wait, hyung… I think Hangyul didn’t come back last night… do you maybe know...”

Seungyoun frowned. He looked back in the patient room--Hangyul and Mari began to notice his missing--and so he whispered to the phone, “He stayed in school all night for a project.”

“And where are you now, hyung?”

“I’m at school, too. Now you should go back to rest. And I’ll bring him to you later, ok?”

The call ended.


	20. Chapter 20

When Seungyoun walked into the room again, he saw Mari was holding the straw and was about to feed Hangyul some water. She was quite embarrassed when Seungyoun came in but Seungyoun was rather unbothered. He walked to them and said, “Gyul, I think you should tell Wooseok.”

“Why?” Hangyul asked.

“He must be worried about you. You’ve been away all night, after all.”

“Did he call you just now?”

Seungyoun nodded.

“Why didn’t he call me?”

“Maybe you didn’t hear it? Where’s your phone?” Seungyoun tried to act normal.

“That’s true, where’s my phone?” Glad Hangyul was dumb.

Mari then said, “Ah, sorry, last night I think I put it in your bag after you asked me to call Seungyoun oppa. I’m getting it for you.”

Hangyul seemed stunned for half a second but then said, “It’s ok. My hand can’t hold a phone anyway.”

Mari thus sat back again and put down the water bottle, “Hangyul oppa, you know, now it’s actually good timing for you and Wooseok to strengthen your relationship. You look so poor and powerless and he will take more care of you.”

“But you know, when you really love someone, you don’t want them to be worried about you at all. I need to protect him. I only had a car accident, and I don’t want to act like a crybaby in front of him and beg for sympathy.” Hangyul explained as if his thoughts were the truth of life.

Seungyoun listened, but then thought about how clingy Hangyul was last night begging him for help. He thus rolled his eyes and smiled. He knew Hangyul would only show his weak side to him. He wanted to be the hero on the outside, but he did have a soft part within himself.

Mari finally left. And the room again only had them.

“Do you feel hurt anywhere?” Seungyoun asked.

“Everywhere. My hands, my head.” Hangyul answered honestly.

See, he’s back to be candid once the girl left. Seungyoun thought.

“Do you want me to call the nurse? Or you want to take a nap?” Seungyoun stood up.

However, Hangyul didn’t answer. Instead, he said, “Seungyoun, what if I died yesterday? In that case, I wouldn’t even see you once before I die…”

“Huh? Why are you saying this now? You are safe. You are fine. Don’t think about those ‘what-ifs.’” Seungyoun sounded startled.

“But… you know, I’ve been thinking about the accident. I don’t remember much. I was listening to music while driving and then maybe I hit something, or maybe not. But when I realized, I was already surrounded by airbags. I didn’t feel pain. I was sober. Then I felt pain when they lifted me onto the ambulance.”

“I said don’t think about it,” Seungyoun said but he couldn’t help but imagined the scene described by Hangyul.

“… And on the ambulance I was thinking, I must not die. I finally made Wooseok my boyfriend, how can I die now? So I thought I must not tell him about the accident. I didn’t want him to be worried about me. You know, he’s a sensitive and fragile person, and because of the death of Seungwoo… I don’t want to trigger his bad memories…”

Now Seungyoun was more understanding. At first, he thought Hangyul was just trying to be tough but now he realized there was consideration for Wooseok’s mental condition… He felt sorry that he thought too simply about Hangyul.

Hangyul then continued, “I also thought on the ambulance, if I died, you would be the only one who could take care of the whole thing… You have my parents’ contact information and we’ve been together for the longest time… So maybe you could help them with the funeral… Well, although you are pretty useless sometimes, I only thought about you during emergency… but then I also worried, what if you couldn’t manage it without me…”

“Hangyul please shut up,” Seungyoun frowned but deep inside, he was very moved.

Hangyul laughed, “How come I was quite sober on the ambulance? Was that the hallucination you see before you die?”

Seungyoun shook his head and didn’t want to follow his crazy thoughts anymore. He could even imagine him talking about the accident as if it was a heroic movie to someone else, someone less intimate.

“Actually, I’m not that ‘useless’ as you think as I am,” Seungyoun then said, “sometimes I’m just lazy.”

“You are not lazy when you study. You can stay in the darkroom all day and never talk to anyone,” Hangyul said.

“I like the darkroom. It’s quiet. No one’s in.”

“That’s why I’m so worried about you! In this society, no one’s gonna spend time trying to understand you and explore you. If someday you have an emergency and I happen to not be there, I’m worried that you can’t even find someone to save you.”

Hangyul wasn’t lying though. Seungyoun actually felt warm by his words because the two of them hadn’t been having a sincere conversation like this in a long while. However, Hangyul was also making him feel bad about himself, so he said, “Ok, enough, can you say something good about me?”

“I was just being honest, bro. I think you really need to open yourself more and embrace people. Or maybe you should consider having a girlfriend. You know you used to have one… ah, never mind. Or, how about Mari?”

“What the hell Hangyul? Why are you suddenly jumping to this topic? I’m fine being alone,” Seungyoun raised his voice.

“Ok ok, I’ll stop. I know you would get mad when I mention this. But you see, we human beings need someone beside us to survive. I need someone; Wooseok needs someone; and you need someone, too.”

“Fine, I think you should sleep now,” Seungyoun stopped his preaching.

“See, what I mean is, I can’t be with you all your life…”

“Ok mom stop,” Seungyoun threw his hands in the air.

When Hangyul finally decided to sleep, someone knocked on the door. Seungyoun said “come in” since he thought it was just the nurse knocking out of courtesy.

However, as the door opened and Seungyoun turned around, he was in shock.

It was Wooseok.

It was cold outside but there were visible sweats on Wooseok’s forehead.

Hangyul wasn’t looking this way and he also thought it was the nurse, so he didn’t even move. However, Seungyoun was also quite panicky, he stood up and asked, “Why are you here?”

“Who?” Hangyul then realized something unusual. But before anyone said anything, Wooseok directly pushed Seungyoun aside and kneeled down beside Hangyul’s bed, yelling: “Lee Hangyul!!!”

Hangyul instantly had an electric shock, he turned around and saw the person he didn’t want to see the most right now.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Lee Hangyul? Do you want to die?” Wooseok seemed so mad.

It was the first time for Seungyoun to see Wooseok shouting at this volume. Usually, he spoke in one-third of the current level… Thus he was a little dumbfounded.

“I don’t want to die. I want you.” Hangyul was quick to come up with a cheesy pickup line to ease the tension. However, Wooseok wasn’t impressed at all. He then turned to Seungyoun, angrily, “Seungyoun hyung! Why didn’t you tell me the truth? If I didn’t bump into Wenhan hyung, I wouldn’t even know Hangyul is here dying!!!”

Seungyoun wanted to explain it was Hangyul who didn’t allow him to tell the truth, but then it would probably make him very useless. In the meantime, he said to Wooseok, “Why are you coming here? You are still sick.”

However, the moment he said it, both he and Wooseok had a second of panic. Because why would Seungyoun know he’s sick? Unless…

But thankfully Hangyul was dumb… he muttered under his thick comforter, “Wenhan sold me… I told him to not tell anyone except the teacher…”

Wooseok heard it, and immediately jumped at Hangyul, “You idiot! Why would you want to hide from me? What if you died? I would live in guilt all my life, ok? I would think I don’t deserve anyone because I’ll just make them die…” Wooseok almost cried, and he grabbed the comforter and tried to see Hangyul’s face. However, the latter immediately screamed, “No! Don’t look at me! I look terrible right now and you’ll be disgusted!”

“Even so I still need to see you!” Wooseok used all his strength to pull the quilt open.

“Ahhhh---” to say Hangyul was being dramatic was probably an understatement because he sounded like he was being killed.

However, the moment Wooseok saw his face, his eyes turned red, and his hand which was holding the bedrail was slightly shaking. He bit his own lips tightly, trying to hold up his tears, and after a few seconds, he finally cried, “Lee Hangyul I hate you!!!” He then leaned down and hugged Hangyul in bed.

Seungyoun saw the whole drama and decided to go outside and get some warm water, just to give them more private time. 

Although they had known each other for not too long, Seungyoun had actually always felt that Wooseok only showed a different side in front of himself. Somewhere deep in Seungyoun’s heart, he thought Wooseok liked him more than Hangyul. He had even believed that Wooseok had only chosen to be with Hangyul because he was afraid of being lonely, and thus he was not taking Hangyul too seriously.

However, he had never seen Wooseok lose his temper so harshly like that, and his trembling body, the way he was holding back tears, made him look so affectionate and beautiful than ever, and most importantly, the Kim Wooseok in front of Lee Hangyul seemed more real, like a corporal person, not a phantom that was so mysterious and surreal in front of him—Cho Seungyoun. And perhaps, Seungyoun thought, the same level of realness was something that he could never achieve. After all, when they were together, there was always something that felt very heavy, nerve-wracking, and painful.

Seungyoun fetched a full bottle of warm water, and the moment he pushed open the door, he saw Wooseok was holding Hangyul’s head, gently covering his lips on the bruise on the Hangyul’s forehead.

Seungyoun silently closed the door and walked towards the end of the corridor.

Who did he think he was? He was nothing. He was just a third party in his best friend’s perfect relationship. 


	21. Chapter 21

Seungyoun went outside and decided to smoke. It was quite a gloomy and windy day that it took him a while to light the cigarette.  
He kicked some leaves on the ground as if venting some anger, well, just a little bit.

In fact, if he wanted to self-reflect, he knew he would be a much worse person than Hangyul, or at least according to the social norms. Hangyul was someone who had a big heart. Even though sometimes it was just for his self-love and obnoxious pride, at least he was trying to be nice to everyone. He was also very selfless, always ready to devote himself. He wanted to make everyone happy and who didn’t like to be around someone like this?

How about Wooseok? Seungyoun thought that he wasn’t lying when he said he was not really into Hangyul. Everyone could tell that they didn’t match (or so he thought everyone could). Hangyul was down to the ground kind of person while Wooseok was so angelic. Also, if Wooseok liked someone like Chestnut, then there was no way he would suddenly change to love someone like Hangyul.  
But maybe that’s exactly why Wooseok chose Hangyul? –Seungyoun suddenly had an epiphany—he wanted to be with someone that’s totally different, that loves him more than he loves back. A normal person, no matter practical or ethereal, wouldn’t reject the ardent love from someone else. And that was exactly what Hangyul had been offering to Wooseok… Seungyoun thought that if possible, Hangyul could even pull his heart out as a gift for someone he loves.

Ahh… it’s really complicated. Seungyoun finished the third cigarette and went back to the patient’s room. This time, it was Wooseok who came open the door for him. Seungyoun couldn’t read what’s on Wooseok’s face. It was kind of blank.

“Emm… it’s almost noon… I’m going to take off. I have work in the library. Wooseok, are you going to stay here? I can take the shift tonight,” Seungyoun walked in and said, making sure that Hangyul could also hear him.  
“I can be here tonight. Hyung, you need to sleep. You didn’t sleep well last night, right?”  
“Seok, you still have a fever, you should go and let Seungyoun stay tonight,” Hangyul suddenly chimed in. Of course, he didn’t want his baby to get tired.  
Wooseok looked hesitant but Seungyoun nodded at him, reassuring him. So he finally agreed. “Ok, but tomorrow morning I’ll come to pick you home,” Wooseok said to Hangyul.  
“No need, either. Seungyoun has a car and he’ll send me home,” Hangyul said.  
Wooseok knew his boyfriend just didn’t want to cause more trouble to him but saying this in front of Seungyoun as if he’s a tool made him very uncomfortable if not angry. However, as he looked at Seungyoun again, the latter seemed totally unbothered, and even nodded again.  
He sighed and sat down without saying anything this time.

“I’m leaving. I’ll bring food tonight when I come back.” Seungyoun grabbed his jacket and opened the door.  
He didn’t even pull the whole jacket on when he left the room. He just laid it casually on his shoulder and walked toward the elevator. But as he reached the elevator, he heard some busy steps coming his way. The next thing he knew, Wooseok seized his loose sleeve and looked at him into the eyes.  
Seungyoun was stunned.  
But then, Wooseok just silently helped him wear that sleeve on while saying, “Sorry hyung, let me stay with him for these few days.”

Seungyoun was in shock because the way Wooseok whispered to him sound so mysterious. And next, Wooseok even rested his chin on his shoulder and gave him a hug.

“W, wait…” Seungyoun came back to his senses, “Why are you here?”  
“I told him I’m going to see you off.”  
“There’s no need to do this,” Seungyoun put down Wooseok’s hands and looked at him.  
“Actually, I was worried that you would be mad at me…” Wooseok lowered his voice and looked down at the floor.  
“Why would I?”  
“I’m sorry, hyung, I was… I didn’t have good manners to you just now.”  
Seungyoun was a little confused, “bad manner?” When? Did he mean just now in the patient room? Maybe he meant that he ignored me? However, it wasn’t a big deal for Seungyoun and before things got awkward, he said, “You know, it’s quite interesting to see the dynamic between you and Hangyul. I’ve never seen you being that angry.”  
Wooseok didn’t reply. Instead, he put his head on Seungyoun’s shoulder again, being clingy.  
This time Seungyoun smiled, “What are you doing?” He smiled because he finally got Wooseok’s action of chasing him to here, he liked how Wooseok said sorry because he had to spend time with Hangyul, he liked how Wooseok insisted on clinging on him, like a baby.

“I always scold him, it’s ok,” Wooseok whispered.  
“I can see that,” Seungyoun replied.  
“He’s annoying,” Wooseok continued.  
“But you like that,” Seungyoun followed.

Wooseok paused for a bit and then shook his head, “I don’t know… I was just worried that I’d lose him. See, I didn’t protect Seungwoo well, so if he died… I mean…”  
Seungyoun nodded and patted his back, “It’s ok, I understand.”  
“I think that I don't 'like' him… I’m just afraid of losing someone…”  
“Yes, yes, I know.” Seungyoun muttered, “Ok, now go back to him. I need to go, too.”

Seungyoun pressed the “down” button again but unfortunately, the elevator was on the 20th floor while he was on the third.  
“I’ll just take the stairs,” Seungyoun shrugged.  
“I’ll walk you there then,” Wooseok seemed happier than just now.

So they walked side by side again in the direction they had just come from, the walls in the corridor were fluorescent colored and the lights were clanging. When they walked past the nurse's station, Wooseok greeted a nurse.  
They even walked past Hangyul’s room. But once they passed it, Seungyoun felt his hand was suddenly held by Wooseok. It was not a normal "grip," it was more like an "exploratory" kind of touch. Wooseok gouged the palm of his hand and rubbed his thumb on Seungyoun’s knuckles.

“What’s wrong?”  
“I, I’m still worried that you are mad at me…” Wooseok looked uncertain.  
“I’ve never been mad at you.”  
“How about in the future?”  
“Emm… I think I’ll never get mad at you in the future either. And you know, I would be thankful if you will not be mad at me in the future too.”  
“So we’ll have a ‘future’???” Wooseok held Seungyoun’s hand tightly and asked excitedly.

Seungyoun looked at him, and a few seconds later, he said, "We probably will..."

Wooseok’s eyes were visibly “alive” again, shimmering like the brightest stars of the night.

When their hands were finally released, Seungyoun kissed Wooseok on the forehead, then pushed open the door to the stairwell and walked out. He went down three flights of stairs briskly, his heart still beating loudly. He used to wonder: if one day I disappear from your side, will you be equally anxious just as you were for Chestnut and even Hangyul? But now, all he wanted to know was: how could I ever let you go?

The next morning Hangyul could be discharged from the hospital. Seungyoun slept on the sofa chair next to his bed for the night and got up at seven o'clock with a sore body. It didn't take long for Mari to arrive and complete the discharge procedures. The nurses gave a little instruction to the three of them, basically saying "it's not a big deal," "you’re fine, "just pay attention in the future", and so on as if he didn’t have a car accident but a cold. American people’s optimism is quite interesting and effective, at least Hangyul seemed to be in good shape. The bandage on his head was all taken off, the swelling above his eye had also been reduced a lot. He still decided to wear a pair of sunglasses though.

Mari took care of all the fees and left for some other errands. Hangyul gladly saw her off and then turned to Seungyoun, “Can you bring me a wheelchair?”  
"What? There’s nothing wrong with your legs though?" But when he thought about it, Hangyul hadn't left his bed in the past few days and it might be hard for him to walk suddenly. So he went back to the nurse to borrow a wheelchair.

“Now can you take a photo of me?” Hangyul requested.  
"What?"  
"Just take a photo of me now, to keep as a souvenir, there is no chance later!"  
Seungyoun was speechless. See, this was exactly what made him sick of Hangyul sometimes. It’s just embarrassing. However, all he could do was automatically took out his phone and opened the camera. Well, as much as he hated it, it had become a habit to do whatever Hangyul asked him to do, maybe.

After taking a photo, Seungyoun helped him to get into the car. While driving, Seungyoun suddenly remembered that he seemed to have a trip coming up.  
"By the way, are we still going to Boston?"  
"No. I'm not going. I talked to my mentor on the phone yesterday and she was very worried about my condition and didn’t want me to go to that conference. They’ll probably send another colleague to do the presentation for my professor.”  
"That's the way it should be at the beginning," Seungyoun commented.  
"I'm sorry, bro, I was going to say the three of us were going to have some fun together, but it's a bust."  
“It’s ok,” Seungyoun said lightly but in fact, it was more like a relief for him.

Hangyul was surprisingly quiet during the rest of the ride. Seungyoun thought he went back to sleep.

And as they arrived outside Hangyul’s apartment, Hangyul suddenly said on the passenger’s seat, in a serious tone: “Seungyoun-ah.”  
Seungyoun instantly became nervous.  
“I think Wooseok really loves me,” Hangyul then said, and an annoying smile rose on his face, “Hahaha, did I get you?”  
However, Seungyoun didn’t want to laugh at all. Instead, he stated, “Isn’t that normal? You two are boyfriends. If he doesn’t love you, who would he love?” Even though when he finished the sentence, he felt weak.  
"Well, yeah, it's just that at first, I worried if I was pushing him too hard,” Hangyul continued.  
"You're overthinking it," Seungyoun said.  
"He didn’t tell me much about himself," Hangyul visibly became a little emotional.

Seungyoun was inexplicably cautious, thinking what did Hangyul mean by this? Why did he suddenly want to talk to him about his relationship with Wooseok? But then, why not just listen?

And so Hangyul continued as if he was immersed in his own world, "you know, I was so touched that he came over yesterday…”  
"So you should have told him earlier, he was so concerned about you."  
"Well, in fact, I always thought he would probably never see me as better than Seungwoo, but even so I'd love to try to see how far I can go and if I can make him love me more than he loves Seungwoo…”

Seungyoun had some goosebumps due to so many thoughts rushing to his head, but eventually, he just nodded and said to Hangyul comfortingly, "You've only been together for a short time, why do you think so much? The day will certainly get better and better, people cannot always live in the past."

"Indeed, I'm just too anxious. After meeting him, I feel that my previous relationships were all shit, they were nothing. How can Wooseok bring such magic into my life? I want to know more about him, but do not dare to ask more, and then still I just want to be with him, and maybe one day he’ll truly be mine......"

Seungyoun became frozen when hearing it. Previously, he wouldn’t take Hangyul’s pretentious words seriously, but this time, he felt that Hangyul had also spoken his heart. He couldn't help but think, am I in the same mood for Wooseok? But how can I feel the same way as Hangyul does about Wooseok?

These questions were not out of a sense of duty or guilt to his best friend, but as if two dilemmas suddenly appeared in his heart at the same time: "Am I really 'in love’ with Wooseok?" and "how can my feeling for Wooseok is the same level as Hangyul?”

It was then that Seungyoun realized that, it was still hard for him to see Hangyul as someone who “deserves” Wooseok. He didn’t like the idea that their feelings for Wooseok were the same because that would make him sound “low.” However, it was really “love,” then maybe they could be the same…?

"Alright, get off the car. Wooseok is waiting for you at home," In the end, Seungyoun didn’t want to dwell on the issue anymore especially when Hangyul was literally next to him.

"Thanks, Seungyoun,” after being carefully helped out of the car by Seungyoun, Hangyul whispered in his ear.  
"Gee, stop being gross," Seungyoun complained.  
“Hahaha, gotcha!” Hangyul laughed out loud and walked by himself to the stairs.

This was the Hangyul that he knew.  
Seungyoun shook his head while watching Hangyul reaching his floor. However, the problems left for him to think about seemed to have just begun.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote an original novel two years ago in Chinese, now I look at it and see a lot of seungseok vibes in it. So yea, I consulted my past self and asked if I could "plagiarize" myself. And here it is. 😂  
> As a result, this may be a more mature, novel-like fanfic instead of purely giving out fluffs and crumbs. I'm not sure if my readers will like this style... But anyway, thanks for reading. :) 
> 
> You can find me on Twi: @meow_62


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